Walter Miller's Homepage

Dont beleive everything you read

Speciel Double Decembor 1998 Update: Part I

Page 3 of 6


Oh, I forgot to tell you this in the begginning of this update:

Here is a breif program note:
MY OUTGOING E-MAIL IS STILL BUSTED. If youve wrote to me in recent weeks, you may of noticed that I havent wrote back. There may be sevoral reasens for this.
  • NUMBER ONE: One is that I get allot of email and just cant keep up with it all. I am workin full time and I have a very long commutte 3 days a week, plus if youve read this hompage for any ammount of time you know that I have the old basterd (Granfather) to tak care of all the time vis a vis my continnuol and unceasing duties of haulin him upon the crapper, changin his adult diapors and wipin his frikkin ass. I prommise you all that I ever become a sucess whereby this danm website can support me, well then I still dont promise I can respond to you all becuase i will be fammous, right? But I will be able to have more time for that sort of thing. Plus more time to update my fammous Wedgie Page and also the Walter Miller Links of the Day.

  • NUMBER TWO: Did sombody mention Numbor Two? Can somone smell the "numbor two" arround here or is it just me? OK I am bein sarcaustic here. Please bare with me its been a rough cople of weeks. Numbor Two is what I mentioned above: That my out going email is busted.

    What do I mean by "busted?" I mean that MSN Hotmail, the e-mail I use, somtimes is quirkey with the browser I use at home. Somtimes it works, and somtimes it is "incompatible"

    What browser do I use at home? Well I am not going to tell you. Let those bozoes at Micrasoft fix them ALL, and hearby be compattible with millions of people's choices insted of forcing milions of people to be compatoble with them.

    Arrogent morons. I am sorry for the rant but if the Micrasoft "industrey standard" was ever broght to the danm movies (and dont think Im kiddin arround that this will never happan), just dont be supprised if the remake of The Sound Of Music dosent have no danm songs.

  • Yes i know what your thinking: Walter you dimwit, Just answor your e-mail from your web browser at work. Well, I cannot. I am not allowed to do non-work rellated stuff at my workstattion. I dont even want to try it. If I do and am evor coght, they will have yet annothor impunitious reason to fire my ass.

    OK I apologgize for that diversion. Now I will get back to the story.

    There realy wasnt allot of other stuff that took place durin the rest of the meal. Uncle Zeke who is not realy known for being that witty came off with a supprizingly good crack at Granfather's new girlfreind, the virtuol female version of two-timing preisdential candidate H. Ross Perott. He said that her head was so small that he bets her danm highschool yearbook photo was marked 'Actual Size'.

    This got her angry and she tried to kick Zeke under the table. He retorted by saying, (loud enuogh for other diners to hear), while holding each of his own huge ears out from the side of his head:

    "Hey. Lady: Yo Qiuero Taco Bell...."Y'hear me? I said Yo Quieero Taco..."
    ..."Heard you the first time, Dumbass," she answored sharpley.

    We take the Basterd to the hospitol

    Suddenley, siting in the restorant, Granfather had some sort of seizure. There was this runny disgousting tomatoe aspic lookin stuff that started to run from the wound on Granfather's forhead where Uncle Zeke powernailed the small rolling wheel from the WetDry Vac onto the old basterd's head. Sudenly his eyes rolled back and he leapt from his seat, stood breifley on wavoring legs and then colapsed landing headlong with a splashey whack into the creme broulet that wasnt on his table but the table of annothor diner. A very horrified and revulsed diner i might add.

    Then he stood agian, and this time he fell unconscoius. The little wheel on his head hit the plank floor and as his feet scramboled arround propelling him, Granfather rolled headfirst all the way into the non-smoking section of the restuarant.

    An Ambulence ride

    Granfather hasnt realy been in an amboulence for a long time since they dont come to our house anymore. But you know places like restuoronts nowadays dont like to be sued.

    Leave it to my danm family

    Uncle William began a big scene with the management that "his poor brothor" who is alergic to nitrites just keeled over becuase whatever they served him must of HAD nitrites, and if our whole party didnt get to dine there for free that night, that he woud sue us, and if Granfather died, they woud sue us aneyway. And so no one paid. Of cource if Dad was there (he was in the ambbuolance with Granfather), he woud of been shocked at this and paid anyway. Also, Uncle Will (Of cource) hates Granfather's guts and wishes he was dead annyways. But what Uncle Will said is typicol: thats my family for you. It is a hummilliattion even to be part of it. Later on when Granfather came out of the unconsciousness, both my Uncles made him pay them eleven bucks for his supper which they told him they paid for. Which of cuorse they didnt, they ate for free.

