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Post-election mid Nov 96 update


My regulor readors already know granfather likes Andy Roony but dont know which newscastors he dislikes and why.

We cant list them all here: Like ABC's Jeff Greenfeild who reminds granfather of Rodger Ebert's little brother. Or Britt Hume whose Al Haig-ish "I AM IN CHARGE HERE" demeanor gives him the shiverin willies. Or Tom Snydor who granfather belleves suffors from an obbsesive-compoulsive twitching and grunting disordor (plus he insists on sittin in chairs much too small for him). Or also Diane Sawyor who he swears is a man under the wig, orenge lipstik and white powdor.

So I narowwed it down to just ten. Here it is (In no particulor order):

Granfathers Top 10 Least Favvorite Newscastors

#10
Sam Donoldson

Sam is a personol non-favorite of granfathers dating back to the Reagon years when hed holler out questions to the Great Comunnicator when he was steppin off Air Force one. Hed scream: REAGANS DEAF DAMMIT DONT SAM DONOLDSEN KNOW THAT? This was distracting to granfather--he loved to watch Reagon step off that plane on a windy day cause his shellacked hairdo would stay still but his waffly neck woud wobble in the breeze.

Plus granfather says Donoldson has a quirkey way of jerkin his head when he talks and has that weird oversize pupil in his right eye plus never clips his eyebrows. Granfather says Sam Donnalson looks like a cross between Little Lord Fuantleroy and the devil. He hates most that GI Joe plastic moulded hair that always makes a seriuos glare flash back to the camera.

When Donoldson was up on that spindley little balcony on election night granfather kept throwin beer cans at the TV as to knock him off hoping hed fall off right on Peter Jenings an theyd both break there friggin necks...Which brings us to:

#9
Peter Jenings

POMPUOS ARROGENT CANADIEN SITTIN THERE LIKE HES GOT A ICICLE UP HIS ASS--Ive heard this my whole life from granfather or at least since the Iran Hostadge crisis back when i was about 3 years old (at the time I actully thouht this was Peter Jenings real name.)

Granfathor hates his blatent non objectave granstanding on certan isseus like socielized health care. Plus he says every time Peter Jenings reports on a Rebuplican he puts on this face like he just smelled a fart. My granfather may be a Democrat but hes a conservotive one and he likes his democrats warts and all and not unequaly treated by what he feels is an overly libbral news media.

He also thinks hes pourposely ovordoing the Canaddian accent in recent years like exagorating the words "ABOOT" instead of "about" and also White "Hoose." But what can you ecxpect from an old basterd like Granfather whose favrite news persenality is Jenny Jones?

#8
Charley Rose

He thinks Mark Sheilds is a fat moon-faced drunk, he never gets Lewis Rukeisor's jokes and he turns purple and violantly shakes at the mere sight, sound or mentoin of Mark Russel--but granfathers all time unfavorrite PBS news comentator is hands down CHARLY ROSE.

I like Mr Rose ALOT and think hes smart. But granfather says hes a self agrandizzing name droppor who evory time he asks a guest a question he compoulsively interupts the poor guest before he can answer it to show how smart he is, or add some stupid comment, or say how LAST NIHGT'S guest answored the same questoin, or remminisce about the past, perhaps his college days, earley career, or humble childhoud in North Carrolina before the days of plumbing and rural electrifocation when they had to crap in the out house and wipe there butts with pages from the Sears cattalog.

ONE DAY IM GONNA ORDER ONE THEM DAMN BURRELL TRANSCRIPS says granfather, so he can add up the words and lines to see if Charley Rose doesnt indeed talk more on his show then his geusts do.

Granfathor also believes that when Charly Rose thrusts himself foward on his elbows in that pecullier way and hops up slightley what hes really doing is scratchin his balls under that big oak table.

#7
Mike Wallece

Granfather says no wondor the poor guy suffors from depresion his real first name is "Myron" and also take a look at his damn wardrobe he dresses like a 1970s pollyester Patpong pimp from Bangcock Thailand. FORGET THE BLACK SHOEPOLISH IN HIS HAIR THAT DAMN TIE IS WIDER THAN MY ASS says granfather evory time he watches 60 Minites and he also says Mike Wallace can learn fashion tips from Andy Roony which is a real insult if you think abbout it.

CONTINUED: #6, #5 and #4