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The first of two Updates for July 1998

Page 1 of 6


I cannot tell you how hot it is arround here. The tempratures have got over 110 degreas Farenhight. You can fry an egg right on eithor the pavemant or Granfather's equaly hard fourhead. (Not that you woud want to). Some of our dogs were close to death from the heat and evry few hours Ive been goin outside to hose them down. The othor day on July 13 the Foxnews.com headline read "Texas Becomes Beastly Underworld as Temps climb past 110."

Oh yeah, well let me tell you somthing. Every day is a Beastley Undorworld when you have to deal with YOU KNOW WHO.

Yes the old bastord has been a horror to get along with. It is now starting to realy bothor him that he has no girlfreind. As you know the womon he was dating has dumped him. This has made him grumpior than ever. In his pride he wont admitt it. Insted his anger is dirrected at the TV set. Dispite his packed schedloule of continuolly being a pain in the ass and abusing friends and loved ones, Granfather somhow is also able to sqeueeze in over 20 waking hours each day watching TV. Not that he likes what he is seeing, but just to frikkin scream at it.

The Clinton Test

One way to gage how Granfather is feeling is by observing his reaction to Predisent Clinton. Granfather as you know from my mentionning it before, is a Demacrat and is also a big fan of Mr. Clinton.

In adition to voting for him, (and even giving money to both his Presidentol campains AND his legel defense fund) Granfather alwways has admired the freindly optimism and confiddent personality of our pale, portly yet vigorously amorous leader. Yet there is a dark side to the bastord's admirration, and it allways comes out whenevor Granfather DOSENT HAVE A GIRLFREIND. It is during these times that the disgousting lech (Granfather, not Clintin), becomes disenchanted and turns to directing his vitupperous howls of disapproval at the President's large sunny flushed simperring face so domminent on our TV screens these last six years.

And yes, it is out of PROFESIONAL JEALOSSY. Part of it is becuase Mr. Clintin is the first President who is youngor than Granfather. This is a constent remminder that Granfather hasnt done much with his own misorable life as well as Gramp's own fleeting mortallity. The othor part to the old basterd's jeallousy is that the president simply gets more "tail" than he does.

I knew there were probblems the othor night when he wanted to go out to supper at the steak house in the next county which holds a Singles Night. I borowwed Junior's pickup to drive him due to his awkwordly ensconced posittion which I wrote abuot in my last update, concerning Granfather's atachment to a peice of County-owned property. Two times in the last year Granfather had good luck pickin up women at this place.

But this time, it was a dissastor.

After reppeated catcalls to middle aged female prospects of, "HEY GOOD LOOKIN!'" and also, "EXCUSE ME AIN'T YOU ONE O' THE DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS?", as well not saying a thing at all, but catching there eye and doing this extremly disgousting thing he does with his tounge, while winking, (dont luagh, if the womon is suficiently drunk and ugly it somtimes works), Granfather came up emptey.

Finaly with a sigh, he shuffoled over back to the table and slumped in his chair.

"WHUT'S WRONG WITH ME, BOY?" he grumped while looking down and pokin his baked potatoe with his fork.

I said to him, "WELL, for starters you got a danm wrouhgt iron fence arround your frikkin neck." He glowered back at me glumly, like one of those angry giant saltwater crocoddiles on a nature show who got stranded way out on barrier sandbar one typhoon seasen a long time ago and as a ressult hasnt mated in 7 years.

"IF'N A WOMAN CAIN'T ACCEPT GRAMPY HOW HE IS, THEN GRAMPY DON'T WANT HER."

Yeah, rihgt, Ill beleive that when pigs sprout wings and fly.

Then, glancing up at the TV set over the bar, Granfather saw some news footege of the President playin golf in the Carribbean last fall. I saw Granfather's yellow cobra eyes narrow, and his face wash with a deep blush of jealosy. He sneered sarcausticly somthin dumb about the Presiddent's "wearin white after Labor Day." I was so enbarassed for the old tasteless reptile. (Granfather, not Clinton).

Later on at home: Hollerin at the TV

Granfather also demanded I switch the TV set on even beffore he'd threadded his scraggly body in the front door with the fence atached to him. He was in the mood to hollar and scream at the TV and so he did, non stop over the next few days.

