Walter Miller's Homepage

A coupel of cinder blocks up from a ground floor oportunity.

May update 1999 (yes i know its July)

Page 6 of 8


The guy sittin at my desk (who like I said I never saw before) demanded to know who i was and what the F I was doin there. I told him this was my desk and he got all haughtey and told me that, "Holly said it was OK for me to sit here today."

Well i do not have any idea who Holly is. This jerk and Holly, I lator found out, were consultents and it was there first danm day at Cyberblop.

The jerk was surfing The Darwin Awards on the web while on the phone with some freind of his in Santa Clara or somwhere and the two of them were reading it togethor at the same time luaghing there asses off. Now thanks to this horse's ass a long distence call will show up on my station report.

He turned away from me and tossed his hand at me in the internationol hand signal for "buzz off" and then he whipped my mouse over to the left side of the cube because he is left handed and I am right handed and as he did this the mouse cable swept over the desk knockin over my can of pencils and the picture of my dad and stepmom on my CPU and he let them both hit the danm floor withuot pickin either up. Meanwhile i went to the courtesey phone by the reception area to have them transfer my call. It was Granfather.

"BWAH, WHUT'S 'VIVO'," he screamed into the phone withuot even sayin "hello" or nothin, "AN' HOW THE 'F' DO I DOWNLOAD THE THANG SO TO SEE THESE HERE POSTAGE STAMP-SIZED PORN CLIPS?"

I was so danm angrey with him I coudnt even speak. I asked if the doctors had got there yet and he said, "YEP, ONE O'THEM'S BARFIN IN THE SINK TOO."

Granfather seemed to be OK medically for the moment and so i hung up. On the way home from work I meant to stop at the Mini Mart to get some groceries, but hoping not to see the County Clerk there agian I stopped insted at the package store at the truckstop. Inside there buyin wine coolers and Virgina Slims was my freind Cathy Ann.

She is a very nice persen and she always encuorages me and she coud tell that I had a bad day. She was askin me som questions on how to change the clock baterry on her and her Mom's PC and also put more RAM in and I said that I coud either walk her thru it on the phone or else drop by one night after supper.

Then Cathyann appollogized for the othor night when we were on the sofa watchin TV at my house. She said it started out as freindly cuddling but then things got out of hand. Also she said our freindship was more inportent than to risk it on romantic stuff.

I told her that this was OK, not to worrey about it, plus I wont never, ever, say nothin to Earldee, her boyfreind.

"Actualy, Earldee dont give a F," she said laughin real loud and then she left.

When I got home. Yes an odd scene

When I arived back home the white Ford van that bellongs to Madison, Ripke and Blankenship, the three criptozoology researches who study the old basterd was parked at an odd angol in front of the trailor which told me that they were both there and not only that had arivved in a hurrey.

Junior's truck was there, and I found our simple minded nieghbor from town trembling and half standin up in front of the sofa in the living room leaning the palms of his hands on a fourfoot ax handol which stood upright on the floor. Junior was breathin real heavy as Blankenship knelt beside him, allmost unconscious and with the arms of the stained white lab coat he allways wore wrapped tightley, yuck, allmost afectionatly aruond Junior's waist.

"I do NOT want to even know what is goin on here," I said walkin past them toword the bathroom to releive myself aftor the long drive.

Granfather was sitting silentley on the couch

Granfather had a huge cone of cardboard fastened arround his neck with parcel tape, the kind that you put on a dog or cat when you take them home from the vet exept human size when you want to keep them from lickin stitches on there balls or what have you.

I didnt realy see Granp's face but for a second; a wreath of piss-colored smoke floated from the depths of the old soggy cone. There was a time two or so years ago that the old basterd wore this cone all the time cause he woudnt stop biting at wounds on his back.

Somthin just was not right

While i was standing at the toilet draining myself my knees buckoled at the thoght that somthin really awfull and Granfather-related was going on. horiffic beast old basterd. The only noise I heard was the heavy breathing of Junior and Blankenship, and the blare of the TV which was on not quite as loud as usuol. Yes when Granps is wearing his animal cone there is a naturol ampliffication of sound.

