Its funny but not much else.
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The state inspector went outside to the old basterd's truck and ran his hand thruogh the soil and it was nice and fresh and crumbly and didnt even smell like nothin and so the County Clerk signed off on it and the next day they spred it out. And dont you know it, but you can mix fresh sludge thats dryed out from the sewor system and it is also fresh and smells OK.
Granfather had boght a few bags of topsoil at the hardware store and mixed the sewor slugde in. The next spring there was frikin tomatoes growing everewhere and it cost a coupol of thosand dollers to dig them all out and put the lawn in again.
The locol newspapper and Cable Access show blamed the County Clerk for the whole thing, and then they had a hearing at the courthouse where Granfather swore in tears that he knew nothin abbout tomatoes. This was a lie of cource: Tomatoe seeds are one of the few things that survive in human feces. And if there is such a thing as an expert in the sujbect of fecal anomolies it is GRANFATHER
Also during the hearing at the court house he kept makin these awful horoble farts and after each one apologgised and said "PLEASE, I CAIN'T HEPP MAH GAS, I AM OLD!"
But evereyone in town knows he does it on purpoce. When he is on a roll he can snap them out everey 4 or 5 seconds for an hour straite. Leading up to each discharge he bites his lip and shuddors and you all know its coming so people start covoring there faces. It is an old courthouse, from the 1930's and has these smooth vaulted ceilings on the lobbey with gigantic old landmark status WPA paintings on them of burly Art Deco men working in farms and factoreis and he made one fart that wasnt exactley the loudest one he made that day but it stunk so danm bad the whole danm mural shrunk up beffore your eyes and fluttored to the ground below in tiny chips. This is how Granfather acts in public so imaginne how cruel and disgutsing he is at home.
Then on the ride home from the hearing Granps told me and my brothor that he also mixed the sludge in on purpoce. Later the old basterd took a $200 tax deduction for donating the topsoil. This is typicol Granfather for you.
I know in the above parragraphs I mentioned an odor that came from Granfather, and this is somthing I promised not to do. Howevor, this incodent ocurred in the 1980s and is not slandor: It is a mattor of public record. Also tomatoe plants kept croppin up all in weird places around town for allmost ten years aftorword.
After I left the filling station where I was hollered at by the County Clerk, I drove up the trailor to hear more screams and yelling. There was a pink Mary Kay cosmetics cadillac outside the front which told me that Granfather's girlfreind was there havin a fight with him.
In othor words, the old basterd bellieves that when God creates a persen like you or me, there is a muffin tray up in heavon where a total of 8 "counterparts" of that persen are simultaneousley created in all, and each of these are distributed to different sets of parents thruoghout the world.
Sureley in your town or village you have seen "counterparts" of fammous people yourself, and many of my readors around the world have written to me to confirm this.
OK well in any event Granps and the little X-Chromosomol Ross Peroe were goin at it shreikin and hollerin and throwing Fiestaware at one anothor and aiming for the eyes too.
"Whut the hayle you mean by cheatin on me Grampy?" the femaile version (but not the true) Ross Perot yapped.
"NO ONE CHEATED ON YOU, YUH DUMBASS REE-FORM PARTY RE-TREAD!", granfather hollered back screamin at the top of his lungs with a cigarrete cletched tight i his teeth.
"But you danm well woud of!,"
"AH WOUD OF, BUT AH DIDNT!"
"I seen thet purty blonde gal in them pleather jackboots!"
"IT TURNED OUT TO BE A MAN, YUH SHRUNK-HEAD SHREW! IT WERE ONLY THE FEMALE VERSION O'THET PURTY GAL!"
And so it went with the two of them holorring. This kind of stuff realy gets me on edge because Granfather had just been suforring with a grout problom and he was weak. I began to get real nervuous. When he screamed like this these awfull veinlike things pop out all ovor his head and he turns angrey and purple. This is disgousting, but giant yellow lesions and custardy boils erupt all ovor the repulsive sonofobbich. Part of my nervuousness was out of concern for my grisly ancestor and the othor part was the one of the friggin things was goin to pop in my face.
Imagine somthing like that -- Exept being flat on the top there was a wiggley looping plastor cast of the inside of the intestinal tract of an unexplained bipedal carniverous creature. Also there was a very nice circulor base on the bottom, from the lowermost part of it taking the shape of the inside of a 55-gallen drum. It woud look pretey nice as a modern sculpture, dont you think?
Well one guy in England thoght so and he boght the danm thing for $680 plus shipping over eBay where the old basterd put the thing up for sale. The stupid English will buy anything.
"I own the rights to thet thar sculpture, you old ornery basterd!" the little female version of Perot yapped.
Granfather holered back, "KISS ME WHAR THET THANG PLOPPED OUT."