Also the stuppid qeustions

He also has a habit of hollering dumb questons at me while watchin TV. Somtimes I dont mind when he just vents his spleen by holloring. But lately I do NOT like to be talked to in a mean tone of voice. Some of the stuppid things he asked that I had to endure:

  • WUZN'T THAR AN OLDER BROTHER ON THE FIRST SEASON OF HAPPY DAYS? TELL ME I AIN'T DREAMIN'. TELL ME!!

  • JACKY JUDD ON ABC NEWS SURE IS THE CUTEST ONE O'THE JUDDS. BUT IS SHE WYNONA'S SISTER OR HER MAW? TELL ME, BOY!

  • THET LITTLE CARTOON FELLER 'ARTHUR' WITH THE EYEGLASSES: IS IT A DOG, OR A COW OR A GOAT? TELL ME BOY!

  • WHY'D THEY CHANGE TEN-3-2-1 TO TEN-TEN-3-2-1 JUST AS SOON AS I MEMORIZED IT? WHY ARE THEY MESSIN' WITH GRANPY'S HAID?"

  • ONE DANM OSCAR, AND HELEN HUNT NOW MAKES MORE MONEY THAN MOEESHA. YOU TELL ME IF THET'S FAIR, BOY.
  • Of cuorse livin with Granfather is like livin with some sort of maniac. None of the stuppid things he says makes sence. Then the next night, his new favorrite show, Ally McBeal was on. I prayed silently that the eppisode woud NOT be the one abbout Glenn, the nakad male model in the art class who has the giant male sexaul organ the size of somone's arm who Ally has to draw and who she lator has quicky sex two times with in the middol of the day. (And peoplle think my website is gross). I dont know abbout where you live, but arround here, theyve already shown this danm eppisode mabye 4 times this year.

    But it was on. I had to phisicaly restrain Granfather from acidentally crackin his danm head open as he sprang from the couch to change the channol. Remember he has that danm fence around his neck.

    But the worst was from more covorrage of CLINTON

    You know, I guess I am just as concerned with maintainning good rellations with China as much as aneyone else. (Hell, sure I dont want them pointing all their new nuculor missiles at us.) But even still I wish the Clintons did NOT go to China.

    Granfather hasnt stopped screammin abbout this trip to China for 2 weeks now. The two main stickling points is that they bruoht a thousand people with them, if you count up all the aides and staffers. The othor was Mrs. Clinton's specialy made custom toilet which travelled arround with her and that the news reporters said cost $23,000.

    "SO MISS HILLARY CAIN'T LEARN TO 'HOVER' LIKE A LADY," Granfather shoutad at the televisoin. "REAL AMMURRICANS PLANT THEIR CHEEKS RIGHT FLAT ON THE BOWL, LIKE MISSUS NIXON DONE DID, BACK IN '72."

    I said to him, "Granfather what is your PROBLOM." But he didnt answor. I sugested it was becuase he missed having a girlfreind. But in his pride he woud not admitt it. I beggan to share with him that somtimes I have the same problems. I too have insecurrities and lonelyness. Perhaps I figuored opening up to him woud help. He ignorred me for a few minnuts still pokin at his potatto and prettending I wasnt there. It was unconfortabble for him, I coud tell. Then, looking away he began whackin his fork on the iron fence railing abbove his head to catch the atention of the waitress to bring him more beer. I said to him, 'Granfather, you must confront your feelings if you are evor going to move on.'

    Finaly thew old geazer called me a 'touchy-feely-sissy' and told me to shut the hell up and act like a man: Becuase he alredy WAS a man -- not like me. And if i did not shut up he woud "confront the feelings of the nerve endings in the lowor part of my body" by springin across the table and takin a giant bite out of my ass.

    Just then anothor womon walked by. She had a torpedo Texas beehive shellecked into the consistency of fiberglass, had lipstick on her teeth and was wearrin white orthapedic shoes: Three things that drive Granfather wild. He called out to her anothor one of his pittiful pick-up lines:

    "WHOA, DARLIN!

    IF'N I COUD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET, I'D PUT 'U' AND 'ME' TOGETHER!"

    What he REALLY means is he woud put "U" and "I" togethor. But he is so dumb he forgets to say it right.

    I am driven to increase my therappy

    (Yes and i will explain it right aftor this next screen):

    Granfather's Top Pick-up Lines -- And bellive it or not at one time or annothor Ive heard him use every one.