Walter Miller Homepage

If Brook Shields can say "fart" on her TV show in prime time I reffuse to be made to feel like a cultuoral pariah, Damnit.

March 97 Update

Page 2 of 5


OK Im startin to sound shrill so i will stop. Ill touch on my problems at work later. In the meantime theres more truoble at home with GRANFATHER. As you know his girlfreid recently found out he cheated on her. They had a big fight & she ran off sayin she never wants to see him agian.

He starts with the watorworks

No one can pretend to cry bettor than GRANPY. Not olny does he weep he makes himself get tears. The woman was ready to leave & he starts bawling then howling. He begged her & even got on his knees. Man was I enbarassed for the old basterd.

She stormed out of the trailor & drove off and i said, Granfather, how coud you behave like that? He said ITS JUST AN ACT, BOY and he was doin it olny for sex & one day Id undorstand. But i noticed his eyes were still fullof tears; I told him they were still drippin. He looked very suprizsed and then rolled off to the bathroom.

Stupid Granfather trick

The old beast hollered for me to come in there with him screaming TAKE A LOOK: THAT THAR'S WHISKY. IT WORKS! IT WORKS! I never remember him bein so happy.

Lets back up a minute here. As you know the old ogre wants more than anything to get in the Giuness book of Records. Well a few months ago he was watchin the Jenny Jones show. Each year Jenny showcases people who can do unusaly crazy things--sort of like Leterman's Stupid Pet Tricks but much more weird. Theres a man who eats glass & another who blows a baloon up thru his nose.

Well they had a 17 year old girl on Jenny Jones 2 times who can make the most incredoble burps but most impresively can make milk come out of her eyes. Its really amazing. She takes a drink then bites down hard and allof a sudden milk wells up aruond her eyes and dribbols down her face. The audeince goes crazy. The girl is cute too.

Well granfathers VERY HOT for Jeny Jones & never misses a show. He sees this particulor show and now he cant live unless he coud do the same. He started with water. He took a gulp and tryed to force it evrywere turning red screamin howling & shaking. He can make it come out of his nose, no problem, but THAT realy isnt a trick.

Practice maks perfect

Hed ben practiccing for the past 2 months. I kept it out of my webpage as he has some freinds who woud write him to encuoroge a behavor that I beleived placed his worthless subhuman brutish animol life at risk. Yet still he kept practocing. When his girlfreind was out of town evory day shed call up & start the convorsation by askin him: Got Milk?(TM).

Once while trying to do the trick Granfather fainted and I called the doctor. He said if he doesnt quit he coud give himself a stroke or atleast a damn embollism plus he risks eardrum injury & infection of the Hughstation tube.

Other medicol risks

Othor risks include blindness or encepholitis: As all comerciel dairy products normoly spoil instantly upon contact with his rancid gamy skin the old beast risks an oculor yeast infectoin of the retina which coud even travel up his sinus to damage his small, rudomentary evolving develeping primate brain, (which, i imagine, the portion where 'judgement' resides has alredy been long ago very much dammaged indeed.)

But does he care?

Does he heed the pleas of people who care abuot him & worry for his health? Hell no. If you read my last update you alredy know he has a mean yeast infecton on his clamdigger. I ask rhettorocally: Does he want the same on his tiny primitive primevil primordiol proto-simian brain? Misorable disgusting basterd.

Eureka: Habeus Milkus

But Febuary 18 is the day granfather discovored the secret trick: By making those fake crocadile tears he can push liqoud out of his eyes. (Or atleast how the trick works with HIS beastly phisiology--remember, the fact he was even born is a creul trick of nature.)

YOU BETTOR TELL NO ONE HOW I FIGGERED OUT THE SECRET granfather said. He threatoned if I did tell that hed rip my ribs out thru my anus all in one peice then make a crown roast out of it and then shove the whole thing down my throaht pointy end first. Yeah right like Im realy goingto TELL anyone.

GIT ME THE 7UP AN' GIT JENNY ON THE PHONE

Granfather always pointed out this was a 'win-win' situattion for him being that if he coud make milk come out his eyes he woud get to be on Jenny Jones--but if he only hurt himself by merely trying, he coud surely sue sombodys ass for airing a program encuoroging it.

The Jiuces are flowing