Walter Miller's Homepage

"I would like to reverse my prior statements stressing the need to get our schools hooked up to the Internet."
-- Somthing heard every day in school board meetings across our great land, by recent visittors to this site.

Mid-Decembor 1997 Update

Page 4 of 6


Suddenley Granfather ignoared everyone and shreiked "ITS THE MAGIC COMERCIAL AGINN!" and imediatly bolted forward to grab the phone. He speed dialed his demented old Army pal in Oklahoma and started hollering at him "GUESS WHUT, YUH DUMB OKIE: ITS A COMERCIAL, NOT A TV SHOW! YOU OWE ME FORTY BUCKS!"

The sceintists took more notes. Then Granfather told his freind this teribble joke which concerned the singer/actor/speciel-guest-star-fleece spokesperson's bein struck by an automobile while walkin across the Route 1 abuot 5 years ago: "HOW DO YOU GIT FROM BIG SUR TO MONTEREY? TAKE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY 'TIL YOU HIT BEN VEREEN."

Then he cackoled his evil ass off. Granfather is a mean, sadistic bastord. This was also confirmattion that i will be hearing the old monster's lame Marv Albert jokes for atleast another 10 years. The sceintists didnt miss a word.

I descided i had to break this jovial mood and blurt out the news to him about the cartoon prodject. At least with a couple of witnesses, it was unlikeley that Granfather woud start hitting me. To my supprize the old bastord was civil, lucid, and even a bit reflective.

"I REALLY DO WANTS THEM CARTOONS O'MY SCRAGGLY ASS OUT THAR ON THE WEB," he mulled, while rationally weighing the benefits of his potential hot tub lawsiut agianst his potentiol cut of $30/per thuosand in banner ad impressions on pages where his hideous anatomy was portrayed in 256 shades of cocky-doody brown. At the cost of not havving the cartoons, was it realy worth it to keep his nut stuck?

"MEBBE THE ONLY OPTION IS TO GIT OL' TOM FREE," the monster pondored outloud.

Tom and Jery

Yes those are the names of Granfather's "boys". Yes its becuase one is mutch larger than the othor. Who is so disgcousting that he woud name his 'nads? GRANFATHER. And now, me, him and the 3 scientists had a job to do. An ugley job.

Many thanks to Sally in Ilinois, to J. in Oregon and many, many othors who sugested Avon(R) Skin So Soft(tm) as a solution to free the disinclined testocle from its circulor chrome prison. Howevor such time had passed, now over three weeks where it WOUD NOT budge. Yes at first Granfather COULD of got it out, but now it was realy and truly stuck.

"THET 'OL TOM-BOY ALWAYS WUZ THE MAVERICK, EVEN IN MUH CHILDHOOD DAYS," the troll mused pensiveley. One of the scientists expressed how sorrey he was and said that he coud not imagine a situattion that coud be worse than gettin one of one's testes coght in a hot tub drain.

"I KIN THINK OF SOMTHIN WURSE," said Granfather, his beastly face brightenning. "GITTIN BOLTH O'YER BALLS COGHT IN THE SALAD SHOOTER."

i was gettin tired of all this and so i went to bed. The next day i wanted to leave extra early. Yes i will pay any cost to be away from Granfather, and even the smallest amuount of time away from the cruel, sadistic demon is alwayes a refreshing gift.

I arive in New York City

I dont know what it is abbout planes lately but the cabin air is alwayes lousy, and i am always gettin ear aches and other things. Did you ever get one of those painfull air bubbles cought in the center of your back, right between your shouldor blades? Where if you breathe in all the way its like a knive stabbing you? I had one of those the whole flight an it hurt like hell.

The flight atendent asked "CAN I HELP YOU" and i said to her, "Not unless you want to press your thumb right here, under this shoulder but i am sure you probly dont want to." And then she gav me this dirty look like i was tryin to sexauly harass her or somthing BUT I WAS NOT.

I like Newyork City but i had some problems. First the airport is not on Manhatten island so it costs allot of money to get downtown. I took a taxi and got stuck in trafic and the air bubble in my back woudnt go away so I was writhing in agoney tryin to get my hand back there to pop it, plus twitching. The cab drivor kept lookin at me like i was crazey and i treid to explain it to him but he was from West Africa or somwhere and he coudnt undorstand me. He did tell me that in some parts of his countrey if you jump arround like I am acting right now, they throw you in a pit.

I treid using my New York City acent on him so he woudnt think i was some weirdo from out of town. Granfather says you can practice talkin like New Yorkors by listenning to the cab drivers but ovbiously he hasnt been in a Newyork cab for a long time.

Then later i was takin the subway and they used to give you tokens but now you get a little plastic card. I kept swiping the card to make sure it was working proporly and each time I swiped it, I used up a fare that cost a dollor fifty!!!

That night i stayed at the hotel with my freind Stu who I grew up with in Califorina. Part of the reason i was able to swing a trip from the Netly News was that i told them i didnt need a hotel room, and I coud stay in Stu's room like I did at Internet World last year.

Well anyway Stu picked up a girl and took her to the room. I, of cource, had to stay OUT of the room, till like, 2 AM when she left to go back to her own hotel. All that time I was in the videogame room and then tried to sleep in a chair in the lobby till Stu came and got me, and boy, I was very pissed.

Stu said he was sorry, but that he was a little drunk and the girl was sort of ugly, and so, "it took a long time."
I did NOT want the danm details.

Then, back in the room, Stu imediatly fell asleep in his bed and it was quite easy to figoure out very quickley that the bed meant for ME was the one they were foolin around in. As you can imagine I slept on the frigin floor with all my clothes on.

The next day was Teusday and I went to the Netly News ofice and even though it was cold i walked the whole way.

There was no place for me to work.

No emtpy offices, no desks, no workstations. Finaly sombody got a hold of one of those small typing tables from a store room that you never see aneymore and i put my laptop on it in the cornor of sombody who i never met's cubicle. It was slightley hummiliating.

Netly is are owned by a larger companey, and someone from anothor department thats not asociated with Netly walked up to me and started saying that they did NOT like my writing. I was polite and listened to the whole thing. But meanwhile i was thinkin to myself, "Well for Gods sake if you dont like it no one is puttin a gun to your head and fourcing you to read it."

The Netly News ofice has moved since the last time i visitted which was almost a year ago. They used to be on the 37th floor but i think they had a re-org because now they are down on the 5th floor. I didnt see any windows and the ofices were not as pretty as last time.

Worst of all

Up on the 37th floor there was more bathrooms for peoplle to use, but down on the 5th flore there was just ONE men's room and you had to share it with othor departmants. All three seats were alwayes a little warm so to speak.

Do you know how somtimes when you are "DOING YOUR BUSINES" in a stall, you sort of wait till the othor people standing outside who are washing there hands, (or doing whatever), finaly leave, so you can be alone in an empty bathroom to REALLEY start doin your business so no one has to hear?

Well here on the 5th floor they DO NOT. That week, on 2 seperrate ocasions i am standing there by the sink wiping my hands off with papper towels to the acompanyment of the worst noises i have heard this side of, well, Texas.

They know I am standin right outside the whole time. Then the door of the stall angrilly swings open, and a there emerges a sullen stranger from anothor department with no shame at all, and they give you a real dirty scowling look that if you coud read there mind they'd be saying to you: "SO WHAT? I CRAPPED! WHAT OF IT?"

This is what it is like to work on the 5th floor.

Meanwile at Internet world