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Suposed to be The Late June (but realy in July) 98 Update

Page 6 of 7


Each day of my entire work careear in the Internet industry, I am allways amazed to get thruogh an entire day without being fired. Yet somtimes I do survive.

The Crisco(R) Pengiun matter

Around the time of this particulor reorg, you may remembor that I had a serious incodent of torrential digestive distress ressulting from my eating three quartors of a pengiun molded from shortenning at a company rollout event. The company was so affraid i was going to sue them that they held up their schedduled terminnation of me. They wanted to check first with the guy in the legal departmant who knows this sort of thing, but idiots that they are that run this stupid place, they layed him off beffore they coud ask him.

There is no bugdet to get outside legal counsel plus no one in any of the other Cyberblop branch offices had time to help. They all said the same thing: ITS NOT MY JOB.

And so I got to go to beutiful sunny Floridda

You know, budgets are a funney thing. You can have a compeny with no money at all for staff and eqiupment, and at the same time piss thuosands of dollors away on travel. Well anyway there was plans for two peoplle from my job to go to this training seminar in Florida on how to use HTML. One of them got canned in the layoff and it was too late to cancell his spot for a refund. No one else wanted to go becuase they were affraid of the wildfires there but this was in the part of Florida with no fires.

So, my bosses asked me if I wanted to go. They were very careful to say that this was a "reward for good work" insteadd of tryin to placate me for my horroble ordeal that i wrote about in my last update (which I still dont want to talk abbout). First I had to sign somthin that said I woudnt sue them for the Pengiun Incident.

When i finaly agreed to it all they told me that I woud have to find my own acomodations there in Florida becuase they were able to reffund the hotel reservattions. Cheap company bastords.

Well OF CUORSE I wanted to go because in fact I did have a place to stay:
With Pop-Pop-Jack and Meemaw.

My othor Grandparents

OK first let me say that i am mutch to old to call them Pop-Pop-Jack and Meemaw. But this is what I called them since i was a kid and its hard to break the habbit. My brothor, and Granfather, (the non-hueman one here in Texas), make crule fun of me all the time.

Whooo, Ill bet you didnt even think I had othor Granparents. Well there is no reasen to realy write abbout them becuase they are normal, YES, normal. These are my mother's parents. She is now deceased but was quite normal too. Oddley, my dad is normal also dispite his scandallous parentage: A fathar who is not only not human, but probly not even a earthling. (Hell, not evon a carbon-based life form for Godsake.) And a mothor (who an autoppsy showed WAS human, if only barely), but who was just as mean and weird as Granps in her own way.

No, these are nice ordinery old folks who are from New Jersey (where my mom was from) who wear white slacks and sun hats and retired down to one of those condoes on the Gulf coast with white carpetting where the air conditionner is always set on below zero. Meemaw somtimes rides one of those big adult tricycles arround the retiremant complex but othor than that they have no exentricities.

AHA!, and you thuoght I didnt like old people. WELL I DO IF THEY ARREN'T THE OLD BASTERD.

Im glad I was going beccause I needed a break from Granfather.

Just like some disgousting, legendery monster who ecxapes the townspeople while he is still atached to the animal trap they set for him, Granfather is learning to get himself arround our tiny trailer with his head stuck thruogh the six-foot long peice of wrought iron fence. There are a few dents in the alunimum trailer walls. Plus hes broke a few lamps and also knocked the dial off our TV set (we have an old model with a dial) while shifting on the couch to scratch his balls (which are still bothorring him a little) and so I haveto to change the channells with a pair of needlenose plyers. (In a dispute with the cable compeny the bastord cancelled cable TV).

The cruel brute is hard to get allong with as it is.

But since his girlfreind left him hes been especialy awfull.

The way he deals with frustrattion is to take it out on me. His favorrite ways to torture me are public houmillitation, (in front of family and freinds), disgussting food sabotage, and hitting me. Somtimes the hitting hurts but mostley it does not hurt but is just humiliating.

Mean stuff Granfather did to me beffore i went to Florida:

I have a weak stomoch as you know and also the extream heat we are having gives me a head cold and so I cannot smell anything realy well -- which is a blessing in disgiuse most of the time considdoring how bad he stinks, but can somtimes be disastruous. The othor morning I made oatmeal (which my doctor told me I shoud be eating insted of fried stuff for brekfest) and Granfather dumped a jar of cream-cut horseradich in there. It looks exatcly like oatmeal and I coudnt tell I ate it till I was half finnished. Later that night he put Altoids in my bottol of Tums becuase he knew I woud be eatin more Tums from heartburn. I ATE FOUR OF THEM. When Granfather saw the look on my face he started laghin. Strong mintey things burn my throaght and so I ran to the sink and drank allot of water. Then Granfather said to me "YOU SHOUD 'O CHUCKED THEM MINTS UP, BOY. WAIT TILL YOU SEE HOW THEY BURN COMIN' OUT!"

He thinks it is funny -- but it is not funney it is abbuse. You think it is somthin I am makking up but I am not IT IS TRUE.

The worst was yet to come

Granfather was yellin and screamming at the TV set. He watches Star Trek: Voyagor allot and somtimes he likes the show and somtimes he dosent. Star Trek Voyagor is the one where the crew is lost far from home.

