Walter Miller Homepage

If Steven King ever had a nihgtmare it woud be about Granfather.

Nov 96 Update

Page 7 of 8


Recepie For Sucess

Back in my motel I got the monster ready for a respectoble evening out. First I helped him crap--the demonic loud grunts an yelps made the room shake and WHOA the stink buckled the linoliem floor. (The humping next door stopped). Then I scrubed his entire gnarled body with a new recipe of strong ilegal soap and Benadine soulotion with a powerdrill with a wirewheel brush atachment. It doesnt hurt his skin. Then I blowdreyd his whole body and next i drenched him with drycleaning fliud and rolled him in a mix of Ajax and Gold Bond Powdor like a breaded veal cutlat and sat him in the tub till it caked up then washed him off again.

During his 2nd routine soaking in white vinegor I took the $84 he made begging an boght him cheap slacks, a blazer and shirt for the Cybor Media event. When i returned I Car-Vacked off of him the final crusty nodules, dead bugs and dried deelybobboly crap balls hangin from his long wiry body hairs. Finaly, to get that healthy orangey brown burnt hotdogskin patina on his leathory outer eppodermal husk I rubbed pure oil of Citronela into his cracked bumpy rhinocserouslike hide with a Chamie cloth and buffed it hard all during Threes Company till it was shiny and suppel. Pure Oil of Citranela is normaly toxic to humans as it contains halogenated hydrocarbons but is good for killing and repeling dermal invertobrates on non-human specomins like granfather. Also it kills worms and lice. Granfather cursed and screamed cause the Threes Conpamy we saw was one ofthe later ones with Don Knots instead of Mr Roper and the Suzane Somers replacment blonde.

After supper we made our apointed conforence call with my dad and his lawyor in Califonria and granfathers laywer in Texas. We agreed that if The Beast promised to behave that night Id take the iron ring off his nose, also the cardboard animal coller-cone which was now part of his regolur attire since the summer. During the phonecall Granfather was also forced to make one more consesscion:

NO MORE WIRED

Im sorry to report that on doctors orders plus a family decsision we must keep granfather AWAY from Wired magazine. This months WIRED got him extremely adgitated for 2 reasons: First was the Montey Python Holey Grail CD ad on page 145 featoring the line from the movie I Fart In Your Genoral Direction. The same ad is in Computer Gaming magazine but the Wired ad DID NOT have the scractch and sniff fart peice like the other one did and it made him violently angry. I wont write about it now but I had to call the cops to our trailor. On my Computer Gaming isseu, he scrached it all off with his hourny fingernails. As I said he wants my book to be a scracth and sniff book. Its just one of many creatove difrences were having.

The 2nd reason: WIRED has a right to print whatever they like but must realize certain imature famly membors maybe in the houshold and see things there not suposed to: Like the nakad blue lady on page 196. Its the closest thing tothe Green Lady from Lost in Space who HES NUTS ABOUT exept this one has no clothes on. (His love for that Green lady is proof hes a true alein.)

A few pages later theres a guy up to his neck in a mudhole (looking just like granfather when he wheeled in the cesspool that time) and just above him is a buttnakad lady on who you cant even see her butt cause the whole FRONT side of her is facin the camera. Theres lots of pitcures like this inthe Burning Man articol so now thanks to Wired im living with my own BURNING MAN whose now REAL WIRED.

Thank God thier wasnt a scene

We walked to the New York Cybermedia meeting from my motel. It was like a giant cocktale party an granfather shuffled along with the leg braces under his pants without even his cane. I think the fresh New York smog breathed new life in his lungs which probly craved the soot and bus fumes since hes an alien.

Other than lungeing for some of the food they put out and grabbing free items and inaproprietley proppositioning a few women (one was a man he thuoght was a women) granfather was pretty cool. His big opening line was: IM THE MEAN OLD BASTERD FROM WALTERMILLERS HOMPAGE WATCH ME SPIT and I had to say NO GRANFATHER. The pridefull old simpleton thinks hes a celebrety. We were olny there at about 15 minites and his legs started to cramp up so i took him back to his motel.

We return home

The next day I flew home and the people granfather paid to ship him arived to pack him back up in the rented primate carrier. At least he relizes he becommes a vicoius monster during travel and plans acordingly. He boght an I (heart) NY bumpor stickor as a souvenir of his trip althuogh it woud go on his regulor pet carryer we had at home.

His ride home