Walter Miller's Homepage
POST-HOLLAWEEN 1997 SCARY SPECIEL!!!!

Page 6 of 6

Oh, yez Oh yez...I wasnt finnished YET!

The other one, the Creep, the mastormind of the cruell e-mail, he was outside in the dumpster. Woud you believe, fishing for more diskettes for me to work on.

He was easy to knock out. I got him with the dumppster lid (one whack did it) as he climbed out wearin his "I (heart) OS/2" basball cap and with a few old 486 mothorboards clutched to his chest. Can you IMMAGINE, wallowing in a dumpstor at night risking brokkon glass and rat bites to get a couple of danm 486 motherbords? Cheap Creep geek bully.

Abrupptly and without warning, the minature demon Granfather apeared agian. Over his devil suit he wore a tiny tweed jacked with elboew patches. He said in a perfect Andy Roony voice, "JEVER NOTICE HOW STUPID PEOPLE ACT WHEN YOU KNOCK THEM COLD? AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT 'COLD'? DOES IT REALLY FEEL COLD?" Then just as sudenly the demon disapeared. Anoying bastord.

I must say i felt the same inittial twinge of guilt when i clocked this second fellow but soon got over it, as i did for the first victim.

Yes, I felt bad abbout but not THAT bad

because both these wireheads deservved it. And Besides. After all: If i didnt bring Fresh Meat home to Granfather, well, he woud start on MY blood. So it was eithor them or me. Mabye this wasnt so bad a concept, the whole thing. Mabye, once i got home, I'd slap up some overheads in Powerpoint, and then next week scheduole a conference room for a presentattion to managment on my new innovative way to reduce headcount withuot expennsive sevorence packoges. What the hell.

Besides, no one was talkin about killin these poor guys. We coud tie them up in the shed and Granfather coud just take the blood as he needed it. (It was sort of the way these consultents treated the companies they worked for, so What The Hell agian...It was Hollaween!).

I stopped off to get Granpy's cigars and thuoght abbout whacking that mean store owner, (I had room for one more squirming body in the trunk), but remmembered he was armed and dangerrous.

"Cool haloween costume," he said to me on the way out. I coght a glimps of myself in the securrity mirror. My new Bugol Boy clothes were covorred with blood. I also saw the tiny devillish Granfather on my shoulder, once more dancing and this time dressed in an apron and ovon mitts. "SAVE THE LIVER!" it trilled in a bloodcourdlingly high-pitched, authenntic Julia Child warble. "IF YOU CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! THE BODY, BE SURE TO SA-A-A-VE THE LIVER!"

Then instantley, he warped and morphed into a puny Jerry Sienfeld. "WHY DO THEY CALL IT THE LIVER, it began in one of those lame monologs. "IF YOU DIE, IS IT CALLED THE "DIE-ER?" AND WHATS THE DEAL WITH THE KIDNEY? ITS NOT IN YOUR KNEE, AND NOT JUST KIDS HAVE THEM..."

I know why Granfather was doing this.

It was beccause last summor he watched the danm Aladdin video a hundret times with my little nephew and memmorized every charocter and even made up his own. He thinks he's the Genie.

The 2 movies i wish Granfather had nevor saw:

One is Disnay's cartoon Alladdin. The othor is Eddie Murphy's The Nutty Proffessor. (Actualy, i woud of just been happy if he never saw the supper table scene in The Nutty Proffesor.)

Yes, Granfathor always loves to annoy the hell out of me. He started changing into diferrent charactors for the whole ride back home. "ITS HOLOWEEEN, BOY" he snarrled at me, breifly revverting to his true familior husky barking croak. "LEMME SHAPE SHIFT ARROUND, ITS FUN"!

The last Straw

It was quiet for the next coupple of hours as i drove. The only sound you coud hear was some faint wailing and genttle thumps of the two victoms in the trunk, now bound tightley with server and lan cables. (If somone was right now trying a remote network login, it was safe to say that they were NOT gettin in.)

But right when i was changeing lanes on the danm Interstate, sudenly the tiny action-figoure sized Granfather next to my ear errupted once aggain, and morphed and wobbled. It leapt onto my face, grasping my eyelidds in the form of a scale model stringy haired ugly as sin Howord Stern, deadpanning in a flat Queens accent: "HEY ROBIN. KNOW WHY WITCHES CAN'T GET PREGNANT? TOO MANY 'HOLLOW WEENIES"'

I snatched it off my nose, grabbed it arround the waist and squeezed. I threatonned to make him ride in the glove comparment if he didnt stop bothoring my ass.

Finaly, the little parasittic mini-Vamp-Gramp was gone. As i arrived back at the trailer, a light rain fell. I reallized I woud now have to deal with the fullsized monster. And FEED it too...

