Its not hard to be paranoid when the whole world realy is agaisnt you.
Mr. Peckushay gestured to Stu and said to me, "My boy Stu here says you're hip. Are you hip, Mr. Miller?"
Stu was nodding and prodding me to say yes, so I said, "Yes, sir."
"Good, Mister Millerrrrrr," Peckushay said, drawling my name out, leaning way back in Billy's chair and rocking it, and still lookin at the cieling, and speaking very slowly, "Ooooh-kay, so now we will ask YOU: Who is the prettiest girl in Building Two?"
"Okay, here's one," said Peckushay, sweeping his feet off the table. He stood up, and motioned one of his ass kissing underlings to erase the white board in Billy's office, which was covored with a list of names the crowd had written down of pretty womon who work at Cyberblop.
"Suppose you're stranded on a desert island," said Peckushay, "You're alowed to pick five women from Building Two...No, three woman to spend the rest of your life with. You know, look at every day, have sex with, sit in the sun and weave grass mats with, and most importantly: also listen to their damn mouths."
"Hell," snorted Stu, "I can name about eight chicks just in the North Aisle alone."
Peckushay suddenley pointed to me, "I want to hear from "YOU, Millerrrrrr. You're supposed to be hip, but you're just sitting there like a flowerpot."
I did not know what to say. Instinctively I named this womon who was in Human Resources who had particulorly long legs but only because I thought she coud scamper up the trees to get us enough coconuts to make us all a raft. I said it half as a joke and everybody realy thoght it was funny. It is great when people laugh at your jokes.
"Good one, Walt," Stu whispored, and poked me.
"You horse's ass," one of the Marketing guys finaly snapped at me, (it was Billy actually), "That's my gaddam wife."
Well I did not know that. Stu told me dont worrey about it. "You passed, Walt. Peckushay likes you. In fact, he's coming along to hang with us on Friday night.
Later back at my cubicol I checked the web to see if my online Personols Ad was posted yet. Oh crap! It was. Well, I supose i woud now sit back and enjoy a flood of responses to "Studly J. Hunk." Sudenly my phone rang. It was Granfather.
"BOY," said the old basterd, "WHUT'S GOT SIX BALLS AND SCREWS YOU TWICE A WEEK? THE LOTTERY. GET IT? GET IT?"
"What do you want, Granfather?"
"WAAL, I AIN'T CALLIN' YOU TO TELL YOU JOKES...YOU DUMBASS WUSSY. I WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO GIT ME THAT FEBUARY ISSUE OF COSMO...YOU DUMBASS WUSSY AGAIN."
And then the old basterd slammed the phone down.
On the way home I stopped to get that danm magazine Granfather wanted. Just as I did not want anyone in our town's Mini Mart to see me buying lady's personal cream I didnt want no one I knew to see me buyin a lady's magazine like Cosmo neither. So I went back to that other convenience store near the gas station out on the freeway.
The same big tall sad faced guy who sold me the Monistat Seven was behind the countor lookin at me. He took the magazine from me and slowley focused his eyes on it. I did not know what to say. I cleared my throagt and said in a lame way, "You know, theres allot of interesting articles in here."
With a contemptuous smirk the big old sad guy dropped it back on the countor and looked at me with a frown.
I cant beleive how much they charge for a copy of Cosmo. Anyway I was real embarased when I saw this as the lead story:
Advanced lovers only!
You must try
"The Angel" and
8 other sizzling
positions so hot
you'll burn a hole
through the bed.
Whoa, I am glad no one I knew saw me buy that. When I got home, Granfather and his unusual little girlfreind who looks like a female version of deadpan comedian Al Franken were sittin there at the kitchen table plotting some sort of evil agianst Granfather's most feared and hated enemy, the County Clerk.
I coud not put my finger on what it was. But I will tell you what it reminded me of. Granfather went thruogh this period of his life a few years ago where he believed that he no longer needed to bathe. If he just splashed this rose smelling cologne on everey day, that woud be enough.
Also he thoght if he spreyed the seat of his pants with Lysol Rose Pouporri he woud never again have to change his trousors. The old basterd went thru that stage for four months but the residuol smell lasted five.
