Walter Miller's Homepage

You know, i was tryin to figoure out somthing funny to put up in this space abuot "internet on the fly" or such, but in light of Granfather's curent bind i descided agianst it.

Mid-Decembor 1997 Update

Page 6 of 6


The first parragraph of the folowwing is Granfather's abbusive and insulting covor sheet to a man who he hopes will do bisiness with him.

Following this are a few exampols of "egregius TV content" the bastord found during just the first half of this month.

Written in his regulor, verbose pompous prose, you are looking at the actual hand-typed pages he faxed us which were then scanned in an O.C.R. scannor and then inported into the HTML file you are curently reading.

(Granfather typed it, of corse, in his trademark ALL CAPS.)

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DEAR YOU SO-CALLED 'CONTENT DEVELOPER':

YOU ARROGANT HYPOCRITICAL HIGH-TECH HORSE'S ASS.

HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT POTENTIAL ADVERTISERS WILL BACK AWAY FROM A SPONSORSHIP OF WALTER AND MYSELF AS CARTOONS?

THERE IS A FOUL-SMELLING DOUBLE STANDARD AFOOT HERE, AND I DO NOT REFER ONLY TO THE TWO DIFFERING STATES OF CERTAIN SYMMETRICAL PORTIONS OF MY ANATOMY WHICH LIE IN THE BOTTOM-MOST DRAINAGE PORTION OF THIS HOT TUB IN WHICH YOU NOW SEE ME.

PLEASE CONSIDER THAT WITH THE PURCHASE OF TELEVISION COMMERCIALS, YOUR COLLEAGUES HAVE ALREADY SPONSORED THE FOLLOWING OBJECTIONABLE ELECTRONICALLY TRANSMITTED CONTENT:

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MONDAY, DEC. 1
'TONIGHT SHOW' MONOLOGE. JAY LENO SIMULATES A WOMAN'S SEXUAL CLIMAX CRYING 'YES, YES,' ET AL.

MONDAY DEC. 8
'ALLY MCBEAL', FOX NETWORK; ALLY LOSES BALANCE AND SPRAWLS, LEGS ASTRADDLE, UPON THE CHRISTMAS TREE. HER ROOMMATE THEN DELIVERS THE OPENING LINE OF THE EPISODE: "SO IT COMES TO THIS: YOU ARE HUMPING THE CHRISTMAS TREE."

MONDAY DEC. 4
'FRIENDS' NBC; (RERUN; SEASON 3?). IN THE THROES OF SEXUAL PASSION IN A PUBLIC MUSEUM DISPLAY CASE, RACHEL MISTAKES A PUDDLE OF SPILLED SOFT DRINK FOR ROSS'S PREMATURE EJACULATE. THIS AIRED AT JUST 7PM CENTRAL TIME.

THURSDAY, DEC. 11
SCENE 1, OPENING DIALOGUE OF 'VERONICA'S CLOSET', NBC. A REFERENCE TO THROWING A MAN ON HIS BACK AND RIDING HIM "LIKE A BUCKING BRONCO"; OBVIOUSLY A SEXUAL ANALOGY TO WHICH THE STUDIO AUDIENCE HOOTS IN APPROVAL.

THURSDAY, DEC. 11
'MAD ABOUT YOU' (RERUN; SEASON 4?); JAMIE AND PAUL MUST SEXUALLY "RENDEZVOUS" ON THE DAY OF JAMIE'S OVULATION BUT THIS IS DELAYED WHEN SHE FINDS HERSELF LOCKED IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM WHERE SHE FORTUITOUSLY NOTICES THAT THE SENSATION OF THE VIBRATING WASHING MACHINE AGAINST HER PUDENDA PROVIDES CLITORAL STIMULATION AND SO SHE MOUNTS THE APPLIANCE AND PROCEEDS TO ALLOW IT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR HER ANTICIPATED BUT HITHERTO DENIED COPULATION. THIS RERUN WAS BROADCAST AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON WHERE CHILDREN RETURNING FROM SCHOOL...

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OK i will end it there. The old bastord can be so danm wordy and high-fallutin, but he did make his point: And that is that there is a doubol standord for what passes as apropriate content for the web and for TV.

Because if any of the above scenes were portrayed on the internet, and somehow, somone allowwed an underage child to see it, well then, that persen woud be going to jail. And hiding there face as the TV tabloid news crew chased them down the street.

One thing is also for sure

Amidst the prepponderence of toilet humor, not a whole lot of people realy get laid on my home page. (And when they do, its always some loser like my freind Stu i am sharing my hotel room with, or else Granfather.)

After viewing the evidence (while trying NOT to view the bastord on the screen), the web producor guy finaly said to me "OK I GET THE POINT." He told me that if his company's mannagement or any of the salespeople give him a hard time about skittish sponsors, he will show them Granfather's report.

He also said that me and him coud reconvene over supper but told me to PLEASE LEAVE NOW, because the small crowd arround their booth, who had pressed in trying to see what was on their screean, was now givving thier company the type of atention they did NOT want. (It was a full screen closeup of a certian controversiol part of GRANFATHER, who had bolted up closer to the camerra. Good thing he was so close up that no one coud see what exactley it was).

I must say you realy got to hand it to Granfather.

What a danm hypocrite. He is so gross and lustfull. He lives a lacivious life so discousting, so peurile, and more lude, vulgor, profane and bawdy than you can immagine. And yet when his interests are at steak, he can instantley switch into a crusading and moralizing Tipper Gore in a starched coller.

Sneaky lying bastord.

"CALL ME TONIGHT AT HOME, BOY!" he hollared at me on the CU See Me.

Later on that night i did have supper with the producer guy, and he showed me more art samples. They had that nice crappy, 14-year old boy qualitty that i was hoping woud be acomplished.

