Walter Miller Homepage

"IF JIM CARREY DOES IT IN A MOVIE DOWN AT THE MOVIE HOUSE, THEN ITS FUNNY. THEN WHY IS IT DISGUSTING IF I DO IT ON THE INTERNET?"
--Granfather, discussing 'the Jim Carry talking Butt' ruotine in a letter to the editor of our locol paper. The letter was never publisched.

Mid-July 97 Update

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I was also lectuored on not eating meat becuase only savvages do and she gave me some brochoures all about it and also Madcow disease. I said, YOU CANT FOURCE YOUR VEIWS ON OTHERS and she said THE HELL I CAN IF YOU WANT THE DANM CAR.

Plus she was critticol of my goatee. OK it is not growing in good and is rathor wispey but she did NOT have to say that i looked like an 'annorectic Robort Bork'. I did not retalliate by likening HER to a certain male cellebrity SHE resenbles.

She asked me to stay for supper and i felt bad for her becuase shes probly lonley and bitter. Also i did a virus check on her conputer and cleaned her .TMP files and also reinstaled Netscape for her cause i felt sorrey for her. Then i drove home and a few days later we began our trip. Why cant i ever meet any normol people?

Trouble on the first day out

There was a horroble scene while we were packing. Granfather was scraeaming like a maniac cause his new traveling hat was missing. He just buoght himself a yellow fedora and it was GONE.

"WHERE'S MUH NEW TRENDEY HOWORD RHINEGOLD HAT?" he screamed unbelivably loud with the whole wheelchair shaking violantly. His ugly nasty face was quivvoring and jerking rapidly. It was a Level 8 (out of 10) tempor tantrum he was having, and i marked it as such on the chart the doctors gave me. Immagine if you took an electric egg beator and turned it upside down and then loosely fitted over the spinning metol paddle blades a rubbor Holloween mask. The way it woud be all jumping and twitchin around: Thats how he acts.

Me and the girlfreind had to both stop what we were doing and LOOK for it and endure barks and yaps that we stole it.

Meanwhile when we fuond it, it was on the floor of HIS ROOM.

Plus he does NOT look like Howord Rhingold in the hat. Instead he looks like Curius George, the little chimpanzee of childron's book fame when he mischevviously steals the hat from his freindly but unnamed keeper, who is afectionatly described in the book as the "Man With The Yelloew Hat." Except picture Curious Goerge not so curuious anymore, but grown into an elderly mean rabid primate thrashing and snarling around strapped to a steel table with the sympathetic keeper alowwing him to wear the hat in his last moments as the vet prepares the Big Needle and saying things like, "THIS DANM MONKEY'S SEEN BETTOR DAYS," and also "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, RENTING 'CONGO' AND LETTIN THE OLD BASTORD APE WATCH?"

A giant fight

Then there was a terible problem with Granfather wanting to SMOKE in the car. The car technicaly belongs to the old biddy, (Granfather's girlfreind). The day before we left for the trip the 2 old scammers got in a big fight becuase the one thing she insisted on is NO SMOKKIN in the car.

Granfather hollered at her till she cried, (not fake but REAL crying) and then they came up with a compromise. He has a Dallas cowboy helmet and also this plastic sheet stuff that he boght at the Home Depot a few months back where you tape it to your house windows and then use the handheld hair dryor on it to shrink it into place to keep the cold out. Well Granfather put the helmet on his head, covorred the entire helmet with this clear plastic wrappin it all aruond, and then placed his hideous face near the exaust pipe so it woud shrink tight.

Do you know the hole they have at the top of football helmits. He stuck the plastic tube from the busted liposuction machine that he fished out of the hospital dumpster (from his recent stay) out of that hole and atached a rubbor tube up top which he was going to stick out the car window. I took one look at him waddling and shuffling stiffley around with his alunimum walker with that contraption on his head and saidto him:

"ABSOLUTLEY NOT OLD MAN"

I was NOT goin to be seen in public with somthing that looked like a friggin storyboard rejection from a danm Far Side Cartoon. The old hag and me teamed up on him. Granfather backed down. He figoured, instead, that hed use Nicotine patches out of necesitty to get his smokeless fix in the Classic Chevorlet. Yes, hes been experimenting with using multiple nicotine pacthes, agianst the wishes of both the doctor and the manufactorer.

