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The Summer 2001 Update

Page 34 of 50

The shirt was also stuck. In my overweening fear, I remember thinking to myself, "Why, its a good thing no one can see me," becuase I coud actualy feel the cool vinyl lettering of the inside-out shirt, now right-side out and pressing on my forehead, and if anyone indeed did see me, why, right across my head it woud of clearley read: I Burped the Worm in Mexico.

I continued thrashing in terror of gettin bit by a big furry bug when I heard Stu shout agian, this time laughin and squealing, "Holy cow! Its your Dad's eyebrow! Its stuck on your back! That fancy surgical glue must let me pull it off..."

Oh gross

Indeed was truly Dad's Missing Eyebrow. It must of clung there when my uncle whacked it off dad's face with that golfclub. In fact, now that I think about it, my ITCH only began to ocurr after Zeke hit dad.

I struggoled to get the shirt up over my head but coud not get the collor past my ears, because when I took it off in the bathroom earlier to turn it inside out I was all sweatty from the long humid car ride with no airconditioning and now the cheap piece of crap had shrunk. Also I coud not get the shirt back down. Insted the shirt collor formed a tight ring arround my scalp, just above my ears. The fabric of the yellow shirt hung down below like a nice head of shouldor-lehgnth blonde hair. Exept where Stu kept pushing it aside to try to peel off the glued on eyebrow, which was stuck on so hard by the dermal medicol adhesive it seemingly felt like it had danm grown roots into me, though I knew that posibly coud not be true.

"STAY STILL! Stu kept holloring as his sharp little hooves picked clumsily at the swath of fake hair. Not only coud I feel the cold wet exhails of his snout on my neck, a few times I squirmed in horror when his bare barnyard teats brushed agianst my shouldor blades.

A loud thump on the office door

It sounded like Cathyann had just walked into the door without openinng it, and instead slamed her big clumsey elbows into it. This was the sort of thing you coud expect from Cathyann.

"Come in, its unlocked!" Stu called out. I finaly got my arms out of the shirt, but coud not get it past my big car door ears and off my head. It clung their tight like a yellow do-rag. The door swung open and it was not Cathyann. It was of all people Peaches and also the fire inspector guy, a big burly man with a handelbar moustache, and also a few other of those uniformed Sheriffs who were up on stage earlier during the Emergency Morale boosting All Hands staff meeting. I was instantley blinded from the white flash of a small camera.

"That is evidence!" screamed Peaches who was holding the camora, "You are both in big troubel! This is a firedrill and youre suposed to evacuate the building!"


The next thing I knew two sheriffs were in there and they knelt me down. My face and my bare chest (because I had my shirt allmost off and sticking up) got rugburned as they pushed me head first into the cofee colored wool weave of one of Stu's fancey bucket office chairs as I felt my arms get pulled up behind my back. And as they slapped handcuffs on my skinny thrashing wrists, my face got mashed into the chair seat which was very disgousting because it was on the exact spot of this very patch of fabric that all week as an Unending Routine of Circumstance, Cathyann's butt was sittin and farting.

We are dragged away

All of Cyberblop was asembled on the cement walkway out front and this being a not very poppulated area the Local Access Cable Station van was there with TV cameras. A sort of blowdryed looking TV news reportor with the same perfect looking Pez-dispensor haircut that Peaches had stood along side the path. Looking severely into the camora, as me and Stu, with both of our shirts off for Godsake, and in handcuffs were dragged past by the cops the news reporter announced, "Local businesses feel the heat and pay the price: For fire safety!"

Oh God before I coud even react I found myself in the back of a police cruisor. Thruogh the glass I still heard loud and clear Cathyann's loud bleating voice barking at the Sheriffs (yes there were sheriffs everywhere), "Dont y'all got nothin better to do? Thar ain't no fire, y'all. 'Cept for the one gonna be burnin' their ass after eatin all that spicy food! BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA!"

Me and Stu had got arested. Seated side by side in the back of the pollice car, we leaned foward and lowered our heads in shame, averting our eyes even from looking at eachother. Stu sat in motionless silence. Mottionless except for that caused by the jostling movement of the vehichle, of Stu's teats as they bounced morosely on the knees of his tailored, wide-waist, stout-leg gabardine slacks.

A bunch of faces swormed around the car, normally all hostile faces cause nearly everyone at work hated me, but right now they staired with mouths agape in shock. Above the murmoring I heard Cathyann's raspy bleating voice continiung to bellow at the cops. I remember thinking that shed bettor stop or else she might get arested herself.

I BEGIN TO LOSE IT. And it is very houmiliating. I dont know why but I suddenly started screamin from inside the car, "Get me out of here!" Yes I know, I was actin like a real girl. I canot help it. Cathyann saw me and a frown spread across her face. I saw her lean over to where Peaches was and kick him, and then grab his pencil neck and shake him, bellowing, "This here boy is a menace, and you-all cops is bullies!"

Stu seemed enbarassed, and said, "Walter, chill out, I'll get us out of here."

It was like a surreall dream

All of suddon the sky grew dark and large lumps of rain began to pelt the police car. Off in the horizon the sky loomed a onimous shade of green. In this part of the country when this hapens it is an understatement to say that crappy weather coming.

Cyberblop is on the egde of a larger city but the building itself is actualy situated just over the line in a small town, allmost as small as the one I live in.

The tiny police stattion for this town was only 4 or 5 blocks away, and like the one in our town had just two small holding cells. (The reason why I know this is, that throughout Granfather's long and geographically diverse arrest record, he'd actualy been in this jail twice in the past ten years. One time I even bailed the old basterd out on my lunch hour aftor he started a fight in a nearby saloon.)

And then, somthing odd and unexpected happened. Crackelling over the radio was an emergency call. All of the cops were told over the radio that they had to STOP WHAT THEY WERE DOING and head off about a mile away, to deal with a "special enviromentol Emergency."

One of the cops, the one who was driving, got on the radio and said hed just made two arrests for people avoiding a Firedrill at Cyberblop headqorters.

Sittin next to the driver in the passenger seat was a woman Deputy, and she said to the Sherif who was driving, "You go on, I will handle it and book these two suspects." And then the Sheriff who was driving said, "No you cannot. We wont be able to process these two..."

...And we might have to let them go."