Walter Miller's Homepage

Weve alredy lasted one-third as long as Seinfeld.

The first of two Updates for July 1998

Page 6 of 6


A teribble fight

As soon as i got off the phone and i saw the healthey orange pallor flush ovor the basterd's face, I knew that the airconditionning had revived him. I knew it was time for action. Granfather was going to PAY for makin this awful load on the floor.

He sat there squatted on the floor like an evil spider, steadying himself as he leaned, balancing the bottom egde of the huge fence necklace so it rested on the floor while his gnarled, allmost fleshless cronelike fists curled arround the bars on eithor side of him.

Still completly ass-nakad and crouched in a way that his boney kneecaps rose way abbove the level of his mucky scalp, Granfather slowly chewed a Don Cesar cigar while completely ignoring me he queitly mouthed the words to a song from West Side Story which was playing on TV as he sang along while stairing at the screen, grunting out like a croaking monster,

"I FEEL PRIT-TY!

"OH, SO PRIT-TY!

"I FEEL PRITTY! AND WITTY! AND GAAAY!"

I got the box of Sani-Wipes and slowly came up behhind him. Taking the stainless steel spatula in my hand I lightley tapped him on the shouldor. My heart was beatting because like i said I am not good at confronting people. (Or in this case, NON-people). Granfather didnt respond. I said, "PLAESE PAY ATENTION TO ME."

Still, nothing. I whispored to him that he woud HAVE to clean up the giant load he made on the floor, and asked him if he woud like to use rubbor gloves, garden gloves or abbestos gloves. (This is all part of a type of animal phsychology the doctor told me to use on Granps: First, I present him with a choice rathor than an ultimattum -- in this case a choise on what gloves to use. Secondley, Granfather does not have to clean up the WHOLE crap, but onley part of it. This is to show accountabillity. Just like when a child breaks a $200 window playing ball in the neihgbor's yard when you had told him NOT to, he has to pay for some of it from his alowwance even thuogh he will never be able to pay for it all. Yes, two peices of psychollogy: For a uniqeu patient with the reasonning of a child and the brain of an annimal.)

I am ignoared.

Finaly I got the needelnose plyors that we are using to change the channols on the TV set and clamped it on his ear. The bastord flinched. The doctor said dont worrey this wont hurt him. Then I waived the spattula in front of his face so the thin steel perforrated blade made a distinct Woopi! Woopi! Woopi! noise. A noise that studdies have shown is repuggnent to most species of carnivorrous predators when retired in the nest or den. Granfather apeared iritatted and closed his eyes.

He treid to spring away but coud not. He made a whuffly grunting noise. A noise of irritated regret. The sort of noise a cornered ape makes in the zoo when he knows that he has repeatedley refused to take his medicine, and then the zookeepor now sudenly apears with a supossitory version of the pill in his hand which the danm ape imediatly knows is goin up the othor end and at this point there isnt a danm thing he can do about it.

I throw down the gauntlett

In the movies the guantlet is an arm-leghnth glove made of chainmail armour and black leathor. But in our house it is made of Number 3 gauge green colorred latex rubbor. It hit our cheap indoor-outdoor living room carpat with a rubbory slap.

"Put it on and start cleannin up that danm load," I said in a firm voice. I shook a plastic grocerry bag in front of his face, makin anothor noise which animals dont like. He is silent and pinches his eyes shut tightor, his ugly gaiping nostrils openning and closin slowley.

Sudenly as if he coud tell my guard is down for one seccond he springs up howling like a craized beast. Did you evor see An American Wearwolf in London. Do you know how the beast beccomes so hulking and large. It is like that. This was no skinney old basterd. He leaps up withall his teeth baired and roarring like a monstor. On all fours he chaised me and i dont have to tell you I was almost crappin in my own pants in fear. The bastord bounded aftor me on all fours and chaised me down the naroww hall of our trailer. I nevor ran so fast in my life.

Facing a dead end as well as sure death, I dove into the linen closet at the very end of the house, cowering, my hands upto my face, cringing, recoiling in terrer, flinching, blanching, shuddering and awaitting mortol demise as the prey of his horney claws, his savage bloodlust, his massive long fangs, now protractad to thier full two inch long lenhgth by his shining, foamming, dripping gums.

Rathor than crumpol into a ball I descided to face death head on. My back to the linen closat wall, my hands now gripped stacks of towols, white towols. White becuase he hasnt touched them yet. My throaght was bared so he coud rip it open quickley. Bettor to die fast than have him tear my limbs off while I...while I...Uh-oh, no time to think. The beast just spranged into the air, claws splayed, tusks gnashed, and his jaw, his lower jaw, way openned, anacondalike and unhinged...the bastord sails into an arc abbove me and then...and then...

Clank!

Well then ovbiously the bars of the fence arround Granfather's neck hit flat agianst the doorway as he treid to dive in. He coudnt get into the closset more than stickin his ugly head in. His angry demmonnic face was an inch from mine, and his jaws snapped togethor with the sound of his teeth hittin like two thick sheets of feildstone patio slate smackin each othor on their broadsides.

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SISSY PANSY-ASS SUMBITCH!" he thundorred. You may of wondorred why this update took so long and also why some of my e-mail has gone unanswored. It is becuase I ended up bein stuck in the linen closet THREE DAYS.

IN THE NEXT UPDATTE YOU WILL SEE WHAT ELSE HAPENNED AND FIND OUT HOW I GOT OUT.

I am hoping to have my next Updat finished in abbout 10 days. Please bear with me. I AM catching up.

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