The world fammous

Walter Miller's Homepage(TM)

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful"
-- Mae West (ovbiously not talking about the size of this update)

The Summer 2001 Update

Page 36 of 50


My mind scramboled for ideas -- anything that woud keep me from being cooped up in jail all night. Then I remembered that there was a cash machine in this little town, and I BEGGED HIM TO PLEASE take five hundred out, and to rush back here and bail me out, and I prommised to pay him back. Stu did not look up at me. With both jowls like pressed hams leant hard on the bars, his snout sticking out between them like the flesh-colored prow of an anceint wooden ship carved into a naked lustfulley leering male mermaid, Stu stared at the lady deputy, his tiny, white-less, pea-coal eyes darting with desire up and down her akward lanky frame.

Sort of distractedly he finaly said, "Oh hey, the cash machine! That's a great idea! Dont worrey Walt. I got you covored. But just let me...Oh! Will you just look at that poor woman struggoling with that old slow computer. That poor, vulneroble woman..."

Stu cut himself off, turned to the deputy and called out, "Say, those computors look kind of outdated."

"Yep, the whole county guv-mint is still using these old thangs" she replied, "Funny thing is, we done GOT a big budget fer new systems this year. A dadburned Buzby-Berkley-sized budget fer such. Big ol' businessman like you wouldnt happen to know who can GIT us a nice right load of some nice new computer systems at a good price, would yuh?"

Stu flinched with sudden joy. "I'm in love!" he breathed silentley to me.

"I'm in jail," I remminded him, "Please Stu, aftor she lets you go, get back here as fast as you can with that bail money!"

But of course he ignoared me.

"Hey officer, look -- look at my toungue," Stu called out, in fast-paced rapid chattoring. "See how it's as red as my lips? Now, how coud lipstick get allover my tounge? It's not lipstick at all, it's Cherry Italian Ice."

The deputy squinted her eyes and nodded as Stu contineud, "Me and my buddy were slurpin' them up like a couple of little boys."

"Hmm, now I get it." she drawled.

Stu went on chattoring "And officer, now, about us having our shirts off, well, when they turn off the airconditioning during the fire drills, it gets hot, and..." as Stu's words trailed off, the deputy nodded and mumbled, "I reckon THAT makes sence."

Stu shamlessly flirts some more

"Say oficer, do you get many prisoners sticking their tounge out at you from the cell? Heh heh heh." ...just then I felt a cold chill as without warning she giggled at Stu like the snorty shreik of a donkey receiving a suprise penicillin shot, "Only the ones whut are little boys."

Stu was visibly drooling, extatticaly trembling: Food, flesh, and the dellicious feeling of filling his financial trough with an impending business deal: The Holy trinnity of Stu, all gloriousley about to happen at the same exact time.

The deputy shot Stu a coy look with sad blue eyes while slowly sliding the clunky credit card holdor across his Cyberblop Corporate Amex card. Then with her pinkies outstretched she separrated the carbon sheets and tore them into tiny peices. Then it started thundorring outside. She unlocked the cell, and Stu hopped out with a big grin. Then she shut the door on me in the cell alone and then walked out of the cell area to the front room. Stu stayed behind for a momment.

"Did you see that, Walter?" he said. "She was checking me out!"

I said to him NO SHE WASN'T but that did not stop him. Stu is a teribble flirt. I dared not admit it to him, but indeed, the big old maid-looking female deputy was responding in a restrained yet genuine eagorness to his egregious masculine advances. Stu had the balls to tell her he is going to write a lettor to her supervizor and also the Governor on what a good job she is doing.

But he still woud not LEAVE and go to that cash machine

The cource of conversation moved beyond small talk and deep into the flirtatious flowerey line of B.S. which I both heard and watched thru the doorway in the stillness of the quiet office. Stu is a pig, but he is a smooth one. And so, the mating dance began.

"Purty? You think I'm Purty? Lil' old ME?" she giggled, and patted her blouse and smiled, revealling giant sqaure shaped horse teeth. Godanm that Stu. There is no stopping this headstrong charging porker.

"You know," Stu said to her, "I ordered TWO spicy Thai plattors. I might be willing to share..."

The two began whispering, and ammidst the hushed tones I coud not hear any words but fully saw horseteeth and snout move closer and closer in the quivoring closeness of impending contact.

A giant clap of thundor shook the tiny county building and conveinently ended the convorsation. The deputy went into the ladies room, and Stu scampored back to me, his little hooves inside his fancy wingtips clicking on the cement floor.

The computer is Down

"Walt, know what she just told me? A secret! She said I have a secret for you: She said the computor is down. Just like in the movies, man, when the cop can't call in the licence number, and him and the chick he just pulled over run off to the weeds, and..."

I said to him, "I do not RENT those kind of movies, Stu. And I can see the terminol screen from here. There's a Microsoft Acess database error. Tell her to..." I stopped myself, reallizing another instance of impoulsive self destruction on my part. I have teribble problems with shooting myself in the foot all the time without thinking.

