Walter Miller's Home Page

"The critically acclaimed website, Walter Miller's Home page is exactly what one expects to find on the Internet every day but never does. Blood, pus, abuse, and heinous bodily odors..."
-- The Daily Pennsylvanian, (University of Pennsylvania), 9/19/96

Feb 97 Update

Page 3 of 8


I dressed him in his best piss green leisore suit while he combed & parted his hair in the middle slickin it down with clear Duco cement by mistake instead of Brilcream. Stupid basterd. It was cold so he wore his red plaid hunting cap with earflaps.

I said, Granfather you have nothin prepared to say but the old ogre is pretty good on his feet & said SHUT UP BOY AND DRIVE.

On arival he scampored out of the car like a skinny gnarled lizerd, dragged his wheelchair out, hopped in & rolled to the front door in one fluid reptilian movement. Speakin of 'reptilien movements' a small one burnt a hole in his pants; I smelt it the whole ride. It smeared allover the danm backseat. I know he did it on purpuse cause he woudnt let me slap a diapor on him before leavin.

The TV staff knows him

This isnt the 1st time granfather showed up unanounced to air his views and other dangerus gaseous emisions. Last time he didnt get on TV but DID get arested. A few guys from inside ran out and said they were gointo call the cops. Granfather holared back: HOWDJA LIKE ME TO USE YER PUBLIC RESTROOM? There was lots of screamin & i started cryin.

My idea

i queitly asked the station manager why not just vidoetape his oposing viewpoint then JUST DONT AIR IT. Infact they coud even film it in the storeroom and not even let him in the studio. This woud placate him & then hed want to leave. He liked the idea.

MAKE UP! LETS HAVE MAKEUP HERE GARDAMMIT

Granfathers skin is so greasy it wont hold makeup. The girl who works there just dabbed him with a damp papertowel & told him it was makup. Then she went in the ladys room and I heard her cry and throwup. Then I wheeled the monster into a backstage area no one uses and the camera began rolling. We scammed him into thinkin he was bein taped. By now the hunting hat fused to his head from the hardoned glue.

Granfathers essay was delivored without notes and titled "In the Spirrit of Bipartisonship"--they told him he had 30 seconds but he ramboled for 5 minutes critizising Clintin, Dole, Gingrich & even Ross Perot all equaly. I didnt pay atention to the whole thing but heres how he began his diotribe:

SO LET US THEN "BUILD A BRIDGE TO THE 21ST CENTORY." CLINTONS SAID THIS PITHY LYRIC SO MUCH I WONDER WHY HE AIN'T YET BY THIS TIME GAVE HIMSELF A DANM REPETITIVE STRESS INJURY TO HIS JAW...

He cletched a cigarete inhis teeth the whole time & kept spittin and spraying and even passed gas at one point obscuoring his own words but kept on talkin as the glue melted and rolled down the sides of his head from the hot lihgts. He used alot of anoying word combonations like, "Its Outragous! Eggregious! Inconscionable! Abomminoble! He sounded like a danm cross between JoeBob Briggs and Jonny Cochran. Heres how he ended his speech:

...AND SO, IN CONCLUSION, LET MR. RODHOM-CLINTON ALSO PAY A BIG FINE FER HIS MISDEEDS AS DID GINGRICH...

AND FER EXPEDIENCY'S SAKE I SUGGEST CONGRESS BE WILLIN' TO ACCEPT PAYMENT IN EITHER A FEW BIG OLE YELLER ENVOLOPES STUFFED WITH INDONESIAN RUPEES, OR ELSE A LARGE AMOUNT O' UNMARKED MCDONALD GIFT CERTIFICATES, WHICHEVER IS MORE CONVENIENT FOR, (IN POLITICLY CORRECT TERMS), OUR 'ETHICLY CHALLENGED, GRAVITATIONALLY PREPONDERANT EXECUTIVE CODEPENDENT'.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

I was right--as soon as we finished he was happy to leave. On the way back home we passed this ramshakol old courregated steel road house Id seen many times with rust streaks where the all the rivits are. Granfathor cried out for me to stop cause he wanted to go in there for a shot of whisky and to drop in on OLD FREINDS.

YOU GO SIT OVER THERE BOY he said to me so i went to a booth an ordered some food. So at the end of the bar i see the old basterd talkin with this familor lookin ugley lady i remember from a few years ago but coudnt remember from where about his age with long stringy hair and a giant hooknose and lookin very much like Howord Stern in drag.

When we got back in the car i said Granfather she looks familer do I know her? And he said SHUT UP BOY AND DRIVE.

Big truobble at home!!