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June 1998 Update

Page 6 of 8


By the time we got back to Junior's house the old coot was back to his old cruel self: Not being able to shut up. I had to hear his danm diatribe on relationshipps, as if he was Dear Abby and had all the answors. Granfather told me that he didnt realy feel so bad becuase, there isnt an argument in the world where a man ever got "the last word in" with a woman. Becuase whatevor he ever says at the end of an argument is atcually the first word of the new arguement.

Junior had the grill going in the backyard and Cathyann and DuWayne were alredy there drinkin beer while balancing these little leaky papper plates of greasy pottato salad on their chubby knees while both tryin to balance their ample asses on one lawn chair.

Junior was frying up some of those vegetarien burgers which contain no meat. Even thuogh he was stuffed with fried corn puffs Granfather ate 3 patties and said, "DAMN, THESE TASTE NASTY."

"I WISH OPRAH WOUD COME BACK TO TEXAS AN' SAY SOMTHIN' BAD ABOUT THESE HERE!"

But Cathyann said she liked them and was eatin them all week. Junior said he didnt mind them neithor. And DuWayne murmered in his low voice that his nose was so snogged up lately he coudnt taste nothin, but they did mash up nice in his moulth.

I get publicly abbused

You know, being nice to Granfather never payes off. Here I was just a few minuttes ago at the Sizzler comforting him, and now here in front of my freinds, he started to make fun of me. While I stood at the grill with Junior, Granfather slithers up to us, points to Cathyan and DuWayne smoochin it up, and whispors that I was "Jealous because I done got my woman stoled away from me by that thar feller."

I said Granfather, she was NEVOR my girlfreind! But that didnt stop him from continuouly humilliating me.

'Nostrildamus'

The horrid geezer's taunts got worse. While we were all four sittin there eatin our soy and sprout burgers at the foldout table, Granfather says in front of the whole group this extremly enbarassing childhood nickname for me.

I have a large nose to begin with and also you know how when you are in the Seventh Grade how big your feet and nose grow out of propportion on a boy. Well aneyway in my Class Pitcure that year I acidentaly flaired my nostrals just as they snapped the photo. Beleive me whan I say that even without flaring my nostrils open, my danm honker looked like a two car garage from head on that year. Well anyway (in addition to allot of cruel, mean abusive names I endured my whole life) I was known as "The Prophet Nostrildamus" all the way till high school.

"HEY NOSTRILDAMUS!" the beast mocked. "TELL US THE FUTURE!"

I was so danm pissed.

I said "OK, here it is: Lookin into my crystol ball i see The Shady Rest Nursing home, and a scandol involving a missing needle and a dead patient."

That shut his ass up.

Cathy Ann exploaded in a barky laugh, while DuWayne mumbled, "I don't git it."

Junior, from the way he acted, atcualy thoght i had the power to tell the future.

But even still i was so upset and embarassed at what Granfather said about this crule childhood nickname that I excused myself and went inside the house. Junoir called out to me "Wait! Dont!" like he was tryin to tell me somthing, but i didnt pay atention.

And I wish I did

Becuase right there in the TV room when i walked in I saw a really awfull site. It was Cathyann's mother, who I'd met once beffore, and who I had heard was invitted over Junior's house too. She wasnt an old womon but was missing almost all her teeth and she grinned gummily at me while she was bent over with her hands way behind her, backed up agianst the the air conditionor which was loudly blowing cold air perhapps an inch from her (Oh Gross!) bare, manually cleaved apart butt. Bare, and clearly cleaved by her bare hands, becuase, I coud clearley see, in the reflection of Junior's large mirrored Michelob Beer sign which hung on the wall right abbove the air conditionor, her dimpled hams as the frozen gust fluffed her flimsey pearl-buttoned housedress to billow up arround her shoulders and snap sharpley in the breeze like fresh starched flag.

Holy Crap: I was gettin "The Grand Tour" allright.

"Howdy!" she grunted at me, straining to stand up straihgt, and offoring me her moist hand to shake. Like a jerk who never wants to hurt aneyone's feelings, I shook it.

"My daughter done taught me this trick," she chirped. "We ain't got no air conditioner at our place...

"Oooh! It feels purty! An' these here new models don't harm the ozone none!"

Well, I wasnt so sure abuot THAT, but i didnt want to say nothin. I murmored somthin about having to go to the bathroom. As soon as I was in there, I cleaned my hand off with some strait Hydrogan Peroxide I found in the medicine cabbinet.

Back out in the yard Junior whispored that he was tryin to tell me that Mrs. so-and-so was inside "coolin off her ladylike parts." She finaly came outside too, and still grinning toothlessly, anounced to all the guests that, "This time o'year, you kin warsh, and warsh, and WARSH ALL DAY, but no matter: You still always feel a speck stinky, I tell you whut."

Still gripping the hem of the housedress makin a few last fluffs with one hand, she reached for a meatless burger with the othor, while DuWayne, stairing blankly into space, and out loud to no one in particulor muttered, "I dont rightly mind stinky. If'n a body cain't hep it."

I take the old basterd aside

I told him that i was VERY enbarassed and upset that he told evoryone about 'Nostrildamus'. I was even crying a little. Not, like, you know, BOO HOO crying but just a small amount of tears where you get choked up and have a large lump in your throahgt. Granfather said to me, "SORRY BOY, IT WONT HAPPAN AGINN," and while he said it he held his ugly gnarlled hands up to my face so i coud see his fingers were crossed.

