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Reliably unrelliable.

Early March 1999 Update

Page 2 of 5


The report began with a recap of prior studies. First, theyve alreaddy established in pryor Teratological Reports that Granfather (or 'Pateint X'), is less human than non humen: Yes, complete with long strings of DNA, identicol portions of which are found in insects, monkeys, croccodiles, giant sulfur-eating undersea tube worms, as well as the Glyptodont, (which is an exstinked dinosaur-like creature with lumpy bone plates, leathery boil-covored hide and jagged disgousting teeth.)

The report also confirmed that Granfather can breathe in any type of toxic atmospheare, and woud probly thrive in one of those thousand degree Farrenheit deep ocean volcannic vents. There is no carboniferrous compounds at all in his breath, (thuogh his skin and ass reek pure methaine). His urine is radioactive and contains heavy mercurric metals and toxic levols of Neptunium while his crap is loaded with Americum and Strontium 90.

"If he ever deciddes to take a crap near a waste dump site," Madison said sternly, "We'll have a damn 'China Sindrome' on our hands.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said, tryin not to be rude; (I've heard all this stuff beffore about Granfather, and living with him and changin his danm diapors, i did NOT need to be told.)

But Madisen went on to say somthing new: that Granfather, (as it turns out), is not an "elderly" persen at all but in fact his grisly horiffic species is only aproaching adolescence.

"Tis a beast from hell!," Blankenship sudenly exploadded, to no one in particulor, "Tis the divil! Or the divil's son-in-law!"

Same old, Same old.

Along with this latest study was the othor unexplainned things, first discoverred in previous studies, and written about in other updates -- The same old crap my family has known abbout for years. The fact that his brain is the size of a kumquat yet how he has an I.Q. of 193. How he is able to smoke dispite the presence of a mammalian circullatory system. How his reasonning ability is less than that of a small primate, like a lemur, lead-poisoned spider monkey or extremly in-bred pygmy marmoset, but still how the old basterd can allwayes instantly make in a split second the most cruel, most repercussively damaging, and most maximally enbarasing decisions to humiliate and harm his family time and time agian.

Goverment Teratollogicol Phenomena Report

The Teratology Report is somthing that was originnated back during the Cold War in the Eisenhouer Administration. The reasen why was that our country was affraid that the Soviets were develloping a Human-Alein Hybrid, and our goverment descided to keep track of "candidates" for our own hybrid program; (And you thoght the X-Files writers thoght that one up).

Along with the old basterd himself, there were severol dozen othor 'candiddate' subjects involved, all of them Granfather-like creatures. Granfather was the only one who was naturaly this disgousting, and not the result of horiffic experiments or genettic tampering.

Also, the old basterd is the only one still alive. (Reports from the early '60s that a numbor of missing candidates were killed and eaten by one particulorly savage-tempered creatture one stormy night in an Area 51 aircraft hangor are unsubbstantiated).

It is interresting how things change

Yes, 40 years lator the Soviat threat is gone. With all the cuts in militery spending, The Human Alein hybrid project still survives, but now maintains its funding from the E.P.A. out of the threat of envirromental concerns.

Very depresing.

The lunch ended up very deppresing. Madison started gettin all quavery in the voice too. Since they are doctors I confidded in them about my, um, "retracted' manhood problom. My schwinkie as you know is entireley inside. Looking down from my vantage point I cant see nothin at all. (Ill bet what I see when i look down these past few weeks is what girls see on themselfs all the time).

"Aye," said Blankenship severeley, "If'n the divil was MY kin, I canna see how I too canna git it up."

I said to him, Mister Blankenship, you are right i cant see it but its not a mattor of me gettin it up its gettin it OUT.

Ripke, now speakking his first full sentence in weeks gazed out toword me and said, "Maybe nature doesnt want you to repproduce!"

When we looked up our waitress was standin there at our table next to the cook who was wearrin this white appron across his big belly and had this extremly pissed look on his face.

"Didn't I tell ya whut weirdos they are?" she said. The cook said, "I WANT YALL THE HELL OUT MY RESTARONT."

By the time I left Madison too was weeping and I never saw him weep before. When I got back to my cubicol at work, there was a folowup email from my Secret Admiror. As I wrote about beffore there is a woman at my job who is my Secret Admirrer. (Um, you alredy know that already. Sorry. I am bragging.)

As you know she had wrote in a prior note that a man who has an earring is very sexy and so she sugested that I get my ear peirced. In this latest note, she was REALY layin it on thick, about how she thinks I am a hunk and canot wait to go out with me in public--a cool guy like me who had an EARING.

At first I chickoned out about gettin my ear pieced, and even got as far as going to the Mall to get it done, but now the more I thoght about it the better I felt abbout it. Besides I am so desperate to have a girlfreind. (There. I said it).

I get in troubel

As i am readin my email i notice that the office is emptey. There was no one around at all. I figured everyone was in a meeting. Then I see my last e-mail:

It was for some "Emergency meeting" that will be held from 2 to 3:30. If your last name started with A thru M, you were to go to the West Conference hall. If your last name started from M thru Z, you had to go to the North Confrence Hall.

This stupid ass Danm company

This allways hapens to me. My last name starts with M and so I went to the one closest to me, which was the North one. But i know that somhow I was going to get into truoble about this.

The meeting was about a new, emergency Re-Org. Nobody woud be layed off in this new ReOrg, but there woud be a whole lot of shuffoling around of departments and staff.

Oh, crap.

The person presenting up at the poddium is that creepy guy who is my boss, (my new boss, so new I dont even know his name), but he is the extremly tall skinny man Ive mentionned before who allways dresses only all in black and looks exactly like the little pointy chinned guy with glasses in the "...For Dummies" book series. Exept he is evil. He sees me enter and gets this evil frown on his face. He taks a sip of his water.

Then he nods to this ugly, high-assed womon sitting sprawled unconfortobly in a folding chair near the entrence. She is the prissy lady from Humen Resuorces. She hops up sees me and marches over toword me wagging her fingor.

She starts whisporing loud to me in a way that defeatts the purpoce of a whispor, because everyone can hear her in half the room. And so she acomplishes her objective of displaying in front of a large group how danm powerfull she can be.

"You don't belong here!" she hisses. I try to explian that my last name starts with "M" and she tells me that I have to go to the othor room where your last name starts with M. I did not know this, and so i am in truoble.

Anyway, beffore I left the room I got a glance at the new Organizattional Chart being displayed up on the wall.

Oh, great