Walter Miller's Homepage

"Where mediocrity meets authenticity in the synergy of bad taste"
--what my corporate mision statement woud say if i had one

Mid-March 97 Update

Page 5 of 6


So my freind Levi visited anyway. He was alredy in Texas on busines so i asked him over. We met in Internet World. lastyear I dont have many frends, its hard for me to open up. Plus Im in a career rut. I am in need of mentoring. Granps was mad I invited a guest in his expected absence but he genoraly behaved--Atleast AT FIRST. He was preocupied with his upcoming legol battles and was on conference call with his lawyer and the plaintifs tryin to setlle out of court. At one point he called one a 'lickspittle' & another a WUSSY. These are NOT words to use when your tryin to settle out of cuort.

Field study Day

After lunch the big white Ford van from the universety came to take Grampy on his monthly study. As I wrote before, the old medical anomaly is under study at a college i cant name. They take him for half a day twice a month & pay him $300 to poke prod & examine. They are cryptozologists who deal in the discovory of new animal species and are very secretive & serius. Granfather calls them 'The Lone Gunman' after Mulder's 3 geeky conspirocy obsesed frends in the X-Files.

They belive the old bastord is a uniqeu yet undiscovored form of animal life. The van is a mobile lab where they observe him in a unshackoled habatat. The only thing hes not aloud to do is smoke in the van. And if he hasto pee or crap its in a plastic cup: NOT the floor.

5 beast-free hours

No, thats NOT a new ISP offer: Its what those reserchers give me twice a month & Im glad for it. Gramps wheels out to greet them & asks exitedly FIND ANY FEMALES LIKE ME? IM ITCHIN' TO BREED, ILL DO IT FER NO EXTRA COST. I said to them, Oh, Hes ITCHIN alright. But the rash is near gone.

As he leaves, he turns to me holding up that curved linolium knife and growls that if i so much as show Levi any of his colectible treasures hell personaly dismember me "GIBLET BY GIBLET" down to the moleculor level.

AS THEM DOGS ARE GITTIN' MEAT IN THERE DIET, YOU BETTOR WATCH IT BOY, Y'HEAR? The 3 sceintists furriously scribble this down in there notes & tap it in there laptops.

They came back after supper. Me & Levi were atthe kitchon table. He was helpin me with my resume. I had the crapiest resume you evor saw. I even had stuff spelt wrong on it. I need to find more work cause my enployer cut my hours for poor porformance. All this week Im on somthing called "trial furluogh" where you dont work AT ALL.

GoodTimes: NOT

For people my age Goodtimes is a mysterous PC virus that dosnt exist. But on cable theres a old TV show that granfather sings the theme of to torment me. He enters the room just as i say the word trial furlough and allof a sudden I hear:
TEMPORAREY LAYOFFS: GOOD TIMES! EASY CREDIT RIPOFS: GOOD TI-IMES...
You know how it goes. Its a sore point for anothor reason: I watched Goodtimes with Granpy last April Fool day & he told me the guy who plays J.J. later had another career, and wrote the originol Worldwide Web interface with Dr Tim-Bernerslee. But as J.J.was a contracter he got no credit. My brother was in onthe joke too. I swore this fact to people at work & I made a giant ass of myself.

A Warning

Granfaher seemed happy & refreshed from his outing. Somtime durin the day they fitted him with a new cardbord pet collar as the one he was wearin was soggy & torn. They put Houston Rocket bumpor stickors allover the new one--he liked that.

The head zoologist takes me aside to brief me on that day's sceintific findings. Meanwile the other 2 zologists are in there regular spots: One is onthe sofa entering data; the 3rd guy's bent over the john retchin his guts out--As usual. Except this time I have to send Levi in the loo to tell him the toilets busted & plaese use the one outside.

They warn me: Keep Granps OFF THE NET for 1 week atleast. If he gets on he MAY get violant. I said what ELSE is new. He explaned his new THEORY.

We alredy know that Granfather is constantly paranoid that the Web secretly controls peoples minds with inpulses of light to your brain--mostly 'secret orders' on buying habits. Also to 'Trust the Net' whatever that means. Also 'recycle' and 'wear condoms' and 'Al Gore in 2000'. It controls even minor things like silent mesages to floss daily and eat pasta sallad and drink Zima.

Acordin to my demented paronoid granfather it all started with cooky tecnology and hidden chips in the new ugly $100 bill.

The Theorey is this: