Continually rising to meet a falling standard of content across the web.
Page 38 of 50
The deputy finaly turned away. She plodded off toword the front entrence, poked her face out the window, and came back.
"Them roads out thar is covered with biscuit gravy mud, yay high," the Deputy drawled, leveling her palm to waist level. "Word come over the POE-lice band that its all because an old man a few counties over had his toilat overflow. 'Course, THAT don't sound right."
"Course, you don't know Grampy! BWAHAHAHA!"
I whispored, "Cathyann! Get into charactor, dammit!"
Cathyann quickly frowned. She then sort of moved in front of the Deputy, and stood there, arms folded and tappin her foot.
"May I help you?" said the Deputy.
"May ah hepp you, SIR," Cathyann retourted very rudely in a fake deep voice. "I'm here to git mah friend here--Um, I meant to say, mah buddy and fellow gentelman male, Mr. Miller out of this dumbass lil' ol' jail of yours."
The deputy replied, "Sir, them roads is all warshed out on all four sides," said the deputy.
"Sir. SIR? Whut is it I ask your doing?", the deputy asked as Cathyann walked closer and closor to her. She didnt stop moving close till she'd practicaly gave the cop the Patrick Ewing chest-butt.
"I'm scratchin' mah balls. Whut's it to you?"
The deputy straightened up and folded her arms with a long sigh. "That's enough outta you Bubba." But Cathyann was just gettin started.
"Lissen up, you hayseed bitch. You farmgirl hillbilly dumbass. You slack-jawed Deputy Dawg-brained coal-miner's daughter of two first cousins. Look at you. You think you're bad. BAD!!
"Bad mah hairy ass. Gonna call you Barney-Ann Fife, is whut.
Next thing you know Cathyann was manacled with handcufs to the small metol folding chair. The deputy had wheeled up beside her with a rolling typewritor table.
"Name," said the deputy calmley.
"Caint you tell? Look at me: I'm Duwayne! Walter, tell her: I look like DuWayne, so I AM DuWayne." The deputey said politely, "Full name please."
"DuWayne Beauregard Earldee Poteet," said Cathyann stickin her chest out, "Got me four names like George Dubya's daddy. It's a Cajun name. I'm a Cajun: So I might as well git mah ass locked up in a cage! BWAHAHAHA!"
"Address," said the deputy.
"DAY -umm. Where does Duwayne live? Hepp me out, Walter. Remember that ol' dirty sock smellin' trailer where he stays with his cousin? I done been thar a million times, 'cept I ain't never mailed him nothin'."
The deputy it turns out wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawor if you know what I mean and this was a good thing. She did not catch on to nothin Cathyann was saying, and she was saying allot.
"So, you live with yer cousin there, Mister Poteet?"
"Yep. Muh cousin, muh momma and mah aunt," said Cathyann, who quickley turned to face me, "'Course, knowin' how inbred THAT ol' fambly is, them's all the same person! BWAHAHA! BWAHAHA!
I wondored how much she'd been drinking, but with Cathyann you never know. Before she was led into the cell with me I had to stick my wrists out thru the bars to get briefly handcuffed. This was because of a regulation because the deputy was there alone that night. It was additionaly houmilliting.
"Hey Walt buddy, we're in jail together! BWAHAHAH!," she slapped my back with her sweatty meaty hand. I told her to NOT MESS UP and be sure to put on the man's voice.
"Oh yeah!" she grunted, quickly switching back to an exagerated deep tone. She chattored on endlessly a mile a minute in the cell with me, and a few times made big misteaks like, "I got PMS this week", and, "Do I look fat next to these here bars? " and, "Old DuWayne's gonna kick yo'ass when he finds out his ass got throwed in jail an' it was YOUR IDEAR! BWAHAHAHA!"
The deputy came ovor again with this concerned look on her face. My heart started beatting like crazy. I was sure she was on to us. But all she did was remind us that she was alone in the building with us tonite, and then ecxused herself back to the ladies toom again cause it was aparant that something she ate was not agreeing with her. Cathyann picked up agian yammering away a mile a minute.
"It's cool bein' dressed like a man. See, a man dressed like a woman is jest plain silly. Aint that true, Walter? But a womon dressed like a man is dangeruos and brave. Jest like Mulan. When she went to fight thet army o' Mongrels. Did you see Mulan? Ain't I just like Mulan? BWAHAHAHA!"
"Walter, aint it just amazing we'd done both git throwed in jail together?" I told her i was more amazed that Stu actualy attempted to share food with somone.
"Yep, just go on and call me Mulan," she ignored me., "I'm a woman: Pretendin' to be a man--not just any man, but my OWN man. And I'm sacrificing his honor to protect another man. That'd be you, Walter--pay attention, an' stop lookin' so weepy--anyways, with all this here mistaken identity, and INTRIGUE an' whut not, its so romantic. Like one'o'them artsy French films that you cain't never figger out who's who."
A pause went by. "Cathyann," I said, my voice dry and weak as I foght back tears, "Do you reallize we WILL BE HERE in this cell all night?" Anothor silence went by with a long gloworing stare from her big bovine head, and then she said to me, "D'You know whut you got on yo' hands, boy? A love triangle. That's a LOVE triangle a-brewin', and lil' ol' Walter Miller's done in the center of it."
She brought her face close till her mustache nearly brushed my nose and said real loud, "A LUUUUre triangle: A Trah..Ain...Gull of LUUVE."