"YOU KNOW WHY THEY GOT A FEMALE CAPTAIN," Granfather says. "CAUSE A MAN WON'T NEVER ASK FER DIRECTIONS."

The eppisodes Granfather hates is when they explore character devellopment, and also romance. The episoddes he likes is when there are lots of shooting and exploasions and also in the old series when Captian Kirk was always gettin it on with some scantilly clad space womon between those tin foil bedsheets in his quartors after gettin them drunk on that blue liqiud.

Well the othor day they showed a Voyager re-run and it was one of those touchy-feely storeis with a moral at the end. Granfather started hollerin and screamin at the TV. I was eatin on the TV tray and for NO REASON the old basterd swung his cane ovor and tipped my food on the floor.

"I DONT CARE ABOUT HARRY DISCOVERIN' HIS MANHOOD OR THE DOCTOR BEIN' MORE GOLLDANG 'HUMAN', DAGNABBIT," he bellowed like a wounded rhino.

"I WANT TO SEE SOME BUTT-NEKKID-ASS ALIEN BABES FROM OTHER PLANETS WITH NO CLOTHES ON!"

I was so disgussted by how he was acting i went in the kitchen and there was nothing there for me to eat ecxept my tofu. Well i shoud KNOW by now that he likes to sabbotoge my tofu. (Granfather makes fun of me for eatin it. He calls tofu "fairy food.").

Well it tasted funny and aftor I ate three or 4 slices from a new pound of it I discovored that the bastord had expertly cut the top skin off with some piano wire and then scooped out the center of the toffu with the melon baller from the fork drawer. Then he sqeueezed in the emptey part a whole tube of Desinex cream which as you know is diapor rash ointmant which is kind of runny at room temperrature but when you put it in the reffrigorator it gets to be as firm as tofu.

Desinex is a fine prodduct but I cannot say how horroble it tastes. I read the side of the emptey tube in the trash and it is made from zinc oxide and Norwegian fish liver oil. When i went back into the living room to confront him the old bastord sat mesmerrized at Voyager on the TV while staring at Seven-of-Nine's butt whisporring covettously to himself, "THET THAR COUD ASSIMMILATE OLE GRANPY'S IMPLANTS ANYTIME SHE DURN PLEASES..." and there he was with his upper lip gnashed because he was shoving somthin up by the gums of his front teeth that he was using to pick and scraipe at them and it made a crunching grinding noise like steel on stones. He pulled it out and black fungusy muck was atached. It was the melon baller.

"DON'T MAKE THET FACE AT ME BOY. YOU SHOUDA SEEN WHAR ON MY SCRAGGLY CARCASS I WAS PICKIN' AT IT WITH BEFORE I USED IT ON YER FAIRY FOOD."

You woud think that with that fence stuck arround his skinny bastord neck, if anything he woud be slowed down more. BUT NO THINK AGIAN.

My plane ride

The woman from Cyberblop I was traveling with was originaly from Chigaco and so she had that perky accent. Yes "perkey" is the word for her. She was so danm perky that sittin on an airplane with her for three huors was enuogh to make me feel like I wished i had anothor flightless bird of lard signalling for a turn down the small intestine.

Have you ever had somone who you barely know ask you everry concievable question about your personol life? Well what made it worse was that she told me every fact abuot herself as well. I dont think she stopped talking even just once. But she must of, because, Like a jerk, I opened up to her and also told her allot of personnol stuff about myself.

She was a small, squat, toadlike womon with a frowning blunt little face. If you made a face in the mirror as if you just smelt a bad fart or somthing, and then held that epxression while you took your hands and mashed your palms on eithor side of your face as to press it togethor so your cheeks touched your nose, and then you frowned like you were nearsihgted, then thats her face. I know the face so well becuase she kept peering it into mine anytime I was quiet for more than 30 secconds at a time while desperatly asking me, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

I alwayes ansorred her, "Nothings wrong, I am chewing," or somthing like that.

Stupid, mentaly sick perky little hag.

A couple of days beffore I left i had to talk Junoir into taking care of the basterd. My dad and stepmom said that they were coming in from Califonria for a week and they told me NOT to go on the business trip to Florida because I had to watch Granps. They do not like the idea of Junior watching him. But my parents canott boss me arround so much and I told them so. Then I did somthing bad: I hung up on my Dad.

Then Dad called back very angry, and he made me agree NOT to go to florida. I said OK. But then I did else somthing bad: I went anyway.

The first thing i did was ask Junior to stay with Granfather for 3 days beffore I left so he woud get used to the bastord stuck in the fence.

The worst part of the fence ensconsment

Becuase of the angle of the hallway and doors, Granfather canott get into the bathroom. Junoir must chase after him with the rolling potty and somhow get it under him as the basterd scampors arround. Plus he is allways getting stuck on things, or burnt on the stove, or slipping and hittin his danm head. But he flatley refuses to remove his head from the fence.

The day before i left for the trip, I called from work to see how things were doing and Junior was just weeping and weeping and i coud hear Granfather screamming in the backgruond like a savage wild beast. I figuored he was stuck or hurt or somthing. Junior was blubbering and incohearent and kept saying Please somone help!"

I immedaitly left my job and rushed home. You know it is a long ride. I risked getting in truoble by leaving and I am glad I didnt get coght.

When i got home Granfather was still screamming