Walter Miller's Homepage
POST-HOLLOWEEN 1997 SCARY SPECIEL!!!!

Page 2 of 6

It is not entireley ALL my fault.

Some of my readers might of noticed my Netly colunm going up a few hours late. But it is NOT my fault. I am havvin allot of personol problems.

I am what is called a "High Maintonence Enployee"

Noah is very nice and the olny one who can keep me calm. He explianed that they will have "othor duties" for me to do and that if I wanted to contineu to draw my current meagor sallary I will now haveto go into the branch location TWO days a week. Yes, instead of just on Wednsdays, also now on FRIDAYS TOO. Also he wants me to hear it from him and not the peopple here in Texas.

By the way, Noha said those "othor duteis" woud be at THERE discretion, NOT mine.

I am acused of Being Ovorly Drammatic

I tried to explaine these isseus like my emotionol problems and also I may even have a natorol chemical inbalance--but whatevor it is it is NOT my fault. Plus the pressure i am undor living with the old Bastord. Yes each day it is annother disgousting reppulsive episoade.

I held up the telephone so they coud hear exactley what i deal with each day. Right at that moment Granfather was knelt backword with his knees on the wheelchair seat, his ass in the air as he leaned down, his long apelike arms reachhing down to the wheels and rollin himself arround purposeley bouncing while makking these enourmos foghorn farts saying: "I GOTS ME A DATE TODAY SO I'D BETTER SHAKE ALL THESE HERE FUMES OUT MUH BOOTY 'FORE THE SKIRT ARRIVES."

He does not care i am on conferrence call with 2 othor people

The people i was on the phone with did not apreciate it, but, letme tell you, they appreciaited it even LESS than I did. We had some Normon Rockwell Collector Plates on our china shelf, and the smell of Granfathers 'shake out' was so bad that the joyfuly pastoral faces of the bucolic early 20th Centurey New Englandors depicted in baked enamel began to unbake, smear and run. We were left with hiddeous drippy evil faces that instead of bein Norman Rockwel dishes they coud of ben done by frikkin Dali, Goya or Hyrronomous Bosh.

Plus Noha told me he had a snowglobe papperweight that the water turned brown and the plastic cracked on it allthe way over the telephone lines to the top of his desk in Newyork city.

Aftor i got off the phone I went ovor to Granfather to confront him about enbarassing me infront of the people i work with and by now he was seated proparly in the wheelchair infront of the TV queitly mesmorized by ABC News Coresspondent Cokey Roberts. He screamed at me for walkin infront of the TV and slapped me with a pile of junk mail. As I ambled out of the room I saw heard the letcherrous monstor softley muse to himself in a just barely auddible voice, "MMMM! THET ONE THAR COUD TICKLE MY ELMO ANYTIME SHE DURN FANCIES."

An afwul day where everyone got on my nerves.

The next day was Wendsday Octobor 29th so I got up real earley to go to work. Its like a 4 hour drive. Granfather was in a pissed mood all the night before becuase his prospective cyber-consort never showed up.

"TOO BAD, CAUSE SHE'S A GOOD LOVER," he complained. I said to him, "Granfather, it was in a danm chatroom for cryin out loud. Everyone's a good lovor in chat. Even peopple on Conpuserve."

Howwever she did call in the middol of the night to say that she was detained aftor a minor trafic altercation on the I-10. Acording to the long ramboling phone messege she left, suposedly this feisty old squaw told a patrolman who pulled her ovor for tossing beer cans out the window:

"Sure, I'll step out the veh-HICK-le officer, but only so's you kin bend down an' KISS ME where angels fear to tread." This remmark earned her an extra $100 fine and a night in the ladies' county pokey. Granfather gleefully declaired with a learing grin that sureley this was HIS kind of woman. While i was gettin dressed, he kept re-playing her messege over and over. I must say there was somthin ghastley about her voice. It went thru my head like a hammor drill.

An early morning tirade

I know old folks like to get up earley in the morning, but Granfathor always wakes at 4 AM sharp. And it is NOT so he can do aneything worthwhile. It is so he can watch TV. For 24 houres a day Granfather has 2 VCRs going. His earleist hours are dedocated to watchin tapes of news programs.

"GIT IN HERE BOY, GIT IN HERE!" he starts hollerin while im in the showor. I come out with the towel wrapt arround me thinkin its an emmercency. But insteadd he was just watchin a tape of Face The Nation from earlior in the month where Robort Bennet on was talkin abbout the Paula Jones case.

"HOW DARE THEM FOLKS IN THIS TOWN COMPLAIN ABOUT DEPICTIONS OF MY SKINNY ASS ON THE WEB," he screammed, pointing to the TV.

"MEANWHILE, HERE'S THE DANM PRESIDENT'S LAWYOR DESCRIBIN' IN DETAIL THE EXECUTIVE GENITALIA ON NATIONOL TELEVISION!"

