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The Summer 2001 Update

Page 11 of 50

The sucess that is Stu

Of courrse, Stu does all this only because it benefits Stu. His budgets are allways approved and his workstattion always works, because many of the key people at Cyberblop smoke.

I cross the Divide

Stu sucked on a forty dollor imported Cohaibo, the ash on its tip glowing while he leaned agianst a stumpy cement wall scratching one of his hamhocks against it while carefully avoiding making any rips in the dellicate gabardine fabric of his fancy tailored slacks, looking cool, casual, and, well, you know, very much like a pig smokin an expensive cigar. Sudenly his cellphone rang. Do you know how the celphones nowadays play a tune, well, Stu's plays Old MacDonold Had A Farm. He is not happy about that, but there is no way to change it to anothor tune, and in any case Stu saved $30 on the purchese of the phone because of it.

"Walter, its for you," he called to me. I was very self conscuois about Crosing The Divide over to where The Smokers were, and I got allot of dirty looks from some of the more authorrotative nonsmokers as I walked over.

"It's Dr. Blankenship," Stu whispored as he handed it to me, "Walt, I cant have these animal doctors calling anymore. We finished our trip to Costarica. Grampy's gone, and its over."

It was Dr. Blankenship, one of the criptozoologists calling from our house.

"Sorry to call on Stuart's phone, but 'twas the only number I had for ye."

A ghastley repugnent medicol tragedy

"Yer grandpap is allmost back!" the thick Scots brogue crackoled in my ear.

"He canna' yet speak, and he canna' yet move, but thar be life in his eyes.

"Aye, 'tis the face of evil mind yeh, but it be life."

Blankenship, who can rambol on and on forevor went on to say that the old basterd was improving every hour and might even be able to sit up and take nourishment in a few days. Not weeks, days.

My hands shaking in horror, I handed the phone back to Stu, who clicked the conection off while the Scotch quack still spoke.

"Bummer," said Stu, as he looked away, distracted. Somthin was bothering Stu, but I didnt know what.

Somthing else comes to bother us.

I suddenly felt a loud painfull slap right across my ass and the loud bleating laugh of Cathyann behind me.

"Howdy, y'all. So Walter, you're a smoker, huh? What's the matter? The nonsmokers didn't want you know more? BWAHAHAHA!"

Cathyann as you know is this pain in the ass girl, just a few years older than me who Ive known all my life. She actualy used to be my babysitter when I was a kid, and used to spend summers with Granfather in Texas. Now she works in the Cyberblop cafeteria. She is constantly embarasing and houmilliating me. Especialy when people are around.

I treid to ignore her but she kept talking.

"How was yer trip down thar to Costa Rica? Looks like you lost weight, boy." Then she stuck out her hammy hand and grabbed the small amount of flesh I had on my arms, twisting it hard. I pulled away, sqiurming in discomfort and embarassment. I do not like to be PHISOCALY TOUCHED without warning.

"DAY-umm, you are WHITE. BWAHAHAHA!
"You are one, pale, pasty-ass WHITE bwah," Cathyann bleated in her raw raspy hoarse bark. She took a drag of a cigarete and blowed the smoke in my face. "I'll tell you WHUT, Walter Miller. Only YOU woud come back from two weeks down in the tropics even more WHITER than two-day-old dawg doo. Gonna have to put muh sunglasses on, if you ever whip them legs out. BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA!"

I avertted my eyes away from Cathyann. In fact I did not face her or look at her the whole time. Turning away sudenly I bumped nearly into Tilde, my boss. I didnt even see her standin there. Tilde too is also not a smoker. She just stood there quietley next to me and Stu and Cathyann. Poor pittiful little Tilde Tilde is allways has some sort of emotional problem or another. I treid to ignore her as well, and in fact I was starting to get very unconfortable on the Smoker's Side of the sidewalk. But one can never ignore Tilde. She has this way of latching on to you. It is like she is not my Boss at all, but a pain in the ass lost puppy. She is so danm pittiful. I turn around to walk away, and as I do, I bump right into her.

Glancing down, as she is very short and I am very tall I see down by my waist a small crumpoled face lookin sadly up at me, red and pinched like a pommogranite with half of its little juicy kernols plucked out of it, the the othor half of them smashed and wet and runny.

"Oh dear!" Tilde wailed in her highpitched whine, "I've heard that to improve morale, we are going to use the 'Survivor' business model." Stu replied, "I heard that too. So far its just a rumor."

Tilde looked more upset than evor. "I'll never survive a 'Survivor' format! If they start voting people out of Cyberblop I'm sure to be one of the first!"

She waddoled over to a small clutch of people who looked like they wanted to jump in the bushes to get away from her and whimpored, "Please, smokers, PLEEASE spare me, at voting time!"

They call our group Pariahs

At Cyberblop, nobody likes me, Tilde or Cathyann: exept of course Stu. And as all people (exept Stu) naturaly gravitate away from me, Tilde and Cathyann, the way it ends up, the four of us are always left alone and togethor.