    The X-rays at the hospitol showed the nail going dirrectley thruogh Granfather's brain but no one coud explain it why he was still alive. (Which is nothin new, as no one can explian how somone like him got born anyway).

    In a few minuttes Granfather was awake agian and sopme poking and prodding showed that a large hard cyst had growed arround the nail in his brain, and he no longer felt any pain or dizzeyness. In any case Medicaid payed for it all. We took Granfather home after that. Everyday is a new supprizing adventure with the old basterd.

    Well one place where allot of very predictable and explainable stuff took place was at my job, at the place I work that i refer to as Cyberblop

    Yes they finaly had there had their Giant Re-Org

    Yes and allot of people got the left foot of fellowship, and it hapenned right during Thangksgiving week.

    It was a queit somber day. Everyone, from those who are fired, to those being fired, to those who have to do the firing are all on their best behavior, because they all know that this is very revealling of people's charactor. According to my Dad, layoffs in the hightech industrey today is not like the layofs he experrienced in the '80s and early '90s with all the weeping and nashing of teeth. No, you have to be nice becuase you too may soon be canned and need these blockheads for when you need a job.

    Yes: My deppartment had a few casualties. Suposedly the "objective outside consultents" were the ones who made all the decsisions. A few peoplle, a very few made out prettey well, including my Boss's Boss, (the Nose Picker), and his boss, (The Lady Who Screams At Everyone), who ended up gettin promotions. I will tell you what hapenned in a minute to my boss, the anoying perky toadfaced little woman.

    Besides being fired, even more people got demoted. Yes if you make more than, like, $50K a year, (and I do not), or else have been with the company a long time they dont like to fire you. Insted they demote you or else offer you a new, houmilliating job asignment that you dont dare take, and insted quit in shame. Fortunatly this didnt happan to me becuase I am at the end of the food chain and you cant get any lowor than me. In fact this was a rare ocurence where I didnt get fired at all.

    I have a confesion to make

    And i am not ashamed of it. Cyberblop New Media (not the company's real name) is owned by Corporate Incorporated (not there real name eithor). And even thuogh Cyberblop is being presented as a new, "cutting edge" company they are realy a wholly owned part of the big stuffy stodgy fusty Corporate Incorporrated. (Talk about perfuming the pig).

    Whats funny about the whole thing is that much of Cyberblop is staffed by people who coudnt hold onto there originol jobs at Corporate. Oh well. But in any case here is my confession:

    Everyone, even those who work at Cyberblop has a Corporate Enployee ID Number. On the day of the layoffs, the peoplle who are to be canned are identifeid by their Number. The numbers are in the big Admin system. The big Admin system is the thing that sends your boss the email that says that YOU are the one who is goingto be canned, and also FedEx'es out the Departure Packet from Corporate Headqaurters to all the corporate locations arround the country.

    The big Admin system

    The big Admin system dosent give a crap what your name is, only your Employyee Number.

    Howevor, If, on the Wendsday beffore the Monday layoffs, (becuase, we all know, ALL layofs are on monday) you hack into the System and change your ID numbor to eithor all zeroes or "Null Value" then you dont get layed off. And these jerks dont even count up the number of people gettin canned, so its not like they come back a week lator to say "YOUR FIRED."

    It is not like I am particuoulorly smart or anything. Any moron can hack the system plus im not the only one who does it.

    If i wanted to be a real basterd about it i woud put the number of the danm president of Corporate in there insted of mine, but i am a nice guy.

    The Day of the layofs

    First lets back up to the Wendsday before the Monday. We had a big staff meeting where the emoticon twins, the two outside consultents I wrote abbout with the faces like text smily faces who one of them looks like this:

    :v)

    ...and the other looks like this:

    =:)

    ...they were both looking extra cheerrful in a particulorly forced way. They are the ones who ran the meeting. Have you ever seen somone force a smile of graciossiousness and freindliness when you know they are about to take a bite out of your ass. It is the face of a devil. A grimace of malice for a smile; a smile as sincear as that of a skeleton of a wolf. That is the face they were making.

    In case your wondoring, the emoticon Twins make $1,000 a day plus expenses to fly them in from Sunnyvail or San Mateo or wherevor the hell there from becuase while i was in the big Admin System i looked it up. It turns out that they are both college buddies of The Lady Who Screamms At Evereyone and that the one who looks like this: =:) has never used a conputer before, or atleast, even if she never did use a computer before is in any case stupid enuogh to poke her head into the cube of the guy who sits next to me, and upon veiwing his screen saver of fish and flying toasters remarked, while still smiling like this: =:) "OH BOY WHAT PART OF THE INTERNET IS THAT?"

    Finaly D-Day arives