Well, I'm sure we can resolve this in a mature way. Right, Mr. Poopypants?-- Leslie Nielsen
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For the first few hours of my being cornered, Granfather wailed and hollared and screamed, his nastey face inches from mine, his hourny clawlike toenails gripping the linolium floor as he pressed agianst the door opening, his entrence hindered by the width of the fence segment. Why the old basterd was too dumb to edge the fence in sidewayes, well I realy cant say. I am just glad he didnt.
Frightfull for my life I cowored and cringed, thinking only of two things: One, the fact that I had to pee, and two, a meagor hope that whoevor was unluckey enuogh to share a cell with Granfather while they served togethor on Death Row over in Huntzville after he killed me woud at least be somone whose ghastley crimes deserved it. As if that woud be possible, becuase you know it isnt.
After six hours went by, (based on the riddiculous things that he was screamming) I got the feeling that Granfather sort of forgot why he even came after me in the first place, but still he felt obligatted to remain blocking the door. Later that evening he fell asleap, his loud buzzsaw snores waking me up, as I too drifted off. I still had to tak a leak real bad. Yet everrytime I treid to squeaze past Granfather, the slumbering beast made these whuffly sounds like he was startin to wake up. There was a half full bottol of Windex in there and so I very carefuly peed in there and recapped it up. I tell you it was ten full ounces atleast i pissed out. I usualy can hold it like a camel and was sort of proud of myself that i kept it in so long. No, -- I did not spill a drop becuase this was somthin i learned to do as a kid when my creul granparrents used to refuse to pull the car over on the side of the road whenevor me and my brother (who used to stay with them during the Summer) went on a road trip and had to whizz in a pop bottol. And in this part of the countrey, every ride is a long road trip.
I was verry cramped in the linen closet and so i worked very quietley to remove the back wood panel which opened up a hole that led to the cubby that held the water softoner. It took me like 40 minutes to get thru this hole down into the crawlspace becuase I had certianly grown since I was nine years old, and besides, two years ago we put a speciel heavy sewage pipe in due to Granfather's habituol devastattion of most types of plumbing systoms thanks to the explosiveley toxic warhead rocketry of his poisonousley destructive ass. The man as you knoew is a living, breathing, gastrointestinol anamoly.
I wish I woud of known the danm exit pipe to the cesspool had a silent leak in it becuase as I exited the trailer floor I lost my footing and fell right onto the earth below into a small pool of noxious muck.
The next mourning I awoke to Granfather's hideous screamms. I thoght, Oh Crap! He just discovored that i was gone!
I ran out in the hallway to see the old basterd still standing watch infront of the linen closet door, blocking it with the wrohgt iron fence arround his neck. He was hollering awful names at me like "WUSS!" and "DUMBASS SUMBITCH!".
It was so strange to see what Granfather looks like from the back while he screems at me. All the veins and prickley bones from his neck stick out. I can see all his muscles clentch. It is horroble. In some ways it is more scarier than havin him look right at you.
"YOU KNOWS I KIN WAIT YOU OUT!" he hollored. In the meantime I got dressed and tiptoad outside agian and drove off to work.
Yes all day. No one seams to care that i have work to do.
The first thing I did was (of course) now run to the bathroom. It was 8:45 which was just enuogh time to commence a nice System Download and process the necesery cleanup and paperwork that comes imediatly aftorward. Just as I am readey to go inside the door, the pain in the ass boss sees me and starts trompin down the hall toword me as i pick up the pace to ecxape her, but our eyes meet and she says "Oh Walter HI!"
So then I say to her, "ECXUSE ME I WILL ONLY BE A MINUTE" while tryin to get inside the Mens room door and then she grabs my sleeve with her tiny toady hand and says, "LET ME TELL YOU ABBOUT THE ALL-DAY MEETING FIRST."
So I am standin there sqiurming and crossin my legs while she goes on and on about the friggin meeting. The thing I was so pissed abbout was that (i dont know about you) but crapping at work is allways a humilliating and somwhat gross experrience and therefore I allwayes like to be the first person of the day to come in contact with that particulor employee interface.
Along these lines neyone whose ever worked a job KNOWS that early in the AM is the best time in Corporate America to go.
At preciseley 9:00, Combover exits the restroom in a faint cloud of tainted air, nodded at my boss and sternley tapped his watch to indicate that the meeting is starting NOW. So my danm boss then began pullin me by my sleeve to drag me down the hall. I told her (a little louder than what is polite), "No, first I have to go!" and then went in the restroom.