Walter Miller's Homepage

Theres somthin to be said for consistencey...Or whattevor it is I do.

The Second of two Updates for July 1998 (coming to you in mid August)

Page 4 of 6

The meeting at work

When I left the restroom and finaly entered the conferrence room it was a quartor after nine. There was this goofy lookin guy who was running the class. He was just wrapping up the 'Introductory Agenda'. My pain in the ass boss interrupts and tells him that I was in the bathroom and missed it, and so she makes the guy read the danm 'Introductory Aggenda' one more time for the next danm 15 minnuts. She is so stuppid she seems to of forgot that I heard the Indroductery Agenda already while tryin to get into the mens room. While the goofy guy is talking, (right at me, in front of the whole class), my boss is nodding and clearin her throhgt and saying "Yes, Yes, Um-HMM!!"

She has this anoying chirpy voice and she kept interruppting to add these stupid points and dumb butthole observattions. The whole class looked like they wantad to kill me.

A whole day of work wasted.

It turns out that the goofy guy runnin the class is some charity case lackey who happans to be a freind (or mabye it is a relative) of the General Managor of Cyberblop who clearly broght him in only because he feels sorry for the guy. I later learned that the goofy guy (who was wearin a liesure suit for Godsake) had lost his job with AT&T on the East coast and now he travels arround the US giving useless semminars on subjects that have nothin to do with our jobs.

Today's seminar was abbout Customar Service and you coud easily tell that it was geared to people working in retail, but somhow he tried to fit the seminar to pertain to us peopple who work in web developpment.

We coudnt even leave to check our e-mail

This is becuase at 12 noon they broght in these greasy plastic trays of sweaty coldcuts and made us eat at our seats. And while we ate, we were suposed to have "break out time" where we were suposed to quiz one anothor on all the danm "Busines Principles" we suposedly just learned. What a pile of crap.

But we didnt get a chance to qiuz eachother because the Office Services Managor, (a real creep of a guy, who is realy no more than the head of the secreteries), barged in. He stood there with his hands on his hips to scream at us all because you are NOT suposed to have food in the conferrence room.

Then, my Boss's Boss's Boss, (who I have referred to before as The Lady Who Screams at Evereyone) started screamin back at him because the former-AT&T-re-tread-loser-liesure-suit -wearing-seminar-giver also hapenned to be HER freind too. This big loud fight went on till 2 PM until they all descided that they coudnt decide on nothin. What a frikin waste of a day.

But I had othor things to worrey about. Back home 150 miles away, Granfather was soon due to discovor my absence. So in the midst of the maylay I snuck out to make a phonecall.

I call up my freind Cathyann to help me.

Cathyann is the girl in my town who I wrote about before. (The one who is a girl and a freind but NOT my girl-freind). She is a casheir in a market in the next county and not realy suposed to get phone calls at work but this was a dire sittuation. I explianed to her the whole ugly story: That Granfather had been keepin watch at the linen closet door pinning the peice of wroght iron fence that is around his animal bastord neck hard agianst the opening to prevent my escape. Waitin for me to come out so he coud take a giant bite out of my ass. I am usualy not frightened of him but this week i truely was.

I have a tendencey to get nervous and not comunnicate well while talkin about family problems (especialy Granfather related problems) but she got the gist of it. I asked if she coud perhaps drop by with some cherry cokes and mabye some cigars and beer to play cards with Granpy or ANEYTHING that woud lure him away from his post. I woud reinburce her for the cost of those items too.

I dont know what it is -- Granfather will make a scene of his very worst behavior in front of our neighbour Junior, but not Cathyann. I think he has respect for her or else enjoyes her company becuase she is always the life of the party. Mabye it is because she is not affraid of him.

Also I told her that her boyfreind Dwaine or DuWayne (or whatever the hell his name is) who works with her at the market as a bag boy (that is where they met as a mattor of fact) is also wellcome to come over as well as long as he does not drink so mutch beer that he falls asleep on the couch (like last time he came ovor) or that the two of them do NOT start smootchin it up all romanticaly on the couch in front of the old basterd because this will bothor Granfather allot being that he has no girlfreind at present. (Also it bothors ME a little. I do not know why but mabye for the same reasen.)

Cathy Ann seemed realy busy and a little pissed that I called her at work. But she did tell me they will go ovor to our trailor right after supper. She said "DONT WORREY WALT I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL."

I was worreid the whole way home

The thing I worreid most about on the 3 hour drive back was that Cathyann had forgot. But as i pulled up I saw Duwaine's truck infront and heard her loud raspy laugh and Granfather's evil snickering from outside.

Cathyann is actualy one of the few peopple Granfather evor alowws at our house. This is because she is loud and fun. I geuss you coud call her a party girl. DuWayne is also alowed too but this is because he just sort of sits there not talking or doin nothin. I dont know if hes shy or what but alls he ever does is say 'Howdy' when he comes in and then he just sits there with his beer.

