Walter Miller's Home page

Where the Information Superhighway becomes a dirt road.

June 1998 Update

Page 4 of 8


They ambled slowley up the street to the house where Cathyann lives with her mother. Cathyann's mothor's house is like, from 1920 and is one of the oldest houses in town. It has one of these old fashoined screened-in front porches that's bowed and warped with age. On the porch are lots of piles of metal and glass recyclables (becuase her mothor is one of these militant recycaling extremists), plus a few raggedy white wicker couch chairs with ovorstuffed smelly lookin seat cushoins.

I watched them from Junior's kitchon window for a few minuttes. Cathyann and DuWAYNE were cuddoled on a wicker couch chair smooching it up so much that the wickor made loud crackling noises that i was able to hear all the way down the street as they huffed and puffed and switched positions and then I heard a giant crash when they both fell off and plowed into a bin of empty soup cans in the heat of lustfull passion.

OK i admit it. I did not like this sitauation. I know she was never my girlfreind. But still, to come ovor and act that way was rude. OK mabye I admit that perhapps i am a tiny bit jeallous.

The next day, back at work

My boss asks me in front of EVEREYON at the Staff meeting in this real snottey tone, "So Walter did ever you get the server space and URL for the new cleint? Weve been waiting two danm weeks and the Big Rollout Event is next Monday."

And then I said that he only gave me the asignment YESTERDAY and then he said, "You have not been paying atention."

"From now on," (he said to me, in a very arrogent consedcending tone), "you are to DOCUMENT all your activities to me by e-mail. Once in the morning -- once in the afternoon: Two e-mails every day. Is that undorstood?"

He made me say "Yes" infront of the whole staff.

And then I said that both the Austin and Chigaco offices said that they woudnt do any work for us and they said, (and I quote), 'KISS OUR ASS' and then hung up.

Then another guy who works there said that the Austin office called him and said to PLEASE tell this Walter guy who works there to STOP HARASSING THEM.

And then 2 diferent people started screaming, (TO ME), "What the hell is wrong with you -- CANT YOU GET ALONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?"

One of those people scraeming was my boss's boss, the person known as The Lady Who Screams at Everyone. She told me that after lunch today she wantad to see me ALONE in her office.

Sound effects from the Peanut Gallory

The two horse's asses in Workstation Support, like a couple of idiots started giggling like girls and said, "Ooooooh!"

Allot of phone messeges

After the meeting when i get back to my desk there were 5 messeges on my phone mail. Yes, this is what hapennes when you sit in meetings for 3 hours a day gettin hollared at.

The first messege was from my Dad in California who told me that him and my stepmom were coming in to Texas to visit for the 4th of July, and also to answor to two new lawsuits, involving a couple of contractors who were workin on Grampy's trailer.

The second messege was from from the guy in Austin I was talking to a few times yesterday and he said, "The only reasen why I am calling is to re-enmpasize that we are NOT getting you web server space for your cleint, and we are NOT assigning any danm URLs."

The 3rd message was a very elaborrate messege that was, like, eight minutes long. It was from that same guy in Austin, but he had also patched in 5 othor people on conference call, includding his boss, and his boss's boss, and the stupid lady in Chicago with the Eurapean accent, who actualy did most of the talking.

For the whole 8 minuts they went into long detail abbout how, once again, they will NOT be helping us, and also all this aditional stuff about how our department down here in Texas "screwed them over last Fall", (I was not even WORKIN at this company last fall).

Everyone who was patched into the call took turns talking very slowly and stilted. It remminded me of one of those long boring unedited news conferences with the crew of the Space Station Mir, where everyone is just bragging about how importent their individuol jobs are, while covering their ass while talking about nothing in particulor.

The fourth message was from Granfather, hollering and screammin at me that he once again changed his mind, and that, "FINALE OR NOT" I was to drop everrything and come over there RIGHT NOW and pick him up. He rambolled on and on with all these murderrous threats saying that if, becuase of me, he had to spend even one more night here at the home of his girlfreind--his now EX-girlfreind, that I woud be getting an enema personaly adminstered by him that woud consist cheifly of a half-pound's worth of Number Three Bluefish Hooks that woud be left on the stove to glow red hot and which woud be delivered directley into my ass by means of a well greased shotgun.

The last messege

It was the County Clerk. This messege also was about 8 minutes long. (Our stupid compeny has unlimited phonemails)

How the County Clerk got my phone numbor here at work, i will never know. He was extremly furious. As you know the Countey Clerk of the county we live in is a sworn enemy of Granfather, and the feeling is likewise. It turns out that on the day that Granfather was in the Courthouse atending a hearing about his upcomming lawsiut, (the one where our next-door neighbors are suing him because of the old bastord's effect on their troppical birds), sombody took a crap in the County Clerk's snakeskin cowboy boots while they were sittin under his desk, and he was pretty sure it was Granfather.

