STAR TREK SPOOF (UNTITLED) page 3

GEORDI: I've got it!

RIKER: Stand down Red Alert.

GEORDI: Now what, Captain?

PICARD: Beam it to Zero-zero-one point-six mark two on my command.

GEORDI: B-But Captain, that would put it directly...

PICARD (hand raised)...Engage!

RIKER: I love when you say 'Engage', Captain. I used to collect toy trains, and what I'm looking at right now is, heh, heh, heh, definitely 'N-Gauge'

WORF: (outraged) Captain! a large piece of...of Patokh has somehow mysteriously appeared on my console!

PICARD: (broad smile) Get used to it, Mr. Worf. I shall designate it...'Captain's Log!'

WORF: But Captain!

RIKER: (menacing) Do you have a problem, Lieutenant?

PICARD: Oh, I feel so much better!

TAMARIAN OFFICER: Mirab, his robe unfurled, his cheeks spread wide.

PICARD: I feel like I need a smoke! Or at least a tea, Earl Grey, hot.

DATA: I believe the replicators are still offline.

PICARD: Oh yes, I forgot. Merde.

RIKER: Ha Ha, Merde indeed, eh, Mr. Worf?

WORF: Even a Romulan would not show a warrior such...Dishonor.

TROI: (frightened) Captain...I sense life forms...Thousands of them!

PICARD: Impossible.

DATA: Counselor Troi is correct, Captain. The life forms consist mostly of human gut-borne E.coli bacteria.

TROI: (holding her head) There are...so MANY of them! In danger! Crying for help!

PICARD: No need to overact, counselor.

DATA: Actually, there are approximately 600 million individual bacteria, 79% of them beneficial, from 36 distinct worlds. Some of these life forms appear to have been, until now, undiscovered...

PICARD: YES, Mr. Data! Please! There is no need to be so...tiresome!

BEVERLY: Jean-Luc! What's got into you?

WORF: (angry) I know what has come out of him. It now festers here on my console and has begun a sliding descent down the smooth surface of the touchpad.

RIKER: (angry) Then clean it up, Lieutenant!

WORF: (low Klingon snarl) Rrrrrhh!

PICARD: I don't know what's the matter with me. By now, I would not expect to feel so annoyed, but somehow, I feel something hanging on...Yes, hanging on.

BEVERLY: This tricorder scan shows another small piece of fecal matter!

GEORDI: (on speaker) She's right, Captain. (Sigh!) I didn't get it all.

PICARD: I feel it hanging, clinging on...A cling-on!

WORF: (outraged) A Klingon!

DATA: Before sound-wave based colonic evacuation units were perfected in the late 21st Century, such residual fecal knobs or "trouser chili" as it was commonly known was also referred to as a "cling-on"

WORF: (loud snarl) AAAARrrrrhh!

PICARD: Calm yourself, Mr. Worf. For your sake, we shall call it...we shall call it: 'Captain's Log, Supplemental.'

(The crew erupts in laughter; Data furrows his brow in puzzlement)

RIKER: Very clever, Captain.

PICARD: Thank you Number One...AND Number Two!

DATA: I fail to see the humor in the situation.

WORF: And neither do I! This entire incident is a violation Starfleet Regulations

DATA: On the contrary, Mr. Worf. Today we have consummated much of the crux of the Prime Directive: We have explored a strange new world--that of intra-intestinal subspace; And with the Captain's sampling of native Tamarian food these last few weeks, we have made the discovery of eleven new bacterial life forms--we have sought out new life, and new civilization.

PICARD: We've done one better than that, Mr. Data.

DATA: Sir?

PICARD: Today I have been able to "Boldly GO where no one has gone before!"

(They all laugh)

THE END


Hope you like it-send comments e-mail: walter_miller@hotmail.com

by Walter Miller, 1996

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