He tried to inpress me with some cartoons that were done with plug-ins, and some othor ones that were NOT done with plug-ins, but for some reasen took just as long to load up. I told him that whatevor the hell they did, Granfather and I did agree on one thing: If it didnt load up fast, forget it.

There are ALLOT of variabbles involved for us getting cartoons. If even one of them is not met, then it is not goingto happen. And I still am not sure if I want to do them or not. We also talked abbout the posibility of my getting a job there to be a writer on OTHER non-Walter, non-Granfather rellated content. This is somthing i am interrested in, so I ASK ALL MY READERS TO PLEASE KEEP YOUR FINGORS CROSSED...

...Even though i may of blown it

Noah from the Netly News is not only my curent boss he is my good freind, and so he gave me some advice for when i went out to dinnor with this potentiel job prospect: That i shoud concentraite on my maturity all during the meal. In a nice and consructive way, (and not a mean way), he brought up my imature behavoir during our own meal earlior in the week.

Well i was doin pretty good till the second cource. It was a fancy ethnic restuarant and they bruoght out a plattor of what i THOGHT was these green leafy things that mabye had rice and meat in the middol so i stuck my fork in one and started chewin it but it realy turned out to be a steaming towel. They are meant to be rubbed on youre face, not bit into. The problemm is that I do not get out allot.

Back at the hotel

I told Stu that he better not of bruoght that danm girl back to the room. He said he didnt. I called up Granfather from the room to see how he was doing.

I heard allot of yelling and screaming.

Aparantly the scientists, (now havving left the laboratory), were back at the trailor and having some sort of fight. There has alwayes been great disagreement between them as to whethor Granfather is mostly primate, or mostly reptillian, or even if he is human or non-hueman for Gods sake. Ive heard them fight beffore, and have examined evidence from both sides, but I usaully dont like to listen. When i do, i get that lump in my throaght like i am going to cry. Why? Becuase i am a direct descendent of him-- or IT -- or whatevor "him" or "it" truly is.

Stu gets on the phone

Stu and Granfather sort of get along. The grizzled old bastord normaly hates all my freinds, but Stu is in the dubuios feild of Interactive marketing and reserch with heavey ephmasis of venture partnering and sales, so his optimisticly dishonest, screw-your-neihgbor outlook on life is similor to Granfather's.

Stu alwayes has some scam going too. Like all sane folks, he too is also frightened of the beast, but true master of hype that Stu is, he alwayes manages to have a convorsation with Grangather about sports, women, or cigars. Right now, he was tellin him about the female conventioneer he picked up last night.

"She was a babe, Granpy," he said, and i coud hear the bastord cackling with glee on the othor end, while Stu went on about her marvellous shapely figure. Meanwhile, the danm girl was shaiped like the person in the McDonolds comercial in the giant Chickon McNuggat suit that runs down the beach.

I went in the bathrom to take a showor. When i came back out he was still on the phone saying this:

"The therapy works for ME, Gramps, and I'm one of those coffee-drinking-loose-bowel kinda guys. Let me shoot you the URL, and we can set you up with a 3 months supply..."

Then I heard the old bastord screamin from the reciever:

"WAIT LEMME TALK TO THE BOY!"

Aparantly there was somthin urgent he had to ask me. Woud you belive, it once agian concerned Ben Vereen.

"HEY BOY," grunted the grisly coot. "I DONE SEEN A STAR TREK RE-RUN," he explianed, while compiling his T.V. exampoles of prime time sex. (Of cuorse, Star Trek as you know has very little of that sort of thing. Exept lately on Deepspace 9, where you expect to see Worf and Dax knockin over a dabbo table in the throws of Klingon conjuggation perhaps).

I HATE talkin Star Trek with Granfather

The man has a small brain and cannot grasp 20th centurey technollogy much less 24th centurry. I must endlessley explain everything. (Meanwhile, the sceintists who hang arround studying him dont watch the show. They watch Babylon 5.)

Granfather told me that he just saw a re-run where Geordy LaForge's father was played by Ben Verean. Meanwhile, in another show, (I think it was Roots), LeVar Burten (who plays Geordy), played Ben Vereen's granfather.

"DO YUH THINK THET THIS HERE IS ONE O' THEM TIME-WARP DEALS?" he demanded.

Oh, Man!

I treid to explain to the blunt witted primate that NO, it wasnt a time worp it was Hollywood, danm it. Granfather is so stupid that he does not remembor even what TV show he is watching. This is a man who watches "I Dream Of Jeannie" reruns at 8 in the morning and thinks theyre "Dallas" reruns just because Larry Hagmen is in it, and says things thruough grumping spits of oatmeal like, "DANM!! MISS ELLIE SURE WAS A LOOKER BACK IN THEM EARLY EPISODES!"

I was angrey, tired and upset and frankley, all Internet Worlded-out. I cut him off and said perhapps a little rudeley "Goodbye Granfather!!" and then he got upset and started screammin at me that he hoped the time-warp Geordi/Vereen thing was TRUE, so if I ever had a kid, that it woud really be a reincarnation of HIM.

I coud tell from the scraiping noises on the fiborglass tub and the way granfather was heaving and grunting that he was struggling to try to get the cellulor phone way down by his ass so he coud launch off a big fart at me, and then i heard one of the scientists holler at Granfather to STOP!! or else he'd badley strain Tom, or Jerrie or both.

Well right now it is 2 AM and Stu is snoring and i cannot sleep so i am writting this update on my laptop. I will end it here. PLEASE COME BACK IN EARLY JANAURY FOR MY POST-CHRISTMAS UPDATE.

Due to poppulor demand, there is a NEW instalment of my LINKS Page Right Here!!

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