Walter Miller's Homepage

Still havent yet sold out to Disney

Earley January 1999 Update

Page 4 of 6


Yes, We finaly turned it off less than halfway thru. We coudnt bare to listen to it. Half the stuff you had to listen to 3 or 4 times becuase it was so hard to understand. Especialy at the part of his last reqeusts, which as usual were delivored in his regulor speaking voice: Yes, screamed at the top of his lungs with a cigarete cletched tight in his teeth:

...TO MY TWO DUMB BROTHERS, ZEKE AND WILLIAM:
YOU GIT SQUAT. AS IN JACK SQUAT. YOU ALL PROBLY HAD A HAND IN MY DEATH, SO ALLS YOU GIT IS THE FULL CONFIRMATION THAT YES, I INDEED HAVE BEEN HIJACKIN' AN' CASHIN' YER DAMN PENSION CHECKS.

...TO MUH ONLY SON:
GUESS WHUT, BWAH: I AIN'T YER REAL PAW...
...YER REAL PAW IS SOME OTHER CIRCUS FREAK....(JEST KIDDIN', IT'S REALLY ME...I JEST SAID THET TO GIVE YOU A MOMENT OF FALSE HOPE.)

...TO JUNIOR, MUH FRIEND AND DUMBASS NEIGHBOR WHO LIVES IN TOWN:
TAKE CARE O'MY DAWGS. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM TWO UGLY GRANDKIDS, JEST FEED THEM HOUNDS. PAMPER THEM SCRAGGLY ASS MISERABLE POOCHES. ELSE, I'LL COME BACK FROM HELL AND HAUNT YOU. AN' MEBBE EVEN KICK YOU IN YER GRAPES WITH THEM POINTY DEVIL HOOFS THEY'LL GIVE ME.

...TO MY SWORED ENEMY, (NON-FAMBLY DEPARTMENT),
THET SUMBITCH POMPOUS-ASS COUNTY CLERK:

I HEARBY DIRECT MY HAIRS AND DECENDENTS TO LEAVE EACH NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND ALL HOLIDAYS ON YER FRONT PORCH STEP A LIT PAPER BAG FULL WIT DOG DOO IN THE MANNER WHERE OF, UNDER THE FOLLOWING TERMS DESCRIBED...(BLAH BLAH BLAH...)"

...AND IN CONCLUSION I LEAVE ANY WOMAN I'D EVER BEEN INTIMATE WITH A NASTY OL' RASH, 'CEPT BY NOW THEY ALL PROBLY ALREADY KNOW THAT...

I tell you I am humilliated just to even put on my web page what was in the old basterd's will. This is the persen I am dessended from. No wondor I have so many emotionol problems.

Junior slept over that night. The next day woud be my brothor's last day in Texas beffore he had to go home. The two of them agreed that they woud spend the rest of the next day tryin to deciphor the parts of the tape we coudnt understand. Also, I had got an e-mail that said that if I didnt get off my ass and show up for work the next day i woud be fired..

What hapened at work

In a way I am glad to of went in. I had missed allot of days at work. Also, all of the frantic post-re-org meetings were over, and we were now settoling into the regular B.S. meetings which are suposed to increase morale.

But the first thing I did was go and see my dumb former boss. This pain in the ass womon told me to go on ahead to that party I wasnt invitted to. OK, it isnt her fault that I yakked on evereyone's coats, but if she didnt push me into going then I woudnt of went at all.

She was outside in Marlboro Country. No, it is not a real place -- what I am talkin abuot here is the front of any non-smoking building in the American workplace where all the smokors are forced to congrigate. She recently began the started smoking habit. I never before beleived that anyone coud be so stupid as to start smoking over age 40.

She was outside looking very unconfortable. This was because she'd been demoted from a Manager down to a Workstation Support person. This was laghable, because she knows nothin abuot computers and in fact can barely even turn one on. Knowing what a pittiful, desperate persen she is (in her own way even more desprite than me if you can beleive that), I woudnt be suprized if she just took up smoking just to hang out with the smokers. Just to hang out with anyone.

It was very cold out (but not that cold) but even still she was wearin this parka with the hood drawn tight arround her small toadlike face. I was expectin her to apollogize to me or at least say somthing suportive. But insted all she did was scowl at me and say that "if it is not work related" then she didnt have no time to talk to me. In a way i felt dejected but it also pissed me off. Also there was this tall scary looking guy with greazy hair and he staired at me too, with this angry look on his face. He had this scary hissing voice and said some rude remark about my "not being a smoker" and if I was not welcome in his world, he was not welcome in mine.

Our latest moralle booster

Like most re-orgs around here, this one ended up costing money rathor than saving it. First off, (as usual), they ended up with more managers than they have people to do the actuol work.. Rumor has it that the plan was to lay off people who made too much money, and then replace them with peoplle who made less. But the way the job markat is, they coudnt do this, and insted had to hire new people at higher salareis, because, (and this is no rumor) Cyberblop pays so crappy to begin with.

And not only did they have to hire new people, the ones who got canned will be colecting salary thruogh March or April thanks to the severence package. This is somthing that you woud of figured those thousend-doller-a-day emoticon faced fat head consultents woud of thought of, but no such luck.

So at the 11am staff meeting we all crowded into the conference room where a whole bunch of new managers introduced all of thier new lame brain departments.

They showed the new org chart up on the ovorhead projector. There were two whole new levels of little boxes which reppresented new managers, who also stood there infront of us with there arms folded.

It took me a coupel of minutes to reckognize one of the new bigshots, who looked sort of familior: It was one of the smiley emoticon consultents who helped coordinate the re-org. But he is no longer a consultent, he is now our new Executive Senior Adminnistrative Asociate Vice President of Media, Informattion and Techology, (or some such crap). The reasen why I didnt reckongize him is becuase he wasnt smiling, he now had this awful frown on his face.

"We have to do somthing about morale in this place," he barked, because the morale stinks.

...And I want to find out why.."

After a few minutes of severely lecturring us on how we shoud all be so happy in the mist of massive layoffs and backstabings, he finaly came out with the bombshell:

"...and so, hencefoward," (he lectured us), "this location of Cyberblop-a-division-of-Corporate shall use unisex facilities."

In case you dont know, this is where men and ladies share the bathroom. The stupid idiot Executtive Senior bozo blathered on about how the popularitty of the Alley McBeal show has prompted many, "progressive, foward thinking companies" into adopting unisex toilets as a means of inproving morale."

Yeah right. Like, how is my takin a crap next to some poor woman in the next stall going to make where she works a better place.

"You work for me!!"