Stu pressed his cherry redstained snout thru the bars into my cell. "Don't help her with the computer, Walt! We havent been processed, dude! Now listen up: I'm gonna wine and dine this homely chick, and get you out of there, and get my five hundred bucks back!," he said, and then glanced ovor his shouldor toward the Ladies Room door. Breaking in between the thundor outside were the interior loud clank of a toilet seat falling down and a few seconds later the splashey sounds of her pissing.

"I thoght you said she was good looking," I said.

"Um, I said it didnt matter...And well, on second thoght maybe it does. I got a good look at her up close," he said as a shivering willie shook his jiggly pink face. "She's no Angie Dickinson, but like I said...I've always had a fantasy about making out with a lady cop."

I said to him, "Stu, a fetish like that means you have serrious problems."

Stu dismissed me, "Nope, Walter, you and I both have cruised the personols ads. And all you see are ads from women lookin for cop-and-fireman types. So why cant I have MY fantasy?"

"Becuase, danm you, Stu, I am in JAIL in case you havent noticed, probly with a very good chance of MYSELF becoming the fantasy a large freindly inmate. Probly someone named 'Luther' or, 'Maurice'."

Just then the Deputy walked back in, holding a cellphone. "Does this here belong to any of y'all? Somone must of dropped it in the POE-lice vehicle." It was Stu's phone. He grabbed it from her without even sayin THANKS, and started dialing. Thank God, he was callin my brother or Granfather again. I have bailed out the Granfather 100 times before. The least the old basterd coud do is read his freakin VISA number over the phone for me just one time.

"Hello? Thai Palace? Stu Hogg here...Yeah, order number 14. Listen, can you delivor that order at parking lot of the laundrymat just south of the police station? I can see out the window from here that the road is blocked because of some toxic spill up a ways, and I sure don't want you to be late with those eats!"

I started screammin at Stu from inside the cell.

Why coudnt he call my danm brother, or Tilde, or anyone to tell them where the hell I was. The deputy hollored back at me that if I didnt stop it right now, she'd have to throw me into Solitery Confinement. Well, I sure as hell didnt want that to happan. (Even thogh I sort of already was). So, instead, with clenched and shaiking fists and grinding teeth I silently listened in the eerie quiet stillness that preceeded the giant storm as Stu explianed his plans to the slow-witted deputy.

"I'll be back in a few minuts. I'm just gonna walk up the street to the laundrymat," said Stu. The deputy batted her eyelashes and said, "Waal, don't YOU be late with them sweet talking ways about you, Babe."

Oh gross

They started kissing. It was realy disgousting. Have you evor seen hogs set loose in a field when soybean plants are new and green in the month of May. Do you know how they just atack them with their big jaws open and their ears floppin like fly swattors agianst their jowly cheeks as they twist their heads from side to side to loop their tongues around the plants to suck in as many danm leaves as posible into their mouthes without having to exert the energy of moving off their lazy bellies that are already so comfortably pressed on the nice cool earth as they lay sprawled between the shady rows? And how you can actualy freakin see their back teeth and hear them grunting a hundred feet away deep in the feild from all the way out to where you are standing on the shouldor of the road?

Well that's what Stu was doing to this woman deputy as both, in a pasionnate embrace on a single folding chair, caused all the awful metallic noises of exertion and stress that possibly can occur on such a peice of furniture while being occupied by two sqiurming people at the same time on a slippory surfaced hard cement floor.

"Oooh Babe," she crooned as the drooly embrace breifly ceased for air. Stu left her there heaving and panting for a second, her ill-fitting deputy's blouse slightley rumpled as he waddled quickley over to my cell agian. His sparse downy pig fuzz scalp hair was all mussed up.

"Walter!" he whispored, "Guess what, man! I'm gonna get lucky tonite!" Looking in at me, he bit his lip in a frown and spoke lowor, "But geez, I really do hate to be called 'Babe'...but anyway, do you think, um, I mean, there must be a condom machene in that laundramat..."

I was very mad and told him to PLEASE stop makin out with the jailer, and get his ass over to the cash machene near the laundrymat: NOT the other machene, (the condom machine), and PLEASE get me out five hundred as a loan that I will pay back as soon as I could: Because I coud NOT stay in here any longer. Because while the fleeting pleasures of money and food and (so I hear) sex are all good things, true long-lasting caring, and the brothorly love between best freinds surpasses them all, I ended it up by saying, "YOU ARE MY ONLY CHANCE."

Stu suddenly snapped out of it.

Like blinders had just fell off his tiny piggy eyes, he instantley saw the full state I was in, and of the whole situattion. With appology in his eyes he repleid, still panting and gasping from the extended and strennous wet slaw with the woman, "Sure thing, Walter. Cash machine. Bail. Five hundred. Oh God, forgive me. Oh, what a selfish slob I've been. I'm on my way. RIGHT NOW. You can allways count on me."

Finaly Stu scampored off.