Walter Miller Homepage

Granfathers Windoews 95 tip of the day: "TO AVOID PROBLEMS, ERASE THE WHOLE DANM THING FROM YOUR COMPUTOR AN PUT ANY OTHER FRIKKIN OPERATIN SYSTAM YOU KIN FIND ON IT INSTEAD"

Nov 96 Update

Page 4 of 8


IM SO GLAD

I went out an got Chinease food around 6 pm and my phone rings its granfather. He sais HES READY TO FORGIVE ME. Yeah right. This is a ploy the old basterd does. He wants YOU to opollogize to HIM.

IM SORRY GRANFATHER

YES I gave in and apolagized. Our whole family was counciled years ago to just humor the mean old beast when he demands you say your sorry.

Granfather said they were still "fummigating" his room in Flusching (you coud imagine what his room smeled like) so he was right around the corner from my motel at a payphone. He came inside and we had the food that was realy more than i coud eat by myself and I put him inthe bathtub durin supper cause he eats like a lurrid ferocious monster sprayin brown suace and pork freid rice egg peices all over the place and this way its easy to clean him off afterword: you just turn on the shower. Also in the shower you dont have to look athim while he eats and while you eat.

At home in Texas he eats in the shower more and more. We even got a garboge disposal for the showor drain at home for all the food scraps. Plus all the crustey things and dead insect that fall off his body and also hard dryed nose and eye boogers. If a wad of wirey hair from his body gets in there it will jam the motor thats how thich and strong his hairs are. I cant begin to tell you how reppulsive and uterly non human granfather is. The people at this motel will be finding damn rice grains peices of egg and tiny pork nodules in this room for the next year including a few enbedded in the drop ceiling tiles.

Also with those chinese food contianors you have to be REAL careful of those metal wire handles. When granfather sees that fammilier white paper takeout box he instinktively dives for the wire handle and tears it off with his teeth. That box coud have your danm stool sample in there but he doesnt care--this is how he opens them. When the sides of the box collapse downword to reveal its contents, he rappidly inspects whats there and if he likes what he sees hell grunt aprovvingly and then suck it down in one second with no hands just his big open moulth. The problemn is sometimes he swallows the metol wire handles.

I had wrote about how the giant Reagon cheese was sourgicly removed in Septamber. While they Xrayed him they found 4 of these wire handels in his stomac all badly rusted plus a metal nail file, some pennys, bottle caps, a few alunimum light bulb stumps and--(SORRY but this is real disguisting)--the bottom teeth plate of his gruesome hiddeous sepulchralously ghastley old wench girlfreind. She had been lookin for her plate in our trailor for weeks and even acused me of stealin it. MUST OF HAPENNED WHEN WE WERE SUCKIN FACE ONE NIGHT IM SUCH A DANM GOOD KISSER granfather said just after he came out of annasteashia and they told him what they found.

Another time during a stay at the hospitol the nurses nicknamed him "Cournal Klink" cause everytime he dropped logs in the porcelein bed pan it made a metalic clink.

The last time he was in the hospitel they also xrayed his head becuase i noticed a greenish white weird thing that kept growin out of one of his ears. I just clipped it like it was a hair but once it had a small leaf on it so i pulled it out hard. It was defonitly bottanicol. Well a head Xray revealed a whole slew of seeds and pits up granfathers nose some over a half centery old. Yes he used to poke chery and peach pits plus any exottic seed or spore up his nose to entertain other younstors in his twisted diabollicol childhood. One of those pits from a rare West Affrican pod tree took root on his brainstem and grew beansproutlike tendrels in all his sinusses. Hes lucky it didnt stranguoulate him. Our famly doctor sprayed a mix of minerol oil and undilutted Round Up in his ears and said its toxic and if we were lucky it woud kill the plant but if we were REAL lucky it woud kill the pateint too. Only the plant died. But I digress. Back to our NYC adventoure.

After supper granfather usualy has a tall glass of Metamucil with tabblespoon of powdored Monosoddoium Glutamate in it but this night we passed on the MSG thanks to all the Chinnese food. Granfather loves to eat raw MSG.

LETS GO PICK US UP SOME TAIL, BOY

Us two Texas batchelors woud surely be pretty slim pickins for New York women lookin for love on a Monday nihgt in Long islond City Queens and fortounatley i was able to talk him out of it. Instead we watched the World Sereis on TV at a cornor bar.

I hear the detailes of his day