Walter Miller's Home page
An Equol Opportunnity Offender.
June 1998 Update
Page 1 of 8
I woud like to appologise to my readers for my last update which was full of exaggorations of Titanic propportions. Yes, those of you who read, and uppon which I depend to help build and reppair my fragile self-esteem were not deserving of this...this...this...Hmm, the only word I can think to describe it is FICTION.
I prommise in the future to give you only non-adultorated exagerated reality.
Yes, I am too young and inexpereinced a writer to be dabbling in such dark themes.
Please forgive me for experrimenting thruogh my writing with diforent literary jonras.Please remember that I am not some sort of poppular cultural icon, but instead a real person with feelings. (In any case, I still have to say that I think an all-powerful rising tide of crap is a prettey good metaphore for this website, or perhapps the web at large...and in any case, definitly GRANFATHER).
Speakking of the abbusive old geezerThere have been some changes in his life. Non-genetic mutation changes, I shoud add. And sadly, still not enuogh changes of his diaper, but changes nonetheless. Oh, and one big change for me:
A mark of Maturity in my lifeThose of you who also read my Netly News colunm will know by now that I have been layed off. I woud like to thank all of those peoplle who have encurraged me in this recent job loss.
But this is not as bad as it seams: Folks, this is the first time in my profesionol career that I was canned strictley as a result of budgetery considerations, and NOT thruogh my screwing up on the job. If this is not a mark of my emotionol growth and maturrity on my part than dammit what the Hell is.
What will happan to my Netly colunms
I think theres a totol of 65 weekly colunms dating back to March 1997. To quote my final farewell colunm, those 65 will live forevor deep in the Pathfinder archives, much like a clustor of virulent warts on an inacessible part of Granfather's ass, which the doctor deciddes are so pervasively hidden that its easier to leave them where they are rathor than try to find them all to remove them.
All the colunms are lumped togethor along with the writings of other current, layed-off, and probly-soon-to-be-layed-off Netly colunmists off of this page. Howevor, once I have the time I will build a page on this site which will deep link to them all in chronologicol order in a futile exercise to manufacture a sence of self worth for myself in light of this irreporably shattoring blow to my already fragile, withored and crumbling self-esteem.
Thank you all who wrote to cheer me up, and for your kind words, especialy Mike in Ohio, Vivian, B.N. in Georgia, the lovely J. in Floridda, and my cousin Robin Miller in Baltomore, who had also worked at Netly and was handed his ass back in Decembor, (the only reason why this hapenned, ironically, was that the faceless upper management burueocrats there at the Netly home office were confused, and hapilly had thoght they were getting rid of the othor Miller: Me.)
Yes, I am avialable, folks
Yes, the toilet humor can be a bit much on these pages, and some of my readors who do not care for Walter Miller's Home Page nonetheless apreciated my weekly erudite Netly News colunm on the internet industry. Many of them want my weekly news colunm to continue. Yes, there was what some call a "dual market" for two diferent brands of my shamelessly stupid humor; (I geuss anothor exampol of a dual market is how fungicides, pesticides and herbiciddes are all used concurently on Granfathers neck, head and ears, respectively.)
Theirfore, my shameless plea: If you or somone you know runs a website, which is supported by banners reppresenting certain Granfather-related industries, such as adult diapors, strong household chemicols, alcaholic bevarages or substance abuse disorders), then please accept my unabashed plea for enployment. Please be advized that I will work very very cheapley. Not to mention, i have a strong abillity to endure intolorable ammounts of workplace abuse over a sustained period -- (proof of this is seen lator in this update).
Anothor meagar boost to my delicate crumbling self-esteem
The world fammous Comic Relief has sellected 100 or so of the funniest sites on the Web to place on their page of Comedy Links. Geuss what: I am deeply honored to be on that list twice: Both my pittiful homepage AND the infamous Wedgie Page were both picked. (Well, the way i see it, wedgie-related things usualy are "picked" get it Ha Ha.... OK That was a bad pun but i had to say it).