He did not say how or why his shoes were off, or if he had witneses, or even how somthing like this coud of hapenned, but he did say that a warront was sworn out for the old basterd's arrest, and besides the point, our family owed him $477 dollors (which, I happan to think), is a little high for a pair of boots.

The County Clerk also said that THIS time he woud settle for no less than a caged bastord: That "samples of biomatter" taken from his shoes had been scraiped out, placed in speciel coolers, (which are normaly reserved for kidney transplants), and were right now on there way to the State Agroculturol Lab to be identiffied as 100% Pure Granfather ...and not only that, but Madison, Ripke and Blankenship, the three cryptozoologists who examine Granps had been served with subpeenas.

Those last two phone messeges were enuohg for me NOT to want to have lunch that day. I spent my lunch huor insted all by myself in the car where no one coud see me or talk to me.

After Lunch: In the ofice of the Lady who Screams

There is a framed picture on the desk of the Lady Who Screams at Everyone where she is seated on the back tailgate of the Flower Cart of Main Street U.S.A. in Disneyworld with her arm arround what looks like the saddest man I ever saw in my life. This is her husbend I am sure.

On the floor of the office was her kid who is abuot 9 years old and he was playing with these plastic Army men on the carpet.

I cannot stand this kid

This is not the first time the Lady Who Screams at Everyone's kid came to work. The last time he was here we had a two-hour staff meeting, and the whole time he was laying on his belly on the floor of the conforence room reading a book talking to himself and humming very loudley. I remember there was some poor guy sittin in the chair next to me, and while the kid was layin on his belly humming, he swung his foot behind himself to kick this poor guy in the leg with the tip of his shoe. All the poor guy coud do was force a weak smile and gaze down at the kid with a fake, "Isn't He Precious!" look on his face.

When the Lady Who Screamms at Everyone screamed "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THUMPING?" no one dared say a thing.

Then, in that same meeting, when it was my turn to talk about my Work Status, the danm kid starts humming loudor and loudor to drown me out.

I do not have a very loud voice and it started cracking and so my ass-kissing boss said very sternly to me, "Speak up, Miller!" and so did the two guys from Systems who giggel like girls, but no one had the balls to say anything TO the kid, or ABOUT the kid, because this was the kid of the Lady who Screams at Everyone.

So, you can imagine how scaired I was that she wanted to see me alone. I woudnt say i was actualy crapping in my pants, but there was some definite trouser chili on deck.

A new asignment

It seems, the kid was too sick to go to school that day, and The Lady Who Screams at Evryone coudnt get a sitter. I later found out that one of her feckless simpering toadys who works for her had been assigned to take the kid to the amusemant park down at the mall for the first half ofthe day. Why he was too ill to go to school but not sick enuogh to go to the mall, I will never know.

And so, for the second half of the day, there was a stack of videos she bruoght from home for the kid to watch in the conferrence room, while GEUSS WHO watched the kid for the rest of the day.

So, me, the kid and his mothor left the office and trudged down the hall single file with her leading the way and screamin at me the whole time while the kid bruoght up the rear by steppin on my heels as i walked and kicking me in the ass.

Inside the conference room was anothor one of the cowering flying monkeys who works for the Lady Who Screams at Everyone and he bowed and scraped and groveled in her presence as he wheeled in the VCR cart and plugged it in the wall.

Three times while I was babysitting for him he made me get up and go get him a pop from the kitchenette. They cost 75 cents each and GEUSS WHO paid. He is an anoying spoiled pain in the ass. He asked me how much money i made and then i made somthing up and he said, My dad makes more than that.

Then my boss, (Flying Monky Number One) barges into the room with a laptop that he plops down very hard on the conference room table. He tells me to jack into the drop in the wall so I can at least get on the lan and do some data entry work to prepare for The Big Rollout insted of sittin on my ass watchin TV all day. As if this is what I WANTED to do.

One of the videotapes had a bunch of Satuday morning cartoons on it. When the cartoons were over, there was a movie left on the tape, a very steamey R-rated film that somone had taped off of cable, (probly his poor emasculatted gelding of a father). The movie was The Last Sedutcion.

I said OH NO YOU DONT, and then I got up to turn it off. The kid started howling and said he wanted to watch it. I said HELL NO. Then he thretenned me. He said if i didnt let him watch it he woud tell his mothor that I "touched him in a bad way." Friggin little bastord. Of cuorse I gave in to him. Then while he was watchin the tape the pain in the ass kid asked me, Did you evor do that to a girl? and I said NONE OF YOUR DANM BUSINESS and he said DONT CURSE AT ME and i said I am NOT curcing.

I was so danm scared becuase with my luck somone woud of walked right into the conference room at the ecaxt worst part of The Last Sedduction. But it never happenned.

Back at my desk: I had Three more phone mails