Granfather and his gnomelike girlfreind were both at the phone console in the kitchen on conference call with one of those nine dollar an hour lawyors they have on the internet who gives you advice. Granfather was hollering at the poor lawyor because he was not helping him in his quest to "destroy" the County Clerk.
I know the words, "poor lawyor" is controdiction in terms because the ones our danm family deals with are neithor poor or worthy of pity. But any person who goes head to head with Granfather is deserving of compasion.
"WHY CAIN'T I SUE HIM JUST BECAUSE I HATE HIM?", the old basterd screamed.
"Because you cant!" cried the exasporrated lawyor on speakerphone.
"THEN I'LL SUE YOU CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" Granfather screammed back. He has a hideous torturous scream. It is like somthing out of a banned video game. The virtual female versien of Al Franken abruptely got up from the table and went to the bathroom. Granfather slammed the phone off. He glowered at me with a grumpy frown.
"WHAR'S MY COSMO?" he growled. I held it out and the lascivious old bastord snatched it from me and began greedily thumbing thruogh it reading the lead article. The one about all the sexuol positions. His gummy brown lips moved with the words.
"HMPH!!," he said at one point, "WAAL, THAT THAR AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON IN THIS HERE TRAILER."
I said to him, "Yes, you can burn a hole thru the bed just with a dish of beans."
Granfather did not answor me right away. but just staired off into space.
"WE GOT PROBLEMS, BWAH. ME AND MUH LADY FREIND."
Silence went by as I ignored the old basterd. He added, "BEDROOMWISE, IF YOU CATCH MAH DRIFT."
I was full of scorn for the old letch. I replied, "Granfather, you met her in a chatroom. How can you think it will be romantic?"
"WHO THE HELL'S TALKIN ABOUT ROMANCE? I'M A MAN WHO HAS URGES, AND NEEDS!," he spat, shaking in the air his hairy lumpey horn nailed marmoset like monkey paw, "PLUS THE UGLY LITTLE HAG FORCES ME TO WATCH THE DANM LIFETIME CHANNEL! IT'S EMASCULATING!"
"I heard that, Grampy," said the girlfreind from inside the bathroom.
The old basterd pulled a Poloroid out of his shirt pocket and tossed it on the table an whispored to me, "LOOK BOY. EVEN THIS HERE DIDN'T HEPP ME NONE. NOW YOU CATCH MAH DRIFT?"
My hand flew to my moulth and I gripped it hard as to avoid barfing.
"WHY CAIN'T A MAN LIKE ME GET A DATE WITH COKIE ROBERTS?"
I said, "I dont know Granfather. Oh wait, yes I do: because you look and smell like an elephent's ass."
Granfather ignored the insult, and continued to muse out loud.
"AND YET, I FIND THIS ODD LITTLE WOMAN INTRIGUING.
"I'D OF DUMPED THE LIL' TROLL WEEKS AGO, BUT THAR'S SOMTHIN' ABOUT HER WHUT I FIND TRULY COMPELLING..
"WHOOPS, I JUST DONE DROPPED A SILENT ONE, AND WE HAD LUNCH AT 'DENNY'S' -- YOU BETTER GIT THE HELL OUTA HERE, BWAH."
Fortunatly I escaped down the hall. Even though Granfather had warned me, old basterd started fluffing it toword me with the Cosmo.
"Hello," she said grimly.
"Where did you guys get all those fresh roses? I said. There were rose pedals all over the freakin floor of the trailer, mostly by the entrence to Granfather's bedroom. Which was not realy the worst thing that coud happen to Granfather's bedroom if you think about it.
"Oh," she said, "Your Granfather boght them over the web and billed them to the County Clerk's online acount. Then she stood there glumly stairing at me in a moribund way. She did not blink.
Finaly I said to her, "Okay, you have to go away now." Boy, Granfather REALLY coud pick them, I tell you.
City dwellors may not understand this, but when you live out in the prairie in the middle of nowhere like me, 50 miles is NOT bad. Especialy for a loser like me.
I wont duplicate the e-mail here but i will say that she began the lettor, "Dear Studly Hunk". The letter went on to mention a whole lot of REAL sexy things. Oh crap. This was a lively one.
...Oh boy! Of course she sets a date. What bettor time is there to inject a cliffhanger here? To, in effect, end this March Update? Well dont worry. The third and final instalment of this overly huge, boring update continues below: The begining of the April 2000 update.