Not better: Bigger
Granfather told me that he wanted me to get a rellationship. Also, its important that I meet the girl's family first, which is bettor than meeting her at a restuarant.
I said to him, "Granfather, you shoud have hacked more of my files. We changed our plans and I will indeed meet her at her house."
"THET'S GOOD," he snorted, "JEST BE SURE TO KISS THE FAMILY'S ASS.
EVEN IF THE GIRL TURNS OUT TO BE A WOOFER.
AN UGLY SUMBITCH LIKE YOU WON'T GIT MANY CHANCES IN YER LIFE."
This was actually the old basterd's way of offoring a compliment. I said to him it was verry nice of him to be thinking of me.
Once more I told Granfather that I apreciated his advice. Which perhaps is not always that deranged. Things have to be pretty desperately bad when you have to get rellationship advice from GRANFATHER. A man who smells so bad that body lice land on him to comitt suicide.
The old basterd had to pee and of course announced it for all to hear. He gripped the egde of the table with his bony fists and pushed back swinging his wobbly skeletal legs out from the booth and stood up.
"AS YOU KNOW AH DON'T GIVE A DANM ABOUT YOU AND YER LOVELIFE, BWAH.
"I'M JEST TIRED O'YER DAMN PANSY LIKE MOPING AND WHINING." And then he loped off away from me like an arthritic elderly chimp still not too old for simian autoerotic thuoghts and headed to the restroom.
Sudenly the primate monster glanced over his shoulder at me and scampored past the restroom door. Before i coud catch him he was standing there at the County Clerk's table, silenlty staring at the frightened man and his date. Frightoned because you never know what Granfather is going to do next.
For a tense minute or so Granfather and the county Clerk stared at eachother. The surounding tables grew silent. The county Clerk's date whispered, "Who is that man?" and the county Clerk whispored back, loudly, "No one!"
"NO ONE?" Granfather interjected. "NO ONE?"
"ALL THEM YEARS, AND ALL'S YOU KIN SAY IS 'NO ONE'?"
The county Clerk held his head and shut his eyes and cletched his teeth and said very slowly as he treid to control his anger, "Go away. And don't ever approach me again."
Granfather just kept staring at him with this sad look on his face. The red, diamond-shaped pupils of his reptile eyes were winsome and small in his lemon yellow irises, (and particulorly bold against the orange color of his jacket).
You coud of heard a pin drop in the restauarant, (actually, one guy in the back started clapping for a minute); the county clerk's companion grabbed her moulth and started retching. Granfather then turned to the womon and said, "TAKE GOOD CARE OF MAH SWEET LOVE JONES, MA'AM. AND PRAY THAT ONE LONELY DAY WHEN HIS FICKLE HEART HAS ONCE MORE CHANGED, AFTER WHICH TIME YOU HAVE ALREADY SURRENDERED YOUR HEART, AND SOUL, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY, PASSIONATE, QUIVERING YEARNING BODY, HE WON'T REFER TO YOU AS A MERE 'NO ONE'."
The womon screamed. She had this incredoble Elizabeth Montgomery TV Movie scream. I grabbed the bulletproof-gauge polyblend fabric of Granfather's tackey blazor and dragged him to the door. Me and the old basterd got the hell out of there.
On the way back Granfather told me that of all the things he coud do to bring public shame to his most hated enemy, this one probly hit the jackpot. Theres only one traffic light in our town and its a blinkor and I almost rear ended a minivan with a womon in it who wasnt paying atention cause she was on a cell phone.
I slammed my brakes on swerved to miss her and pulled up next to her at the stop sign. Granfather rolled the wondow down and hollored at the poor woman, "YOU KNOW, YOUR DRIVING MIGHT IMPROVE IF THET THAR CELL PHONE YER HOLDIN' WUZ UP YO' DANM ASS!"
Aftor we got home I was just sort of pacing around the house so nervuos about my date, which was only a few hours away. Sudenly the phone rang. I had this teribble feeling that it was "Absolutely Gorgeuos" calling to cancel, but it was not. It was a woman whose name I did not know, but whose voice sounded strangely familiar.
"Do I know you?" I said.
