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Rated L-16, Web-14, Net"15", "TV-D" SX-17, f-15, 'Blue', TV14, PG-13, FAM12+, Com15...

MidJuly 97 Update

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Why did we take a trip??

The abusive mean troll and his frighteningley ugly flubby faced old wench hoe girlfreind are talkin about 'JUMPING THE BROOM" as they say. This is a rurol Americanism for getting HITCHED. And NO, i do not mean having a feedbag filled with bran husks 'hitched' to one of the deep crevisses or torturous wrinkley channels of the girlfreinds hideously scary face, (which, in obscuring large parts of it, woud be an inprovement), but im talking abbout GETTIN MARRIED.

Of cuorse the whole thing is a scam

Thats true--they have no intention of getting married. Yes, a scam in order to acomplish several things. One is for Granfatthor to see his litle great Grandson for the first time. As you know theres a big rift in the family where my brother and sisterin Law do not allow him to see the kid. He is 2 years old and very cute. I love him allot and I coudnt see him eithor becuase my brother was fighting with ME for takin granfathers side in the family rift.

Anothor part of the scam is to get money from the old hag's relatives. She suposedly has rich relations and is bucking to get some cash as a weding gift.

Also I admit I am part of the scam too.

By agreeing to acompany the two old medical anomalies to California I avoid having to drive them to Branson. I wrote in a prior update how I was suposed to take them to Branson. Howevor, jerk that i am, I didnt know till I looked at the map that Branson is much more closer to Texas than Califonria. (I thuoght Misouri was ovor near Georgia. I am always gettin my States wrong).

Well anyway at least I saw my little nepheuw.

Why we drove instead of flew

They had a 20/20 story on ABC a few weeks ago and it was all about how the airlines are fihgting back agianst people who act bad on flights. They say that if you act bad on a flight its a Fedoral crime and now theyll throw your skinny leatherey sextuagenarian rancid smelling ass in jail. Granfathers alreadey been banned from most airlines. We do not need anymore legal troubles. The family descided it was best WE DRIVE.

How a family reunion came out of the the Scam

In anouncing their 'Engagement' Granps and the bitch made up some dumb story in order to have the whole family 'come together' in the spirit of Peace. Yeah right. How abbout the spirrit of gettin a 'peice' of the action.

"Lyin-Cryin'"

Thats what we call it when he turns on the waterworks. The doctor says the old bastord has a rare genetic abillity called "Lachrymosa Profunda Giganto-thrippicus Halitosis" where he can turn on tears at will. (He can do ANY human functoin at will and plenty of non human, sub human, extra-hueman, extra-terestrial and intra-species functions as well. And all at the same time. Althuogh, for some, i do hesitate to call them 'functions' becuase they realy are nothin more than disgussting "bodily events" which apear to serve no purpose OR function othor than, for the bennefit of those in the surruonding area, to piss off those who know him and gross out those who dont).

Since my childhood my family calls this wilfull display of crocodial tears 'Granfather's Lying-Cryin.' The man is NOT what you call a roll model for a young developping prepubescent mind.

About a month ago both families were on conference call to talk about the bogus wedding engatgment. My folks thought he was too old to get married again. Granfather and the old biddy were crying--FAKE crying of cuorse about how the whole family hates them. (Uh, this is true, but beside the point).

The old hag can also fake cry like nothin youve ever seen. But Granfather was the best. An image burned in my head was him sittin there at our kitchon table blubberin and crying while holding a Playboy magozine in his left hand at arms lenthgh, squinting his eyes down to lascivviously leer at it, (he is farsighted) while switching it from uppsidedown to rightside up, weeping, (fake weeping) at the top of his lungs with a ciggarret clethced in his teeth trying to focus in on the nakad lady in the picture.

And theres my dumb dad on the othor end of the phone, sayin ITS ALRIGHT, GRAMPY, (even his own son calls him 'Granpy'), while in his right hand, Granfather is pecking away at his Newton, which he holds up so I can see it, which he just wrote on it, in the largest possibble type face as to fill up the whole sqaure area of the screen:

YOU TELL YOUR PAW
I'M "LYIN'-CRYIN"
AN' I'LL SKIN YOU
ALIVE WITH ONE O'
THEM CHEAP-ASSED
PLASTIC GRAPFRUIT
CUTTER WANDS DO U
HEAR ME GOOD, BOY

The TV was on too plus he was flippin back and forth between CineMAX and CNN, muttoring undor his breath, "WHENS THE NEXT NEKKID SCENE COMMIN UP?" when one station was on, and then "GOLDANG JANE FONDER CHICKEN-NOODLE-NETWORK" when he flipped to the othor.

Multitasking bastord. ('Chickon Noodle Network' is his name for CNN).

What my folks desided

Like parents always say, mine said WE'LL SEE, GRANPY. So they planned for the old hag to come to California to formally meet with my folks and my brother. Also, her parents live in Califonria and they were goingto meet the old bastord. (Luckey them). The bride (of Frankinstein) is 58 and her folks are like 80 but in good shape. Suposedly they are loaded.

But like i said its a scam. They dont want to get marreid as to be reduced on their Sociel Security bennefits. And im never entirely sure if SHE isnt scamming granfather to make it LOOK like she doesnt wanto get married when she really does. Who the hell knows. But i dont trust the bich.

The creepy older sister helps out

I wrote about Granfather's girlfreind's creepy older sister, who lives up by Dallas. She is the one who bruoght Granfather up on those charges of animal abuse for feeding our dogs only vegetables. It seems I am not the olny one who calls her "Colonel Pottor" who you may remember from MASH re-runs. (She is a womon but she has the same voice as Cornol Pottor. Plus she has a grey crewcut. I swear.) The neighborhood children also call her that. And all this time I was feeling guiltey that it was just ME who made this observation. It really is a womon too it is not a man.

Well anyway, the thought of her hideous younger sibling getting married was very pleasing to "The Cornel." (She figures that with a husbend, she will see less of her--the 2 sisters do not get along, and the Colonol cant wait to get the old hag out of her hair--her very, very short hair.)

Oddley i became the bigest beneficiary of the scam. The Cornel hapened to just buy a new car and gave the happy lovebirds her old car for FREE. Thanks to this car, we were able to drive to California. As you know i do all the driving. And part of the deal of takkin care of Granfathor is use of a car for job related stuff.

It is the worlds coolest car

It is a 1975 Impala but looks and drives like it came out of the showroom. It has electric windows and airconditoining which our 70 DodgeDart Swinger does not. We did the papperwork by mail and then I took the bus up there to get the car. My gosh what a long bus ride. On the way up the whole way I sat next to this sweatey guy who smelled like cabbage.

When i got there The Cornel was nice at first and offored me lemonaide but as usual was somewhat stern and then she got quite schoolmarmish with me and lectoured me about how childish she thought my homepage was (she just got a computer). And how being famuous is foolish if your famous for bein a fool. (Hmmmm.) And also how much she hates Granfather and is going to have his ass throwed in jail, (for those animal abuse charges), and when she does, she will be GETTIN THAT CAR BACK, YOU BET.

And also how she KNOWS that Granfather stole those Llardro and Precious Momants statuettes from her house last Christmas. She doesnt know how yet but will prove it. On the hole it was an umpleasant visit.

i get Lectured