Page 5 of 5
At breakfast granfather discoverd the butterknif was more painful. He leaned acros the table and wacked me just above the knuckle on the flat part of my hand and when I said OW! he stopped for a second and I coud see the wheels of evil twirl in his head with a beam of delite on his face when he flipped it to hold the blade part instead an hit me more with the thickor handle part shreiking IT HURTS LIKE HELL DONT IT, DONT IT BOY? cackling and chattoring like a mean pestilent hyena laughin off his pustoulent boil encruousted ass. Then he cletched his teeth and made a incredible massive fart and the formica tabbletop veneer split very slowly renting the whole legnth of it with a popping noise knockin over a glass and also 2 electric fuses in the room blew. There only wimpy 15 volt fuses, but still.
That night was newyears Eve and we both got in a big fihgt about what to watch. He wanted to see Dick Clark an I wanted to see Jay Leno. Eveytime Dick Clark is on he says the same 2 anoying things 25 times each: HANDSOME FELLER HES THE SAME AGE AS ME and also how he has to stand on a box when posing next to Ed McMann on the sweepstakes comercials cause McMann is so much bigger.
Well we watched Leno an Im sorry I did. Somthin VERY weird hapened: I dont know if you saw Leno on New Years (it was live) but they did a sketch where they had Clinton signin a bill with a upsidedown naked lady ballpoint pen. Granfather screamed at me: YOU LITTLE HACK! He acused me of STEALIN that joke but the fact was THEY stole it from ME cause I wrote about it FIRST way back in September 96. He called me a liar anyway an hit me more with the buterknife this time on my knee.
Granfathers old hag calls up right after midnight to make slourpy kiss noises at him. (This time HE put the speakor phone on just to annoy ME).
I hear Uncle Edwords in the bacround and hes all cryin cause hes depressed. Granfather says COME HERE EDWORD and he said to him it was all goingto be allright and then also he coud call him anytime he wanted just to talk and mabye the 2 of them coud go fishin sometime or granfather woud come up in the spring to see a Rangers game.
I stormed out an went in the other room cause I was so hurt. WALTERS JEOLOS! granfather screamed laughin in the phone and the old girlfreinds voice cackled back laughing too. But Ed kept cryin an granfather kept tryin to cheer him up. He said to Ed he had to take his recovery one day at a time an put one foot in front of the other.
So granfather says COMNE ON EDDY REMEMBER THE LEGOND OF KRIS KRINGLE, and he actualy starts serenading him over the phone to cheer him up--really not singing but screamin in monotone at the top of his lungs with a cigar tight in his teeth:
JUST PUT ONE FOOT INFRONT OF THE OTHER
AND SOON YOUL BE WALKIN' CROSS THE FLO-O-OOR
YES PUT ONE FOOT INFRONT OF THE OTHER
AND SOON YOUL BE HEADIN OUT THAT DOOR
I hollered back from my room that that song WASNT from 'Legend of Kris Kringle' but from 'Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer' and granfather said YES IT WAS. Then I said YES IT WAS YOU OLD BASTERD ILL BET YOU 50. Either way I figoured Im living with a friggin claymation figure.
Well with the old biddy as a witness (over the phone atleast) granfather wheels out to the porch where theres hundreds of unmarked videos an imeediatly picks one an pops it in the VCR an theres the Rosie O'Donnell show where on live TV PROOF was given that it was not Rudolf or Frosty but REALLY the Legend of Kris Cringle where that song is from.
A COMMON MISCONCEPTOIN AMONG HOLLIDAY SEASON TELEVISON SPECIALS ILL TAKE MY FIFTY IN SMALL BILLS PLEASE said the old basterd. I was mad as hell.
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