You woud not beleive who it was. It was the lady who I whacked in the helmet by acident with the Kung Pow chicken. At first I thoght she was going to sue me or somthing but she sounded really nice. She was actualy calling to apollogize for "over reacting." Which is a twist because I am usualy the one overreacting. Also apollogizing.
I coud not believe it. I took the call in my room. She seemed to be a little on tough side but was actualy quite nice. We were on the phone for like an hour. Granfather usualy likes to eavesdrop on the extension when I am on a personal call. But I was not worried about him listening to this call. The whole time I coud hear the old basterd loudly farting from inside the bathroom. The cheap tinplate dented full length mirror that hung on the bathroom door reverborrated with the sound of each gassy blast.
So anyway I am on the phone with this womon, this security guard who is hoping to become a cop. I told her I worked for an Internet company and she told me she was havin problems with Microsoft bugs, (like, who the hell ISNT), and the way it ended up we made plans to get togethor on the folowing night, which was Sunday night, for a few beers. I coud not believe it. I hung up the phone and walked in the kitchon and there with an evil leering look on his gastly face was GRANFATHER listening in on the extension!!
Before I coud react he said, "GUESS WHUT, BOY: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT: AH KIN THROW MAH 'VOICE' AGINN." And just then to demonstrate he winced and grunted out a wet sounding one at least eleven seconds long which I heard reverborrate from way inside the bathroom on the othor side of the trailer.
"You old disgusting slob!" I said.
"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. BUT SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE AND LISSEN.
"THIS HERE'S YOUR CHANCE. A FOOL LIKE YOU WILL NEVER AGINN GIT TWO DATES IN ONE WEEKEND: YOU NEED MORE ADVICE FROM GRAMPY."
Well I did not WANT no more of his danm advice. I tried to get away from the old basterd but he eagerly followed me down the hall and into my room in his stiff monkeylike hip-swinging trot like a hungry baboon in one of those drive-thru wild animol parks who got fed too many times out of the car window by stupid tourists, and who now is so greedy he freakin follows any human he sees.
"Go away!" I said.
"AH AIN'T GOIN' AWAY. YOU NEED TO LOOK GOOD ON THEM DATES. I WANT TO LOAN YOU THIS HERE ORANGE LAURENCE WELK BLAZER."
Oh please. I said to him, "Theres no way I'm wearing that!"
Granfather reached in the pockat and took out a blue foil pack that he tossed at me and said, "THEN YOU BETTER BRING THIS."
It was the danm condoms i bought. One of the four brands. Before I coud ask Granfather where he got them he answored me: "WHILE I WAS HACKIN' YER DAMN EMAIL I DONE SNOOPED IN YER SOCK DRAWER. SEEMS YOU KEEP MORE IN THAR THAN SOCKS."
For the rest of the afternoon Granfather folowed me around and bothered me. "WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF ROMANCE," he said, as I tried to ignore him, "SO KEEP UP ALL THAT EXAGERATIN' YOU'RE SO FAMOUS FOR. JEST REMEMBER BOY, THE FUTURE TENSE OF 'LIE' IS 'LAID' AN' THAT'S WHAT YOU WANNA GIT."
He kept tellin me that he, "knew his way around the bedroom." Yeah right.. Mabye a fleabitten bedroom out on the state route behind the frieght rail track with a heartshaped neon sign in the window that reads Rooms By The Hour. I know the place, too.
I coud not wait to get away from the old basterd.
I sat in the kitchon which had a cheap closet door off to the side that led to one of those laundry rooms with a toilet in it. It was one of these typicol middle class kitchons that still had a rotary phone on the wall, a yellow one and a pair of those somwhat tacky yet homey decorative oversized wooden fork and spoon combos up over the sink. Me and her sat at the kitchon table and I forget what we were talkin about but she was giggling allot and all of a sudden from inside the laundry room i hear a loud flush and the closet door opened and stepping out sort of bending his head down cause he was tall and holding a match in his hand that trailed a thin wisp of smoke cause it just went out was a sad looking man who I knew from the conveneince store out on the state highway I stopped at a few times in the past week on the way to my job who was also her father.