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HTM - Hell

The Summer 2001 Update

Page 10 of 50


The meeting ends on a high note

They introduced four new Vicepresidents who were just hired to help Cyberblop pull itself out of its current sitiuation, that of a discouraging mix of general malaise, low morale and no profits.

Vice Presidents up the ass

If the freakin United states has only one Vicepresident how come a failed dotcom of a hundred people gets to have 82? The never- ending Cavolcade of New Vice Presidents was an expected reallity here at Cyberblop, a de facto Cronyocracy of re-treads and hangers-on from the past lives of upper mannagement. Each of the new guys got up and breifly spoke, rattoling off the list of failed web ventures theyve been involved with and about how eager and happy and totally stoked they were to get Cyberblop on fire.

Saying "on fire" around here is a bad joke

A big groan went up from the audeince. This is because our office has been plaigued recently by a whole lot of fire drills. Not real fires but PAIN IN THE ASS FIREDRILLS

These firedrills are extremely annoying and allways come at the wrong time. In fact, this meeting ended when, just at that very moment, we actualy had a firedrill, and evereyone had to go outside.

Out on the sidewalk

The tri-partate mass of, [1] casual-dressed creatives, [2] suit wearing marketing-slash-managment types, and, [3] Seattle-grunge-looking programmers dressed to suffer in the Texas heat, which alltogether composed the pondorrously overstaffed careening bloated messy soupy humanity of the floundoring dotcom known as Cyberblop spilled out onto the pissy yellow cement colored walkways that crisscrossed the dusty clay lawns in front of our drab brick corporate headquartors.

We are a leador in the Industry: Where we go, others, follow.

Well, sort of. Cyberblop has been sufforing with disaster and malaise long before the great dotcom crash of a year ago.

We are havin allot of problems with fire drills

At the time of the fire drill there were maybe a dozen people allready out on the sidewalk. These were the smokers, who are not aloud to puffin their cigarets in the building. There is a very interresting rivalry developing between smokors and non-smokers. Many of our firedrills are the fault of people SMOKIN IN THEIR OFFICES OR THE RESTROOMS.

Cyberblop is an Officiel "Work-Free Smoke Place"

I know that smokers are addicted, and I simpathize with them, but allot of people here are mad because whenever someone is secretly smoking in their special hiding place, the alarms go off, and the fire department is automattically called, and everyone has to evacuate.

Normaly, the few offendors woud be reprimanded or fired. The only problem is that the main offendors are The Unholy Trinity of Upper Managment: Mr. Bouvard, Mr. Peckushay, and this woman known as The Lady Who Screams At Evereyone. These are the top 3 people in the company. No one ever reprimands these three whenevor one of the smoke alarms goes off. So instead, the non-smokers take it out on the poor smokors who obey the rules by going outside.

Parliament of Wusses

If Cyberblop is a cronyocracy, then the small town where they are located is a Wussyocracy. The town, which is nearly a 100 mile drive from where I live, is on the egde of a larger city's sprawl, and being so small, it is desperate to atract and keep high tech busineses like Cyberblop within their town limits.

Meanwhile, the police and Fire departments KNOW that the only people smoking indoors are the Unholy Trinity of Bouvard, Peckushay, and the Lady Who Screams at Everyone.

Just like Cyberblop management, the cops on this little town also persecute the law-abiding smokors. They also harass the growing numbor of people who hide in thier offices during fire drills. The number is allways growing because we have these danm fire drills twice a week.

Meanwhile the building ownors (who Cyberblop leases from) insists that the cops arrest anyone who hides in there office durin a fire drill because their danm insurance keeps going up.

And because people dont evacuate the building in a timely mannor, to punish us all till we get it right they KEEP HAVIN MORE AND MORE FIREDRILLS.

It is a totallitarian, double-speak hell.

What a pain in the ass. It is politicaly incorect to smoke, but even more so to punish the truly ofending smokers: in this case a small group of ruling slobs who enjoy puffin away to their hearts content, as they in turn, punish other smokers and nonsmokers alike, pitting us togethor as enemies, using the police enforce their will, while all the whole time also concocting new ways to further punish us all for not havin enuogh danm MORALE.

It is just like the friggin Cultural Revolution in Red China exept we also are forced to use Microsoft products.

Smoked Ham

Leave it to Stu to be concilliator and peacemaker. Stu is always the one who wandors over from the mass of scowling non-smokers Across The Divide to the huddled, deffensive and mostly falsely accused smokers. In a show of sollidarity, Stu always greets them warmly and even lights up a cigar with them.

Then he will encourrage them with strange but true facts which include the observattion that smokers are bigger tippers, have a lowor incidence of being arested as mass murderers, include such historicol luminaries like Churchill, FDR, Edgar R. Murrow and Morton Downey Junoir, are more likely to spend discretionnery income on the Internet (which boosts the economy) and are less likely to die of certain behaviorol tragedies like mountain climbing mishaps and Unintentially Acidental Autoerrotic Asphyxiation.

The sucess that is Stu