Walter Miller's Hompage

"IM NOT A REAL ALIEN BUT I PLAY ONE ON THE INTERNET"
-- one of granfathers pickup lines

Feb 97 Update

Page 7 of 8


As i said i cant metoin the organzation thats after granfather but it seems there very resuorcful and found out OTHOR things about him--like his strange hobbys. I dont mean his colecting but his HOBBEIS. As the phone call with this mean woman ended she told him: By the way Pops i know they call you:

The LORD OF THE FLYS

As an evil pevverted child, granfather as you may geuss was the sort to pull legs off spiders & that type of thing. Growing older, his atention drew to flies, (as flies of course are drawn to him). And we have some BIG horseflys in this part of the country they look like friggin flying Raisonettes when you get 2 or 3 of the candies stuck together.

Each July or Augost, the old coot and an evil army pal of his from Oklohoma who comes to visit, catch these big flys in our yard then spray them with this cold stuff or else some hairspray which incapacotates them. They store the moribund vermin a few hours in a baggy in the frigde next to the hotdogs. (Yes A VERY apetizing sight).

Then, in the workshop theyd fashion these peculier custom model airplanes which quite ingenoisly are made to weigh nothing: With a razerblade you cut these whisker thin strips of balsa wood then build a frame. Then you pour liquod gelatin in the frame; when it drys you have a wing.

There about 12" long and look like W.W. I Red Baron planes and fly best prior to storms when the barrometer drops--You dab Crazy Glue on 1 fly's belly then afix him way on top. They fly around an around the yard moving real slow about as fast as a man walking and if a plane was made right itd go almost an hour til the fly dies of a heart atack. Seruoiusly.

The girlfreinds sister found out about it cause once Granfather and the derranged Okie got drunk and blew the danm planes out of the sky with shotguns. It was my brother who called the Sherif that time.ANIMAL ABBUSER! the old hag screamed on the phone. She also told him that he might of got off in 1990 for The Snoball Incodent and had charges dropped in '92 and '95 for canine vegetable feed infractoins ('95 was my fault), but HE WAS NOW ON NOTICE that plants & animols were growin each year in stature in this country, "and gaining rights even as huemans lose them", and not only that, but THATS THE PLAN.

She said ILL SEE YER ASS IN COURT BUB. Well the jokes on her cause the damn old basterd isnt HUMAN at all buts an animal himself.

Anothor kitchen item ruined

It was a VERY awful day. I cryed till I fell asleep & didnt cook supper so he made his own. Lately he eats stuff like fried stringcheese. He puts oil & salt in a pan then frys string cheese logs til they get rock hard chewy crispy brown an burgondy colorred. Probly lookin like Willy Nelsons liver must look like.

I stuck my head out & saw he still had the ragged cigar stump in his mouth all torn where i ripped it from his teeth lookin like one of those gag explodin cigars after the fact. It was unlit but i hoped it WAS cause he had a shower cap on filled with minerol spirits to soak the glue off his hair. Old idiot.

The lazy basterd didnt use a dish and insted licked the burnt cheese out of the pan--Big mistake. Granfathers venomous toxic salliva took the nonstick coating RIGHT OFF THE PAN tothe shiny steel undorneath. This hapened before. I coud hear him holler on the phone at the cookware company--YES they KNOW him--and they holered back their canned response, about how the "miracle of their Space Age surfaces cant be epxected to stand up aganst the phenomona of his Stone Age biology." In angor he sqiurted tobaco juice at the speakerphone which is a REAL prodductive thing to do.

I reconcile with the Croccodile

Granps sudenly started screamin cause he just remembered his 'editorial' at the TV station where he labeled BOTH Al Gore and Neut Gingrich as 'tree huggers.' So now it was public that he is AGANST the envirroment plus it was MY FUALT cuase I drove him there!!

I said RELAX! and being Im such a good liar I told him I already called the statoin from my room & asked them to pull the spot before it aired becuase of the loud fart he made during the taping. Granfathers single giant thatched eyebrow rose with pleasant suprise and he said THANKS BOY IF YOU WASNT SO BUTT UGLY I COUD KISS YOU.

i said PLAESE DONT Granfather.

TAKE THIS THANG OFF!