"AN WHILE I'M EATIN BREKFEST YET!" he sputtored, spittin and spreying softboiled egg allover the place and poking me in the side with a gummy teaspoon. Then Granps started on a tirrade because last time i went out I forgot to buy him his smokes. On days i haveto go into the office I try to get on the road by 6:00 but the old bastord blocked my way to the door and started hollerin and screamin at me to make sure i DONT FORGET HIS DANM SMOKES at this speciel store near where I work.

i repplied (perhapps a bit too rudeley), "I WONT forget Granfather, now let me go." The red pupils in his yelloew eyes got all big and he thundored at me for daring to use such a "disrespectfull" tone with him.

Yeah, right

I have 'respect' for him allright. This is a man who can ignite a Duroflame Fireplace Log from 10 feet away thruogh a hardwear store window.

The 'Tracks' of my tears

STAND THERE BOY, YOUR GITTIN' A WHUPPIN' the old beast gruffed at me. And he pulled from the closet an old segmant of orange plastic Hot Wheels track. Yes it is an Americon traddition to get hit by a parent with a Hotwheel track. My mothor used to beat the crap out of me and my brothor with it when i was a kid. It dosent realy hurt. I alowwed granfather to wheel up to me and wail away for 4 or 5 minuts just to calm him down. He is mentolly ill. Then I left.

While i slowed down at the blinker light anothor car flashed me his lights. I rolled my windoew down. It was the County Clerk. This is the man who in my last update when Granpy was strapped to the flatbed truck on the way to the autobody shop, the old bastord creamed a huge lungey onto his neck. That was weeks ago, and just as the Countey Clerk's angor and sence of outrage was startin to wane, Granfather starts up with this forged petition drive. He began to sternley lectoure me abuot how much he hated Granfather.

Well, the man IS sort of an anoying pest. I had neithor the time or patients for him and said just as i drove off, "You know what sir all i can say is your luckey it was his head facing you and not his ass."

Work sucked

There is a guy who works there who i dont get along with. He is a wise ass programmor. He is an indeppendent self-Enployed consultent, and EVERYONE has to kiss his feet becuase he is Soo-o-o-o-o overworked!! Pooor baby!!!! Plus he is a programmor and as you know they are a highor form of life than you and me. Meanwhile ive seen him work and all he does is play arround on the web downloading game patches and workin on his own danm projjects for OTHOR clients. Then, he gets up from his chair to push past you with a pissed look on his face declairing out loud how BUSY he is and so little danm sleep he gets.

Prima-Donna Bastord. You know the type.

I fix HIS ass

I am not alowed to have my resume on the lan and annother time i got in truoble for running the You-Dont-Know-Jack-Game off the network, but on this day i get on the server and i see all these files that bellong to this POOR BABY Prima Dona from some friggin online forum he moderates that is NOT work rellated.

Well, so, I needed room, and so, i went out to a DOS prompt and errased some files. Not ALL the files but just for the lan space i needed.

YES, I immagine i coud of used another server that wasnt maxed out--but i just wasnt in the mood to.

An hour later the big so-called "overworked" baby came by and confrontad me.

"Mabye i DID errase those files" I said. "But mabey i DIDNT."

I get ratted on

Then the person who supporvises me came in and yelled at me. Then I was made to sit in the conferrence room ALONE. I saw thru the glass him call up Noah on the phone and tell him what i did. And all day i was AWAY from my workstattion and instead atended to those "other duties" they alluded to earlior which consisted of haulin boxes of demo disks into the conforence room and gettin cotton balls with nail polish removor and peeling and scraiping the old labels off and putting new labels on from a giant roll, because the factory made a mistake.

I started cryin but no one saw me.

In the lunchroom

I sat aloane in the lunchroom cause no one wanted to eat with me. The mean programmor bully sat with his mutant friends.

They were all talkin about me behind my back, but pourposly just barely loud enuogh so i woud hear, and in a way that they wanted me to THINK they were secretly talkin about me behind my back, but so that i woud feel the guilt of eavvesdropping. I am sure you are familior with this trick--It was all intentionol. (Parranoid? Me? I think NOT).

And what they were talking about was mean: OK, I admit, it. So what--I do not know allot about women, but they do not have to make rawcous fun of me about it. It is because a week ago in a meeting someone mentionned "Monistat 7" and everyone luaghed at me because i thuought it was a new micro processor.

Then at 7PM i went home. I stopped at that place where Granfather told me to get his cigars but they were closing up and the guy who runs it was very mean to me. He said "I have to go and i dont have time for one more danm $5 sale" or somthing like that. I said, "You dont HAVE to be mean." And then he said "I dont have to serve you anyway."

This man is a jerk aneyway. He has all of these stuppid, suposedly threatnoning "ME AND MISTER SMITH AND MISTER WESSEN" and "Shopliftors Will Be Shot" signs allover his cheap-ass store. This is Texas for Godsake. Everyone knows everyone else is danm armed and you dont need to advortise it.

I get home verry late as usual