Walter Miller's Homepage


1996 CHRISTMOS SING-ALONG PAGE

Heres a link to an Oldie but goody from Chrismas '95: SEASON'S BEATINGS


Walter's Grampa's coming to town

(sing to tune of 'Santa Cluas is Comin to Town')
You better duck down
You better watch out
The liquidy brown
Is flyin about
Walters Grampas coming to town

We're mixing a dip
Were checkin it twice
Were keepin him free of vermin and lice
Ugly smelly grampa's around

You know when hes been crapping
Our whole town stays awake
Youd better get the rubber gloves
Cause the old guys got to make
OH!
You better get up
And get the hell out
Hes just ate a can
Of raw Sourkrout
Stinky grampys comin to town


Its a Happy Crappy Cristmos

(Holly Jolly Christmis)
Its a happy crappy Christmes
With lots of baldfaced fear
Nostrils burning and nausea
Tell evryone Grampas near
And althogh hes somtimes charming
His crueltys most sincere
More emotional scarring
Cause of Grandpa this year


Oh, I need a brandnew diaper

(sing to 'I Need A Little Christmos' in a Texas acent at the topof your lungs with a cigaret clenched in your teeth)
OH I NEED A BRAND NEW DIAPOR!
RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
I NEED AN EXPERT WIPER!
IM SITTIN QUITE DEEP IN IT,
OH,
I NEED A BRAND NEW PAMPER!
RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
AND MY OLD ONE IN THE HAM-PER
NOWWW!

OH YES SOMEONE GET A DIAPER!
RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT!
IM SORRY IM SO HYPER!
BUT MY RECTUM IS IN FOMENT,
YES,
SLAP ON A BRAND NEW HUGGIES!
RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE
IVE GOT EXPLOSIVE FUD-GIES
NOWWW!


Its Begining to Smell Allot Like Granpa

(its Beginin to Look alot like Christmos)
Its begining to smell alot like granpa
Try-y-y not to inhale
Your olfactory nerves will die
From one whiff ofthe stinky guy
And jeoperdize
The funtcions of your eyes

Its begining to smell so very rancid
Al-l-ll the trailer thru
My whole epidermis hurts
From the stink of his Hershey squirts
Thats wafting from our litle trailor loo


Grandpa Made A Great Big Rancid Stain here

(sing to tune of Grandma Got Runover By A Reindear)
Grandpa made a great big rancid stain here
On the trailer carpet Christmis eve
You can say he doesn realy smell bad
But as for me im tryin not to heave

Hed been eating too much dairy
Plus fryed-onion liverwurst
During supper he looked scary
Then sudenly his bulging diaper burst

When we found him Christmos morning
Way down in that gaping hole
Where there once was metal flooring
Which had melted when his sphinctor lost control

(refrain)
Grandpa caused our noses to be pained here
But since he croaked our famly will not grieve
All we want are all them stains to wash out
And in 20 years, porhaps, his smell will leave

Everyones so proud of Walter
Hes been takin it so well
Thanks to Grampas gruesome passing
Perhaps he'll purge his URL of "Hell"

The Smithsonian just called us
So did NASA, wond'ring if,
Our glad famly has decided
To donate the corpse, or else to burn the stiff
(Burn the stiff!)

(refrain)
Grandpa made a great big giant stain here
On the trailer carpet Christmis eve
You can say he did not smell repolsive
But as for me and Walter we Beleiiive


We Three E.P.A. testers are

(Sing to tune of We 3 Kings of Oreint Are)
We Three E.P.A. testers are
In our unmarked goverment car
Plastic suited, Rubber booted
Trailing a stink from afar

Deaths of livestock is why we came
One old nasty ogres to blame
Fumes so heinous from his anus
Can set the cows aflame...

Oh...OH!
Signs of plague and
Signs of blight
Species dying left and right
Toxic odor
From a floater
Left in the bowl all night

We 3 E.P.A. testers come
Bearing sprays to neutralize scum
Hose him, douse him
And de-louse him
'Specialy on his bum...

Oh...OH!

Smells of terror
Stench of fright
It could damn melt kryptonite
Us folks say
At E.P.A.
The end of the worlds in sight

Sorry. Yeah i know these are gross. BACK TO STORY