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"YER GRANMAW'S UNDER THE MISSLETOE AND IT AINT FER HER HEALTH!!! PUCKER UP BOY!!!"
--until the old witch died when i was 9 the most frihgtning moment of evory year

Post Holiday 1/97 update

Page 8 of 8


I tried to find a phone upstairs but there was none. Its good I didnt cause I didnt know the name of whose house it was an i bet Id be arested for breakin in. Well this is Texas--theres surely guns in the house so I searched the bedroom drawes. All I found was old ladys undorwear an smelly creams.

The dog soon gets up REAL PISSED. He growls, lips quivorin showin all his front teeth--the scariest face of all a dog makes. Slowly he hops to the first step and stays there a full minute. Then he hops to the 2nd step growlin more. The danm dog is PLAYIN with me. I yelled at him an scremed for help but no one came

PICK UP THE GALDANG PHONE

The phone downstairs rings. The ansoring machine picks up. Its granfather holerin like crazy I coud barely hear him.

I squat down by the top step an jab the mop at the dog. He snaps at it like mad. I relize i CANT let him grab the mop--if he pulls it from me Im dogmeat! So instead I jab it. I got lotsof crap from the bathroom like hairspray and jars to throw at him. Eachtime I move away from my spot a instant later hes atthe top step an I have to wack him down. Once i spreyed him inhis squinty eyes with Cloroseptic.

At 11pm the phone rings again and its granfather madder than hell screamin PICK UP! Then he rambols on all these directons to the hospitol for me to bring him and his girlfrend their medocine. I started cryin cause if they dont get there medicin they coud get sick. I forgot they were AT a hospitol. I cryed too cause i felt bad for Ed an hoped he woudnt die on Chrismas and I felt bad for the old biddy cause her son was sick an mabye dying.

Granfather I did NOT feel bad for. If this was like any other of his hospitol trips this year hed spend Christmos as he did on every visit: Sexauly harrasing nurses.

All danm night I stayed in that one spot fightin off the dog it was the most harowing experence of my life, a dead standoff and niether me or him got a wink of sleep that night. Good thing i didnt haveto take a crap cause I woud of had to do it in my pants or else have the dog come thru that hole he made in the bathrom door and kill me as i sat on the bowl. I did NOT want to die so undignofied. Mabye granfather could die that way but NOT ME.

At 2am the phone rings again: On the answerin machene I heard the 2 old folks. I coudnt hear evrything they said but I coud tell Uncle Ed probly survived his ordeal cuase they were makin lude jokes. They yapped on and on an the girlfreind laughed and cackled probly drunk. I coud hear party noise an loud music inthe backround. Later i found out they left Ed at detox to sleep it off and Granfather, his girlfrend and her sister were at a niteclub whoopin it up.

5 minuts later the phone rings again and its the old girlfrend nonsense talking in a little girl voice. I hear Granfather scream in the bakground: NOW! GIMME THE PHONE NOW! All of a suddon a giant fart comes over the speaker thats so loud I swear a few bulbs onthe Christmos tree downstairs burst. They say a dogs brain is 1/3 his sence of smell--I bet the dog smeled it. Then the girlfrend gets on the phone again in the litle girl voice sayin in a perfect Zu-Zu imitation: "TEACHER SAYS EVRY TIME GRAMPY FARTS A DEMON GETS HIS HORNS!" Then they laghed there asses off. Disgustin monstors.

Finaly its OVER

The gerryatrics didnt arive till 10am Christmos morning. You can imagine I GOT IN TROBLE for "nosing aruond in the drawers" but mostly for "alowing the dog" to break the bathrom door, scratch the floor, piss and poo on the rug and 'allow' him to chew MY NEW $80 SHOES. Also the poor doggy had cuts on his face and foot. "ED'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS" said the mean old maid aunt.

Then we opened presents. Somhow the old beast tracked down a genoine Tickel Me Elmo for his old girlfreind. She got him a subsciptoin to a filthey Rated X website. I spent $90 on granfahers Chia gargoyle plus i boght him an the hoe Dinner theater tikets. Plus I got him a new rawhide pull toy and him and the pitbull were out in the yard all aftornoon playin with it, wrestling, scamporing around playgrowling and sniffing each others butts.

My presents sucked. Know what they got ME? A 50 Hours AOL Trial disk. I swear. You know the old bastord got it in the mail for free. As I opened it Granfather said sternly I BOUGT YOU 50 WHOLE HOURS BOY YER DANM LUCKY WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE THE NET WAS IN BLACK AND WHITE. PLUS WE SURFED BY CANDLELIGHT. Yeah right.

END OF JANAURY 97 POST-HOLODAY UPDATE
If you want send me email at: walter_miller@hotmail.com
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