Walter Miller Homepage

"WELL, NO ONE TOLE ME YUH WASNT S'POSED TO EAT THAT PART O'THE TURKEY GARRDAMMIT"
-- A Holoday memory, Christmas Eve 1983

Post Holiday 1/97 update

Page 6 of 8


They woudnt STOP singin Christmos carols and I begged them to. Finaly granfather said OK NO MORE CARROLS. Then they imediately started singing 'Bufalo Girls Wont You Comeout Tonite.' Then I said NO SINGING AT ALL--we have a rule in our familly: What the driver says GOES. Well as soon as the 2 old monstrossities stopped singin they started smooching in the backseat. Granfather was makin those high pitched barking woofs like Jimmy Stuart did in Its A Wondorful Life after him and his wife are in the backseat of the taxi rihgt after they got married when he says to her: 'Rhhff! Come here--Rhrrff!' You know the scene. Plus they started kissin and it was makin all these disgustin slurpy smacky loose denture noises. I cought a glimps of them goin at it in the rearveiw and almost retched on the dashboard. I told them to STOP THAT TOO.

Granfather leaned over to the front of the car stretchin his reticulated non-human elastocized neck to an extreme lenhgt and put his face so close to me his nose pressed on my nose and I coud barely see the road and then his grusome face scowled up and snarled at me in a dropdead Lionol Barreymore voice YOU ONCE CALLED ME A WARPED FROUSTRATED OLD MAN. WHAT ARE YOU BUT A WARPED FROSTRATED YUONG MAN? I said Granfather PLEASE I cant see the road.

And then the old coot smacked me on the head real hard with his boney knuckol and said still talkin like Mr Pottor: IM TALKIN ABOUT THE BUILDING AND LOAN! Then he made a shreiking evol laugh. The man is a frikkin mental case. I began to daydream about watchin him bobblin up and down in a giant hermedicaly sealed jar filled to the top with nailpolish removor. Or mabye a containor of that blue liqoud they soak the combs in at the barbor shop. My fantacies were continualy intorupted cause they both started singing again like caterwualing fools and woudnt stop.

DONNA MARTON GRADEUATES

I slowed the car down and used my own line from that movie I said to them 'OK you 2 pixies out the door or thru the window.' I said that if the 2 of them didnt queit down right now Id drop them off at a old folks sheltor an drive off pretendin I dont know them. Granfather snapped at me: WE PROTEST. Then the old wench said I PROTEST TOO and she pulled my little short haires on my neck with her fat dimpley sausagey fingers-it hurt like hell. Then they both started to repeat in unnison over and over this dopey line from there favorite show, Bevorly Hills 90201. You know the eppisode: Fox repeats this show atleast once a month. Its when that girl Tory Speling plays is cought drunk at the prom and they wont let her graduate from hihgschool until they all have a big protest and chant DONNA MARTON GRADUATES! DONNA MARTEN GRADUATES over and over and OVER.

Well the 2 old fogeys did this for over an hour while Im complety lost driving all over the whole frikin Dalles Ft. Worth area lookin for the old biddys sisters house. I started cryin real hard and cuodnt see the road from tears. This was the worst damn Cristmas I ever had. I stopped to ask a man for diretcions but when I rolled down the window the sihgt smell and sound of the 2 chanting fools in the backseat made the man run down the street away from us. Granfather was insoulted by this an rolls his own window down to hack a big ivory colored wet one up from his throaght right at the poor guy while he was tryin to run away and i heard it slap hard on his neck. Granfather atcualy does things like this in public. What a horroble excuse for a human being is my beastly ancester.

Finoly we get there

Granfathers girlfreind is so dumb she doesnt remebor the name of her sisters street. Then as we aproach the house I get this high fallutin lectore from both of them that Im a GUEST and I haveto behave myself and not touch nothin in my hosts house that dont belong to me. YEAH RIGHT I said just like Ed did touchin breakin and stealin stuff in MY house. Granfather leaned over to whack me on the head with his cane WHILE I WAS DRIVING and he thretoned me to be on my best behavor and also that i was to show Ed respect and call him 'Uncle Edword' othorwise my ass was grass.

Then he said HURRY UP AND GIT TO THE HOUSE WALTER and screamed at me that he had to 'Heave a Havana' which is his term for havin to make a big log and if I didnt get him to a tiolet on time hed do it right there in the car and ID HAVE TO CLEAEN IT UP.

Well when we pull up to the house dont you know theres BIG TRUOBLE alredy when we get there...

A family Tragody