Enterring the living room agian, I saw that Junior was unmoved from his position but Blankenship now sat splayed on the floor nervousley sweating as he furriously pecked away at his laptop intermittentley stopping to fuss with a slide rule and scribbol some figoures onto a yellow leagol size pad beside him. Blankenship is such a dweeb he still uses slide rule, like, my dad used one of those. Junior was weeping in a sort of hystericol hooting i only heard him do a few times.

"If these calculations are correct," Blankenship muttored to no one in particulor in his Scots broage, "...Why it canna be! I pray they be wrong!"

Granfather meanwhile was sittin there on the sofa calmley watching Guiness Prime Time while suckin on this creepey lady's style antique ivory cigarete holdor that had a Pall Mall in it and also sipping a gin and prune juice with lime.

I tell you I am not a drinking man but I mixed the old basterd one of these once and snuck a sip beffore he set his gummy lips on the glass. It is a danm tastey drink if you keep the lime to a mere splash, and the juice-to-liqour ratio a straight two-to-one, as long as the gin is dry enuogh and very cold. A danm tasty slake. If the drink evor becomes fammous they oughto call it a "Grampy."

"THEY CALL THET A WORLD RECORD?", Granps screammed at the TV., "WHY, I DONE GOT BIGGER THANGS COME OUT MUH DANM NOSE WITHOUT TRYIN'!"

I said to Junior, "What the hell is goin on here?"

Between his tearfull sobbs our simpleton freind told me, "Grampy's doin it aginn.

"Its them peticulor cigarettes. He knows it scaires me.

(Junior had separate phobias abbout both Pall Malls and lady's style smoke holders; the very sight of eithor of them truly do frighton the daylights out of poor Junoir, and right now Granfather was using them BOTH.)

Blankenship aproached me and gripped my shouldors, his sad grey eyes heavy.

"Aye. Since the grout's a-gone in, and nigh a-come out, yer grenfadder's no yet ha' made a plop."

I said to him, "Yes Dr. Blankenship I know he hasnt crapped. I heard about it all last night while gettin hit with a teaspoon."

"Aye, but I tell yeh, laddie," Blankenship said severeley, "By sun up tomorrow, there will be a plop."

I heard stombling up the rickety woodon outside stairs of our trailer, and Madison, one of the othor researchers burst thruogh the door, covored with blood and hay and cracked cornfeed.

"Ripke tried to hang himself in the barn again," he breathed heavey to Blankenship, "He knows what's going down tonight; I wressled him out, sedated him, and he's in the van."

Granfather turned sudenly away from the TV to glaire at Madison head on, his normaly reptilian eyes reduced to emptey dafodil yellow colored disks with pinprick sized pupils. Granfather can actualy make his puppils disapear, like Little Orphen Annie. He lifted his arm high up vertical in the air, and let the hand fall limp. Keeping the arm ramrod stiff, he wiggled his fingors rappidly.

"'SUP, HOMES," he barked to Madison,

"I SAID, 'WHU - SUP?"

Granfather has this horrobly scary allmost metalic sounding demonic voice. You think he does it on purpouse but he actualy talks that way. Madison wrinkoled his nose in disgoust, and while looking at Granps, but adressing the rest of us, began to speak in a slow deliberrate tone.

"Get the hell out of here folks. Get off this whole property, and get out fast."

I dont know why, but i blurted out, "I am not going."

"Nay, am I," said Blankenship, "For the sake o'bluddy science, I intend to capture this on fillum."

Madison didnt seem happey with this, but Blankenship asurred him he woud be at least a half mile away on the canyon bluff where he woud use the telephoto cammera lens to film the ghastley event.

Madison said, "Do as you please, but Ripke and I are leaving."

Take me with you!," Junoir sudenly exploaded in weeping supplicant wails, "PLEESE, Mister Mysterious Monkey Doctor! I'll do anythang. If y'all wants a weirdo film, y'all kin film me sleepin' with bigfoot, or else a pig, even a boy pig, jest take me away!"

I pulled poor Junoir up from grovolling on the floor and told him he might as well drive away himself cause his danm car was alreddy outside. He was shaikin so bad I had to help him down the porch stairs

As soon as I got Junoir into his black Mercury the staggoring figure of Blankenship busted thruogh the front door.

"I need yeh to get me somthin from the store, laddie!"

I agree to get Blankenship somthin from the store: I am a jerk