Cathyann muscled in to our little group, and hugged me Tilde and Stu tight in a big sweaty embrace of her giant beefy arms.

"Come here, y'all! Its us four troublemakers together aginn!"

The four of us all got squeezed into her enormous flabby mushy torso. Cathyann is enormously strong. Also she always wears a scanty tube top and hot pants. Somhow my face got buried in her big sweatty freckly tits which covored my nose and mouth for about twenty or thirtey long seconds where I coud not breathe.

"Look at us four old good friends just settin' here on the CEE -ment path. Just shootin' the breeze, and gittin' into hijinks, and whut not. Ain't we the Seinfeld Crew, us four I mean? Just like them four folks on Seinfeld? Now ain't we? BWAHAHAH!

"So, come on, y'all: Let's git into some HIJINKS. BWAHAHAHA!"


Oh how revoltingley disgousting

I was sudenly distracted by something very awful. Once released from her clutching grip, reeling and gasping for air I had just takon my first good look at Cathyann.

When you look at Cathyann the first thing you notice abuot her is her face. Not because its pleasent to look at, but cause your instincts are to avoid lookin at her body at all costs. She is a big wide girl with short red hair and a huge flat face. A face that looks like it might be a normol face, but insted is pressing extremly hard on an invisible pain of glass in front of her. The body on the othor hand is the size and color of a big round peach. Which I supose is not her fault, but surely the girl can wear the right clothes to make the best of it. (After all I am no prize and so who am I to critticize someone else?).

But even still there is no reason for her to wear these knit tubetops (with holes in the knitting that is much too big: Yuck), and hotpants all the time, her flushed pink belly and thighs all drippin with beads of sweat 24 hours a day and bulging out allover like five gallons of peachy marmalade in a one gallon ZipLock bag. Okay, that is how she dresses every day, but today there was somthing new.


"Walter Miller, git yo mind out the gutter and them beady lil eyes OFF mah 'J. Lo' midriff!" she barked at me. Oh God it was so disgousting.

"Your what?" I stammored.

"Mah J-Lo Midriff: JAY-Lo. Jenifer Lopez, you dumbass," Cathyann swaggored, pointing her belly at me. Indeed her belly and a whole lot more. Thanks to Miss Lopez and also Britney Spears, the styles of ladies' pants this year are hip huggors in case you havent noticed, (and, pardon me for saying: Oh Crap! I sure as hell HAVE noticed, especialy on good looking women!)...
...but NOT on Cathyann.

I tried to scoot away. I sort of hopped my skinny butt onto the low cement wall behind me. Cathyann, having to exhert allot more effort, did the same, and soon was sitting next to me, and breathing heavily at the energy needed to haul herself up there.

Her bare nakad hips and paunchey belly hung over the sagging waistband's entire perimeter, like a blubbor ice cream cone. The way she fit in the pants she looked like a whale who'd been dropped head first from an airplane into a manhole cover just as populor campus comedian Carrot Top was climbin up out at the exact moment. In other words her danm pants were so low some foliage was showing. I appollogize for writing that but its true.

Sudenly Cathyann's ass slid off the wall in a painful scrape. But just like a cat who tries to jump on the dresser and misses, but still wants to maintain dignitty, she pulled herself upright and came close to me, facing me as I sat on the wall, her stomoch practiacly touching my knees.

"Hip huggers are IN, I'll tell y'all whut," Cathyann bleated, puffin on her Marlboro with one hand and tapping one foot on the pavement as her other hand patted her belly.

"J Lo wears 'em. 'Course, Britney Spears wears hers the same way, and she got that peirced belly button...
... "Speakin' of which: Y'all seen ol' Britney thrustin' her pubes the other night on TV? Like, why's the girl even NEED to announce that she ain't a role model?"

Sudenly Cathyann backed away from me and in full view of passing cars and half the company she locked her fingors around the back of her head, spread her legs as wide as she coud while still keepin her feet flat on the ground, and started pumping the air with her hips. As if in approval, her thighs applauded from the vibrattion.

"Looky, y'all! I'm Britney Spears. BWAHAHAHA! Can you b'leeve that gal, braggin' about her supposed virginity in them magazines, after makin moves like this?" Cathyann contineud to thrust away in the air tempestuosly while hollerin out so loud that even the non-smokers way over on the othor side of the driveway coud hear her, "YEAH, baby! "YEAH, baby! It ain't that I don't practice chastity. I'm just practicin' for the right man, is all! "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Cathyann finaly stopped, and wheezing heavilly from exerting herself, planted her palms on her knees to catch her breath.

"Virgin mah ass. I'd guess that ol' belly button ain't the only thang been pierced and perforated: BBBWAHAHAHA!

Cathyann is an enbarrasment to be around

I hate my family, I hate my job, I hate my co-workors. And I am begining too even to hate my freinds.

Back at my desk

I check my phonemail agian and Dr. Blankenship has left two more mesagges on it, cause Stu had gave him my number. Both emails consisted of a numbor of fearful screams, with Dr. Madison screamin also in the backround.

I recongnized the screams