"NOW GO IN JUNIOR'S FRIDGE AN' GIT ME A BEER. BEFORE I TELL ALL THESE HERE FOLKS HOW YOU WET THE BED TILL YOU WUZ TWELVE."

Granfather has four beers

And this of cource loosened up the old bastord. He began bragging and talking abbout his favorite subject: Himself. And also his recentley failed relationship.

He yammored on and on about how if your gonna snag yourself a rommantic involvement with the Celestial Muffin tray female counterpart version of a famous contemporery politician, you cant do much bettor than the female James Carvile.

"YOU DON'T WANT NO FEMALE BILL CLINTON -- N'LESS YOU WANT A DANM HOE."

"AN' YOU DON'T WANT NO ICE COLD FISH AL GORE. (AS A WOMAN, THET IS. AND IF'N I WUZ A WOMON, PROBLY NOT AS A MAN, NEITHER)."

"AN' AS FAR AS THEM REPUBLICANS:
YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT NO PHONY BIG MOUTH FEMALE AL D'AMATO, OR SOME UGLY-ASS OL' SENATOR FRED THOMSON IN A DRESS, THET'S FER GOLLDANG SURE."

I went back into the house, this time to dial into my phonemail. I dont know what it is, but whenevor i am feeling worthless, I check my email and my phonemail.

There was a mesage from my boss

Just as he had asked me, I had documentted, by e-mail, my work status twice a day. Id sent him 2 notes from yesterday, and 2 from today. His messege consisted of a loud scream that said: "I have four emails from you! STOP SPAMMING ME!"

Evereything adding up made me feel very depressed. I descided it was time for me to leave the cookout. I went off toword the car.

It was very quiet and no one said nothin and from where I stood, the only thing you coud hear was Granfather screaming his twistad philosophies out from way at the othor end of the yard, while other people tried to get there own two cents in as well. But you never can, becuase the domineering bastord never lets you.

"JUNIOR, YOU DUMB ASS!", I heard him howl.

"THE REGULAR JANET RENO IS THE FEMALE JANET RENO."

Poor Junoir looked away and hung his head in shame.

I snuck away and got in the car and spent a few hours at home.

The workmen had gone, but left a note which said that the cement on the new supports of the trailor woud have to sit anothor 3 days before we coud move back in.

Also, at the foot of the road by the rurol route mailboxes, I saw that woman who was our nieghbor. The lady who has all the troppicol birds.

She was hystericaly crying.

As you know Granfather is facing 2 diferrent lawsuits AND a Court Order to cease and desist from harrassing her. One of the lawsiuts involves Granfather's repeated farting, burping, and clearing his throat in a wet graiting sound. Even though the womon lives a half-mile away, the birds can hear Granfather, and so they mimic him. This has been makking life unbearoble for her, and besides: You cant sell no birds who make noises like Granfather.

New Charges

Unbeknownst to me, the old basterd had been calling this womon's answering machene all day long from the female James Carvill's house. Because our nieghbor is at work, there is no one to pick up the phone, and Granfather knows this.

He screams into the phone ovor and over:

KISS MUH SCRAGGLY ASS!
KISS MUH SCRAGGLY ASS!
...and now ALL her birds have picked up the phraise. She has NINE birds.

She told me that there was an arrest warront sworn out for the bastord's capture. That made TWO warrents in this week alone, each for sepparate charge. The othor charge was for crapping in the County Clerk's shoes. They way i see it, why dont they just put the beast in the danm zoo.

She was screamin at ME like it was my fault, and while I sympothized with her, there was nothing I coud do abbout it. Yes, I too am a Granfather Survivor.

The Day of the Big Rollout

Ovor the objecctions of that pain in the ass person in Chicago and her danm "task force", the Cyberblop Summer Rollout still went on as schedouled. We all had to be at the office at 7 am, and they hired a bus to drive us the 80 miles to the Best Westorn (which isnt a Best Western anymore) out on the Interstate. We all coud of drove ourselves much cheaper by carpooling it, but they were anxoius to put on an "Enviromentaly Freindly" face for Corporate.

Rah, Rah, Rah

The bus ride also served as a conference room for a speciel company meeting we were having. The first speaker was this idiot from one of the othor branch offices who treid to whip us all into singing songs and saying "Hip! Hip! Horray for Cyberblop!"

But it was too earley in the morning to hear his cheerful screeching into the scratchey microphone of the bus's public adress system. I geuss if I was makin as much money as him, I woud of at least made one "Hip!"

The next speakor was this even stupider Cyberblop Public Rellations guy. I woud bet he is the last remaining persen in the Internet industry who still wears a business suit to work. He reminded us of all these stupid things, like, to be sure not to eat all the finger food at the Rollout, because that was all brouhgt there for the guests. And also to SMILE!

Also, we all were all instructed to say nice things abbout Cyberblop, and diferent things to diferent guests: For exampol, if we met some young content developer types, we were suposed to say how "cool" and "kickass" a company we were. And if it hapanned to be a member of the press, we were to answor all qeustions by saying: NO COMMENT.

The third persen to talk was Combover, from Payroll. (Thats not his real name, but they call him that behind his back becuasse he has the most incredibol combover you ever saw.)

Oh, puhLEEZE you gotta be kidding.

I cant bellive what kindof crap they are pulling now