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A few fries short of a Happy Meal

Speciel Double Decembor 1998 Update: Part I

Page 6 of 6


An ugly smile

You know one of the the funny things abuot re-orgs is how people you work with who never give you the time of day all of a sudden are your best freind if they think that you know somthin they dont. One guy who saw me talkin to my little gnomelike pain in the ass boss waddled up to me while I was in the bathroom, smiling, which he never ever does. He is a "suit" which means he is a highlevel guy, like a Director or somthing. In fact the only time I ever had a convorsattion with him was him bitchin at me once abbout my taking his parkin spot (as if we had assigned spots: We do not). So thanks to this re-org I was now seeing his teeth for the first time. They were brown and furry. He was standing next to me pissing .

"So," he says to me, "Hear anything good?"

"Johnson's out," I said instinktively. (I dont not even know who Johnson is; I mereley was parrotting somthing I heard in the hall.)

"Ooh! What else?" he said with a crooked smile while at the same time making a coupol of really loud farts. I was right next to him for Godsake. I dont know what it is about urinals that makes men in mens' restrooms talk to other men right next to them and then fart real loud withuot inpunity. They woudnt dare fart in front anothor, say in the conference room. It is a bathroom not a Farting Room.

"Nash has had it," I contineud. "Haines is gone. Close the lid on Peters, and dont forget the nails. And old Hadley -- stick a fork in him, he's done."

I went on...

"Brown? Dont make me luagh. Conner? He's as 'out' as 'Ellen.' And you might as well spread butter on Wilson's ass cause she's toast."

I normolly wasnt so talkattive but in adittion to being nervous and upset abbout the layoffs I was severely buzzing on green tea which as you know (i just found out myself) contains, in adittion to a little cafeine, this othor strong naturol stimulent. I forgot to take the teabag out and it got very dark and nasty but I drank it anyway.

I am the kind of persen who never talks allot and when I do i usualy make an ass out of myself so you can immagine how bad i am when I talk allot. What the hell, he is a suit and one day i may need him to get a job a or somthin. Plus, as someone who is usualy on the recieving end of layoffs, who woud ever know whan i will ever have a chance agian to have a conversation like this?

Yes, in this danm business there is nothing so self satisfyeing and boosting to the self image than, as a survivor, to be able to triumphentley rattle off the list of casualties to a stranger.

The guy (the suit) with the furrey teeth in the urinnal next to me liked all the stuff i told him, nodded, tapped his winkie dry and did the little shiver and zipped, then flushed the urrinal with the palm of his hand, (the same hand he tapped with) and patted that palm on my back of my neck as he passed by behind me while I peed. And he said to me:

"Thanks for the dirt, pal!"

While he washed his hands I asked him if he'd heard aneything, (any rumors) and he looked distracted and looking blankley into the mirror said, "Hmmm! No, No."

"Busted"

...But a minutte later anothor suit came in and in hushed tones (so I woudnt hear) he spilt his guts, not only tellin the othor suit all the stuff I just told him, but allot of othor stuff I didnt know before: And one of those things was it seems that in the reorg, my pain in the ass boss ended up with a big demotion. (Here at Cyberblop they call getting a demotion being "busted down to size" or else just "busted.")

Actualy top managment wasnt sure where they were goingto put her as a result of this demotion, but sureley they were planing to bust her down to somthing very, very hummiliatting, just so she will leave on her own out of shame rather than be oficially "downsized" which is a more expensive option for the company.

I guess here at Cyberblop, Demotion is to Downsizing just as Censure is to Inpeachment.

I am bad

I am not one for pranks and things like that but som people who work here are. Anyway when I got back to where the cubicols were i did somthing I feel realy bad about. Some of the wiseass programmors (who it always seem never get layed off no mattor how hard they try becuase they are too valuable), alwayes come up with some sort of a prank each time there is a Re-org. Usualy it is some sort of ireverent Top Ten list circullated as an anonmyous e-mail. Once it was a giant .jpeg of the Vietnom Memoriel Wall, but with the names of all the layed off people airbrushed in. Yes, a sick joke, I know. I did not particippate in that one.

The re-org-related prank for the 4th Quartor 1998 Cyberblop layoffs is still being talked abbout a month later in hushed tones as "The Laila inciddent."

What they did was hack into the Big Admin system where they keep coppies of digitized photos of evereyone's company ID card. Then they made a short film that was a spoof of that scene in Goodfellas when Ray Liotta is doing a voiceovor narration with Eric Claptons "Laila" playing in the backround as he describes all of the lowlevel gangstors who got whacked by Robert Deniro, when they discover all of the bodies in the trash conpacters, and dumpsters. Except insted of it being Jimmy-Two-Times and Johnny Roast Beef who are found hangin frozen and dead in the reffrigerated meat truck, or shot thruogh the head while siting in the Eldorrado Coupe that he wasnt suposed to buy with the Luftansa heist money, it is our co-workers, whose faces were Photoshopped on top.

The film was sent out as an anonymuos downloadoble e-mail atachment to the whole company. Upper managment so I hear is stokeingly pissed about it.

I addmit to weakness

The Laila film was sort of funny but also not nice. Normaly I am sensittive to othor people's feelings but the only reasen why i particippated was that the programmors needed my help with some of the funny lines for the voiceover. After i helped them they were just as mean to me as beffore. I only helped them becuase I wanted to feel like I belong. As you know if youve been reading my work over these past years, I strouggle with a poorself image and aceptance plus I am extremely shy. Also i am a folower and not a leader who seeks aproval and belonging. Plus i am very immatture. This is enbarasing to admit but its true. Later on i went in the bathroom agian, and this time alone, i went in one of the stalls and cried.
(But not alot: Its not like i am a big baby or anything.)

Also, in case you are wondorring, one of the funnier lines I wrote was for one of the flitty ladies in personnel who got fired in the reorg and the narattion said:

"After being discovored frozen stiff in the reffrigerrated meat truck, it took 3 days for (Mrs. So-and-so)'s make up to thaw. And after the cops scraped it off they found Jimmy Hoffa under there."

I began to worrey about my future.

Hell, I am six figures in debt, my life is a mess, i have a lowpaying job which I kept only because of a technicallity, (a technicality of my own hand no less). Hell, i had a right to worrey. The Right to Worry is the God given right of every persen in this industrey, irregardless of what the rosy futurists predict. One of the things i worreid abbout for my imediate future was that Granfather somhow screwed up and didnt get my resume out by Second Day Mail to that freind of my now demoted pain in the ass boss.

Later on that aftornoon after we wrapped up the Laila film i was in the kitchenette making myeself anothor green tea and I overheard some othor juicey stuff and just as I was walkin out I nearley bumped into the suit with the furry teeth I saw earlier takin a leak next to me and I said to him (withuot thinking because there were othor people right behind him),

"Meade is out," I blurted, "Smith is gone, and Clark is busted." I repeatted in a low whispor under my breath to myself as i turned to scoot away, BUST -eeeaaahhd!"

"You asshole," cried the suit, "I'M Clark!"

I guess I was feelin pretty bad abuot things by the time i left and considerring my combined feelings of upsetness and worthlesness and even a little Laila rellated guilt i tellyou I was almost in the mood to imediatly get home to attend Granfather's stupid girlfreind's dumb focus group.

This is the End of the first Part of the Double Decenber update

Yes I guess its both fitting and pittiful to end an update on such a dumbass kind of thing like a Focus Group

Go dirrectly to the First Page of Part II of the Speciel Decembor 1998 Update