A powdor keg defused

As soon as I opened the frontdoor I saw Granfather no longer squatted by the closet door, but now sittin at the kitchin table playin cards with Cathyann. Whe he saw me he gave me a perfect Hollywood double-take. The pointytoothed devil grin on the cruel beast's face sudenly dropped off into an angry scowl, as he looked toword the door of the linen closet -- the closet he thoght I was hiding from him in for the last 3 days. A few heaps of cigar ash as well as a few wet disgousting puddles were visible right at the closet entrence, signs of the bastord's vigil of murderrous anticipation.

"IS THET UGLY-ASS YOU I'M LOOKIN' AT RIGHT NOW, OR THET BROTHER O'YORES?" he demmanded. (I do look a little bit like my brothor and I guess this was a naturol working conclusion of Granpy's tiny brain.)

Cathyann broke in and said YES it was me, and while her and DuWauyne held each side of the iron fence to restrain the old basterd they made him PROMISE not to hurt me. After a bunch of angry bloodcourdling screams, Granfather finaly calmed down. A few minutes lator he was squatted at the kitchon table finishing up a giant bag of some Stubbs barbeceu take-out (one of his favorites) that I had bought for him as a peace offoring. Finaly, his pompous pride subbsided enuogh for him to talk to me in a civil yet forked tounge.

"JEST TELL ME ONE THING," he grunted. "HOW'D YOU GIT OUT O'THET CLOSET, BOY?"

I told him I snuck out through the front when he dozed off. He then violantly threw a well-chewed barbeceu rib right at my face and also sputtoring allover me with food in his moulth as he screamed, "YOU LYING LITTLE WUSSY SUMBITCH!"

"I KNOWS ABOUT THE SECRET PASSAGE," he hollored like a savage annimal.

"I DONE USED TO HIDE IN THET THERE CLOSET FROM GRANNY MUSELF."

I do not like to be treatted this way especialy infront of my freinds and so I said to him in sort of a rude way, "If you alredy knew how i excaped then WHY BREAK MY BALLS ABBOUT IT."

I ran off to the bathroom to wash my face and I heard Granfather mutter to our guests, "Y'ALL THINK I'M A MONSTER.

"Y'ALL WOUDNT B'LEEVE HOW ORNERY MUH DEAD WIFE'D GIT NEAR HER WOMANLY TIME O'THE MONTH."

Cathyann started luaghing, which is somthing no one else ever woud of done. On the other hand, Granfather woud never of let anyone get away with laughhing either.

OH NO.

I cannot beleive how stupid I am. I cant belleive that I alowed guests to come into our house to help me resolve a fight I had with Granfather, a fight that involved a giant crap he took on the floor that both of us refused to clean up. I was dryin my face in the bathroom when I realized this.

Full of horror and enbarassment as it dawned on me that a cement-parking-space-barrier-sized turd was right there for all to see, I bolted out of the bathroom to see six squares of linolium tile missing from the hallway floor where it used to be. This was extremly humilliating for me.

I was so enbarased for Granfather

Why was i enbarased for him? Becuase the man is incappable of being enbarased for himself. Poor Cathyan and Duwanye presumabley had to clean up the mess. I felt so terribble. I woud not mention anything to them but mabye after they went home I woud get them a nice present like tickets to the dinner theator or somthing to thank them for there help.

I went into my room to change my clothes when sudenly I discovored that one of my shoes was off. There on the floor of MY BEDROOM was six squares of linolium floor tile with the giant creation benneath it. Sunk two inches in was one of my shoes. When i treid to pull it out it was stuck in there like cemment. Granfather as you know is cappable of turnin his head conpletely behind himself like in the movie The Exorcist. I saw him do this thru the crack in my bedroom door, and as he swung the fence arround it knocked poor fatass DuWauyne backword on his butt.

"HOPE YOU DON'T MIND," Granfather called to me down the hall with his crinkoled mirthfull eyes.

"AS SOON AS I'D SEEN GUESTS PULL UP, I DONE DRUG 'LADY-CAROLINE - O - BRUNSWICK' INTO YOUR ROOM, BOY."

The 'creattions' that Granfather is the most proudest of allways get fancy lady's names. Some of my most horriffic childhood memories involve masses of biomatter which include "Elenor of Aquitaine" and "The Dutchess Of Windser".

I saw so danm pissed i thoght i was gonna scream. Insted I sat down on the bed and started cryin. Cathyann came into my room and put her arm arround me. She lit up a cigarate which is somthin i normolly dont allow in my room, but i have to tell you, the way it smelt in there already thanks to Lady Carroline, I woud of been happy to accept one of those Holoween prank papper bags of dog doo on fire right on my frikkin pillow.

As Granfather shrieked from the kitchen in cruel mocking glee that I was a big crybaby, Cathyann comforted me and told me that she had found somthing to distract the old basterd -- somthing that woud give him a sence of evil purpoce. Yes, somthing that coud posibly change his evil life:

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