OK I admit it: Everrything you read here is real.
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Instead of doin the wouAAooAAoo noise he starts talkin to her in a clipped stilted voice, in a slight English acent, and transposing his sentences. You know, like when you say 'Are You Not Concerned' instead of "AIN'T YOU GIVE A DANM", which is his regulor way of talking.
She got scaired and ran into the bathroom. Then Granfather said "WATCH THIS BOY." He popped out the fake diamond eyes from the tiki head and put them one each in his own eyes, holding them in place with his eyelids and stared at me. (Granfather has musculor, prehensile eyelids. Ive seen him open screwtop bottles with one of his eyelidds). This was pretty scary.
Then he scampored off after her like a furry rat who someone just squirted gasoline on, and the rat knows is holding a lightor. I said GRANFATHER STOP YOUR SCAIRING US BOTH. He ran into the bathroom aftorword speakin all these nonsencicol things over and over, one of which was:
"IM GONNA EAT YOU UP!" he screamed.
Do you knoew when an adult says to a little kid, "IM GONNA EAT YOU UP!" to make the kid laaugh? Well when i was about 3 or 4 and Granfather used to say that to me I atcually feared he WOUD eat me. Once he screamed it at me while pointing to the barbocue in my dad's yard and it scared me so much i crapped in my pants. I must of been abbout 7 when THAT hapened and it was infront of guests too. As usual the old bastord cackoled and laughed his ass off.
But this time I told him GET OFF Granfather. He snickered and then scampored off to bed. Two hours later the screams began. Granfather was having the most horroble dream of his life. I turned on the light and me and the old girlfreind dragged him into the bathroom becuase he was shouting and shaking histerically and ran cold wator on him in the tub. It was the only way to make it stop. Finally he stopped. Then drippin wet he grabbed me by my collor and pulled me close. "GIT ME THET TEE-KEE HEAD, BOY".
Granfather told me to go in the parkin lot and find a big brick or rock and crush it to bits. i was very glad to do this. The Tiki head didnt have one of those plastic recycling numbors on the bottom, so anyway i found a trash can and put the peices in there. In the meantime he kept the diamand eyes, only to later have them apraised to see if there real diamonds.
"BESIDES," said Granfather. "ONLY MEBBE FIFTEEN PERCENT OF THE EVIL IS IN THEM EYES. THE REST IS IN THE HEAD."
When he was finaly composed enuough, he told us his dream. He said he dreampt he was a Happey Meal Toy. Yes, an actual living toy like in Toy Storey: He was a little plastic "Granfather in a wheelchair." And Youll never guess who bought him: Bill Clinton.
The president just came back from jogging and was on his way home and wanted to stop for a burgor. He was in the limousine with a Secret service man and also Tresury Secretery Rubin. They were normol sized, but Granfather was tiny. He was rattling around at the bottom of the bag. He said the french fries in the bag were as big as railroad ties.
Clinton climbed into the back seat of the limo and threw the paper bag Granfather was in onto the car seat in front ofthem. "EVEN LIL' BOB RUBIN LOOKED LIKE A DANM GIANT," he said.
Clinton was very very sweatey and wearin jogging clothes. Rubin was wearin a suit, and the president kept snitching his french fries and askin him for a bite of the Apple Pie. The secret service man told Rubin that he had to say YES and surender the food, cause he was the Preisdent of the US. Rubin looked pissed but there was nothin he coud do about it.
As the limo pulled into the White Huose driveway they looked out the window and saw the Gores were there and their big old dog was romping arround on the lawn and you know how hes always crapping everywhere. Clinton had taken his sneakers off but now figuored he'd better put them back on. (Clinton cant stand Gores dog, so rumor has it).
He bolted up from his seat and switched to the other seat opposite--remember, Granfather was in the papper bag. He rolled out as fast as he coud to avoid gettin sat on. But he wasnt fast enuogh.
As you know, Granfather can climb out of his wheelchair and use a walker. Somtimes, when hes feelin good, he can even walk with just a cane. But not in THIS dream: "REMEMBER, BOY, I WAS A HAPPEYMEAL TOY. MY DANM ASS WAS DONE GLUED TO THET THERE WHEELCHIAR."
Clinton was wearin a sweaty t-shirt and those very baggy and extra short red parrachute material running shorts, the famous shorts which were unflattoring to his pale, blubbery legs; the red shorts that in his first term George Steffonopolis had told him NOT to wear anymore because they werent 'Presidential', and especialy not to get photograhped anymore wearing them while jogging with the likes of David Hasselhoff, but instead to find someone more errudite and scholorley, like perhaps David McCulloff. You KNOW the shorts.
The air resistence of the great load descending caused the loose baggy leg openings to fluff up, and anyone who saw the famous 1992 MTV interveiw knows that the man wears boxers (not breifs) and these too fluffed open and outward as well, revealing a steadily lowering, omminous ceiling of cleaved pasty flesh. The way granfather described it it was like 'James and the Giaint Peach' where the peach retained its cloven peach shape ecxept was made of Turkey Roll.
The old bastord told me that from his tiny vantage point the First Butt filled up the sky exactley the way the giant spaceship covored the entire city from horizen to horrizen in the movie Independance Day. Granfather looked at me with his concerned, watery lizerdlike eyes and said to me, his voice slihgtly cracking, "IT WAS A GARSHAWFUL NIGHTMARE."
"I TELL YOU BOY, Y'AINT NEVER SEEN SO MUTCH BIG WHITE ASS COMIN' AT YUH."