WHAR'S MUH SUPPER?"

I heard Granfather screamin when i came in the door but i coudnt see him. But what a grisly site there was! The TV channols kept changing--Granfather's sevored hand was on the cofee table twitchin, floppin, and holdin the remote! One foot hopped spasticly on the floor. I finaly found his head (Yuck) in the bathroom sink.

It spied up to me as he said, (almost cheerfuly), "THET OLE COUNTY CLERK COME BY AN' PUT UP MORE OF A TUSSLE THEN I'D GIVE HIM CREDIT FER."

"HE WENT IN THE TOOL SHED, GOT MUH 'SAWS-ALL', PLUGGED HER IN, THEN DONE WENT POSTAL ON ME."

Granfather told me that the Countey clerk chopped him in a dozen odd peices but he was able to knock him off and also kill him dead with just his randomly sevvered teeth, one foot, a knee joint, and one musculor ass cheek that flopped arround loose on the floor nearby. "REMEMBER THE SCENE IN 'LOST WORLD' WHEN THE GANG O'TINY DINOSAURS JUMPED THE BIG FELLER? IT SORT'O WENT DOWN LIKE THAT."

Granfather aparantly retrievved enuogh blood from the poor underpaid public servont to last him till supper.

"ID SAY THE MAN WAS LIKE CHARLEY THE TUNA," said Granps, "HE MIGHT O'HAD GOOD TASTE, BUT HE SURE AS HELL DIDNT TASTE GOOD."

Granfather's expression dropped as he soberly explained to me that his "unmentionables" had somehow flew out the window durin the scuffol.

"PLEASE, BOY," he begged me, "GO OUT IN THE YARD AN' MAKE SURE THEM DOGS DONT GIT NIBBLIN' AT 'EM."

Then the old sevored-headed geezor started sniffin the air. He noticed the scent of blood on my shirt.

"I SMELLS OS/2 GEEK BLOOD!" he wailed. "YOU GOT YER MAC BLOOD. YOU GOT YER PC BLOOD--THEM TWO GENORALY CONSIDERED IS THE 'COKE AND PEPSI' O'THE VAMP'AAR WORLD..."

"....THIS HERE OS/2 BLOOD IS YER ROYOL CROWN BRAND, AN' I AIN'T NEVOR TRIED IT."

We got in a big fight abbout it, (Granfather insists on fightin with me on everything), but it looked like i was goingto win the fight. Why?

(Sound effect of a michevvviously evil laugh):

Bwah-Hah-Hah-Hah-HAHHHH!

Because Granfather was all in peices! Thats right! i ran arround the house colectin them all and puttin them in all varrious sized Tupporware and Rubbermaid containers that we had, then locked them away in granfather's room--12 sepperate pieces in all!

How it all ended: An Eppilog

Nobody missed the doctor, (he was kindof a mean doctor, and anyone forced by the HMO to take care of Granfathor coundt of been that good a doctor anyway). But we did colect the $1000 savvings bond, which did indeed arive certified mail. (I buoght myself a new scannor and lazer printer, plus a RAM upgrade).

The county clerk: He's now locked in a cage in my room. Its pretty cool. My own personol public servont. An "inteligent agent" if you will. This is what politics shoud be. As the old bastord bit him, he too is now vampire, but he only gets fed beet juice. Since he always campainged dirty, most peopple hearabbouts woud of said he probly deservs just that anyway.

The two mean Co-workor geeks: They were releassed with a warning. They are not alloud to pick on me anymore. Plus they have to help me with my programming and not be harsh with me when i make coding misteaks or ask stuppid HTML qeustions. No cold pizza for a while eithor--they are both on a high iron repplenishing diet.

And Granfather in 12 peices? Oooh! I'm sure happy with that...(Uh, make that 11 pieces....Danm dogs...)

All is well, and calm settols over our once haunted property...

Until at the midnight hour! Is that the chiming of bells or is it the popping of plasttic containors?....

...It is!!! And what marches, wheels, slithors and tromps into my room thruogh the door, the window, the closet, the ceiling trap, the floor grate, and crashing through the wall....GRANFATHERS!! Each peice, like a sevored arm of a starfish regenorrates into its own fullsized non-vampire, living breathing farting crapping smoking belching badly smelling GRANFATHER!!!

AAAAIIIGHHH!!!!!

* * *

THE END

...or is it???

i hope you liked my Halloween speciel. Sorry it was so gross and bloodey, but this is how Holowween speciels usualy are. You know i am not a viollent person....(or AM I? Bwah-Hah-Hahhhh!!!)

See you next time, (i prommise) for good clean toilet humor fun.

ALSO COMING UP IN EARLY NOVEMBOR:
A NEW WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE!!!!

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