Althogh he conceeded on smoking in the car, he did mutter at us both later that night as we packed, "ILL GIT YOU BOTH BACK FER THIS HOUMILIATION."

The girlfreind said to him, "The Colonel is gonna fix your skinny ass GOOD, Granpy," in alluding to their upcomming court battle. Granfather narrowed his canary-colored eyes at her and growled "I'M THE ONE WHICH WILL FIX THE CORNEL. AN' DONT YOU FERGIT IT." In the meantime we exploared othor options for the old troll to have his beloved tobaco. In weak moments I have seen Granfather eat cigaretts and even cigars. And you dont want to know what ends up inthe toilet after THAT.

Him and those danm nicotene patches

He does NOT use them as directed. Two weeks ago the old sonoffabich mutant woke me up at 2 am while thumping the Reador's Digest Medicol Guide on my chest to ask: "I KEEP FERGITTIN' BOY. IS THE SLIMEY AREA 'TWEEN MUH TOES CONSIDERED A 'MUCAL MEMBRAINE' AS THEY SAY??? 'CAUSE IF'N IT IS, I KIN FOLD THESE HERE NICKOTINE PATCHES IN THERE LIKE A FOLDED TACO SHAPE AN' GIT SOME O'THET THERE VASCULAR ACTION GOING ON."

Ive said it before, and Clinicol Primatologists on 3 continents agree: His heritage and species aside, the man is a living singulor animol behaviourol anomoly. The man is a freak.

The car permonently smells now anyway

And so does now my brothers house. You can stop a man from smoking, but you cant stop him from farting like a Rhino with degenorrative colon problems.

Speakin of problems

At the first gas-up on our westbound trip we stop in a small town and granfather anounces hes going to use the restroom but he disappears for about 15 minuts. Then i hear screams from inside the repair bay. Granfather is inside a car on the lift and the mechannic is yellin at him. They lower the lift and I see the old bastord inside some persons car with his face mashed agianst the windsheild and you know how discoustiing he is becuase there was this greazy spot on there on the glass you know will never come out.

It took 2 mechannics and The Jaws of Life clamped to his skinny hips to pull him out by his rancid decomposing crocodillian hide.

More fake tears

Granfather begins cryin and wailing again incohhereantly. Me and the old girlfreind spring to action. We say that he is extreamely mentally ill. We will do anything to avoid jailtime and more delays, especially when a scam is in progress. Yes thanks to granfather i am becomming more of a fraud and liar as each day goes on.

One of the mechanics remarks on the condition of Granfathers scalp because its lookin pretty badly lateley an says that we oughto get it checked cause it looked like he was growin danm Captian Crunch nuggets from the top of the skin on his head. Plus we shoud bathe him too and mabye wash his ass.

I said THANKS YES we know. And then I also said DONT TOUCH HIM without the gloves: The man is able to secrete epidermal neourotoxins right from his skin. (This is a well known fact in unexplianed animal research studies, and you cant excpect regulor gas station people to know it)

Once we get back in the car an are rollin down the hihgway again I say to him (very loudley)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABBUOT

Granfather snaked his narrow, tapered caiman-like head into the rearveiw mirror for me to see and then leered with a sniggoring evil grin and stuck his tounge out. I knew ECXACTLY what he'd done. There sitting on his toungue (with a nicotine patch on eithor side of it) was a freshley removed Texas State Auotomobile Winsheild Stickor. He pointed his evil finger ovor my shouldor to the sticker on our own car an said, "CORNOL POTTER'S IS HERE DONE SET TO EXPIRE AN' I'D JEST BOUGHT US NEAR A FREE YEAR FER NOTHIN'."

Him and the old girlfreind cackled with glee. Granfathers salliva is nearly 40% petroluem distillate; (the rest is mostly inert ingrediants--I saw him steal a fancy County Sherrif decal right off a squad car door once by lickin at it.)

We make good time the first day Driving