Back to that night of Titannic Lies: What REALY hapenned the nihgt of Thursday, May 14 1998
OK, I will come clean with you all:
- The trailer did NOT sink into a sea of 100% Pure Granfather.
- There realy WAS a party at our trailor for the Last Epissode of Sienfeld.
- Ripke the Cryptozoologist did indeed cower in fear in our basement tornado celler, in shock at the fact that Granfather has a non-human circulattory system.
- Ripke's coworing indeed was sceintificaly justified, (i.e., the diagnoasis on Granps is true)
- My freind Cathyann indeed treid to get roamantic with me, (and I say ROAMantic becuase her hands were roamming all ovor my body as I tryed to repel her ammorrous advances and carnivorrously predatory toungue--and then she had the danm nerve to tell people, after she had became sobor that I was the one hitting on HER. Oh, yeah right).
- And, Granfather really did flood the trailor by flushing a mightey load that came from the consupmtion of a case of rancid greens. It got to be quite deep all arround and we both had to move out for two days to air it out. Then, almost 4 weeks later, we had to move out for a week to repair the water-damaged suports underneath the trailor which were colappsing.
- While no one was killed in the flood, that chicken of ours, Fluffy Spice did indeed die when Uncle Zeke acidentaly drove his car over her as he stormed off our property in a huff at three miles an hour (it wasnt pretty) as he and Uncle Wiliam (who still did not die yet) headed off to where they live on the East Coast.
Thats abbout it.
Also, Junior, our poor hapless neighbor who lives in town did indeed smoke a large marijauna cigarete at the party which was bruoght along from one of Granfather's weird chatroom freinds from the next county thinking it was home-rolled tobbacco. He was unable to sleep becuase he saw a TV show once that told how fat globbules from throuought the body will congregate onto the testicols after smoking pot. So, Junior actualy wanted to make an appointment to have lipposuction on that part of his body. Howevor he was not really that famileir with liposuction: So when he saw on the local news the nozzely thing that suposedly was gonna be stuck in his scrotum he was so upset he said the only thing that coud calm him down was anothor one of those smokes, and coud I please call Granfather's freind to buy some more.
I said NO.Poor Junoir has an IQ of like, the temperrature of when frozon pork chops thaw.
Oh, I allmost forgot: One more thing:
Cyberblop, (the remaining company I now work for now that The Netly News has canned me), did NOT infact use my Catfish Cam(TM) idea. They still think it is a dumb idea. Plus, I caused Cyberblop to lose that sporting goods store client. (Dont ask). I also had a couple of humiliatting things happan to me on the job. Oh well.
A few changes for Granfather:
Granfather has suffered another "ensconcement incodent". (Notice I said 'incodent' and not 'acident')Also, our closest nieghbors, who live a halfmile away from us, are now suing us AGIAN, in yet-another troppical bird rellated lawsuit.Granps has now gone a whole month withuot needing his wheelchair, the most ever since his 1990 acident where a rickety tin grain silo stacked full of early 20th centurey toilet fixtures colapsed while the miserly skinflint was doing an inventory; (as if somone woud sneak on our filthy propporty to steal one of his cracked and moss-stained 400-pound Depresion-Era fluted urinols, yeah right). Granfather is now hobbling along quite well with just a cane. But he still makes me wheel him arround in public somtimes so people feel sorry for him. And also at home becuase he is lazy as hell.And the latest love of his life, the female muffin tray counterpart version of pollitical operative James Carvill has left the old bastord.
Atention Ladies: Yes, Gramps is single agian...and I dont just mean on his own solitary offshoot branch of the Evilutionnery Chart. (And no, the male Mary Mattalin is not to blame.)
It seems that everytime Granfather gets togethor with a womon, it is a harowwing experience for me. But when he breaks up with a womon it is allways WORSE.