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The Summer 2001 Update

Page 9 of 50


The next day I headed off to work with a heavey heart as usual.

How soon we forget the trajic "dot bomb" who I work for. Cyberblop is an awfull place as you know and morale is very low. We have suffored along with many othor online industry disastors, exept the worst part about OUR company is that it still has not yet been put out of its misery.

Yes, there's no profits but theres still venture capitol money in the bank. And so we contineu, twisting in the wind to every weak breeze and trendy current that blows our way.

We not only have the danm funding, but allot of people with the authorrity to spend it.

Cyberblop has 78 vice Presidents and twenty non Vice Presidents, and it is these 20 that actualy do most of the work.

One of the things they love to piss money away on is morale programs. Like many rot-coms they have expensive cappachino machines and air hocky tables and a free fruit juice bar.

Take your Dog to work

You are also aloud to take your dog to work and this is because the president of the company once read about a few othor companies that allow this, as a morale builder.

It is a stupid company with a fragile corporrote culture that is easily blown by the winds of industry hype and every week (at least) during an all-hands staff meeting in the company audotorium we are all sternly lectured by a panel of angry frowning executtives to never forget how lucky we are to work here in the Exciting Cutting Egde Times of the New Mellenium under all these free-and-easy, casual-dress and culturaly-sensitive corporate guidelines, one of which allows someone's dog to roam free who once when I was out to lunch took a giant crap in my cubical, half on the carpet and half on the powerstrip with a couple of extra satellite peices allover the danm floor.

On this day, a sunny Tuesday we are all assemboled in the audotorium once more, for what we thought was yet anothor one of these Rah!-Rah!-Rah!-it-is-so-great-to-work-for-Cyberblop meetings.

Circular playground slides

Only about half the company was there, because it is an industry standord that when you hire a Vice President, (even one with four years of college and one at Starbucks like allot of our VPs) you have to start them off with 5 weeks vacation.

In this meeting Mr. Bouvard, President of the Company showed a few ovorhead projections of the costs involved with putting in his latest project, circulor playground slides between floors. He had seen in a magazine a picture of anothor dotcom in California that has these and decidded we needed them as well.

"Only wussies use the stairs," said Mr. Bouvard gruffley, "We are more cutting edge than that." Meanwhile I havent had a raise in 2 years.

Stu was sittin next to me. We usualy sat in the back row of the audotorium and put our knees up on the seat ahead of us. Stu whispored to me, "Walter--we're all set, for after this meeting."

I said to him, "What the hell are you talkin about?" and he said, "Listen up, you'll see." The meeting takes a deppressing and unexpected turnUsualy these meetings are boring as hell. In this one Mr. Bouvard explained that he was appointing a task force -- a task force for Godsake, to come up with more things to boost morale.

"Morale WILL improve arround here," Bouvard thundered, his baggy pale jowls jiggling authoritatively.

Mr. Bouvard is puffy and paunchy, with a giant pyromid-shaped head and a face like a neckless milk-poached monkfish. He is one of these guys who can get up to a podium and blathor on for an hour about customer relation e-commerce sollutions while the whole time evereyone in the audeince, including himself, are all full aware he is completely full of crap. Yet, under the mesmorizing spell of his walrusy authority, no one (including himself), dares contradict or interupt the pontifficol pompous tirade.

One day I will be like him. In my dreams.

"I am not paying good money to cheer up a bunch of spoiled sad sacks," he glowored, staring unblinking in a wide broad frown. "Morale will go up, and if it does not--Harumph! -- Cyberblop will incur layoffs ovor the next few weeks.

I make a fool of myself

All of a suddon I screamed out like a woman. Yes, I know it is imatture. I wish I could say the noise I made was at least as manly as a mature womon's scream but it was not, and was indtead more actualy like a high-piched girlish shriek. But I didnt scream because of what Mr. Bouvard just said, it was because a big furry spider was on my neck that I both felt and saw out of the cornor of my eye. Anyway the whole company heard me it was very houmilliating. Bouvard's tiny beady black pupils like rabbit turds set on a big white dish focused on me as he thundored loudly, "Oh for Godsake, take it like a man!"

I whispored to Stu that there was a spidor on me and helpfully he poked his little hoof around at my neck but coud not find any spider. But I sware one was there.

So many "morale" meetings you canot get your work done.