Walter Miller's Homepage

"There is something wonderfully perverse about the Web. It rewards a kind of cranky honesty while eviscerating the insincere and calculating, no matter how slick the presentation."

-- Michael S. Malone in Fast Company.

Octobor 1997 update

Page 3 of 6


The light at the end of the carwash...

Out on the other end the man who runs the carwash ran up and he was upset cause 3 of the red rubber strips were snagged by the sharp metol couch contraption and were pulled off and shredded. Granfathor had one strip wrapped arround his neck and he was howling.

No he wasnt in pain

He was upset because he coud TASTE WAX in his moulth. The car wash man said its not toxic. But the cheap Son Of A Bicth says he didnt WANT wax because of the extra cost.

Then the car wash man said "SO WHAT: Your not payin for it."

But granfather's point was THIS:
Each time you pay the extra dollor and fifty cents for the wax, your car pauses for a moment on the rolling car wash track. Then there are two sirens like you see on top of the sherriff's car which are sitting on upright wands on eithor side of you. They start flashing and rotating bright red light and then this marquee blinks in front of you which says: HOT WAX BEING APPLIED NOW.

Granfather claims, that he just noticed for the first time, that whether you get the hot wax or not, the car still pauses for exactley TEN SECONDS.

The car wash man started gettin nervous. Granfathor screamed at him that iregardless of whether you pay the buck-fifty or not, or wether the sirens and lights go off, YOUR STILL GETTIN THE WAX CAUSE HE HAS SOME IN HIS FRIGGIN TEETH RIGHT NOW. Plus he was going there 20 years and was gettin ripped off on the wax all that time.

Granfather begins his mean evil low pitched growl

"THERE AINT NO WAY TO TURN OFF THE WAX, IS THERE?"
"ALL CUSTOMERS GIT WAX BY DEFAULT, DONT THEY?"
"YOU OWE GRAMPY SOME DOUGH, DONT YOU?"

The mans knees buckoled and he atcually peed in his pants in fear.

We arrive late

I begged the bastord to PLEASE lets go to the carnivol now. He narowwed his crocodilian eyes at the man who was now shaking and tremboling allover and said "ILL BE BACK YOU CHISELER. NO ONE RIPS OFF GRANPY, WAXWISE." He told the man hed better open the cash registor good and wide next time he came back or else hed take that one mobile foot of his that he uses to propel himself along with the castors and "tear a new orofice" out for him with it.

When we got to the place the old beast was in a surley mood. They had this cheezy bannor made in fake Cirrillic writing that said:

TRAPPED IN THE EARTH FOR 3 DECADES!
MEET THE AMAZING VLADIMIR! JUST 50c!

"I hope you can speak SOME Russian," the carnivol manager said to Granfather when we arrived.

"KISS MY RED COMMIE ASS," the old bastord rettorted. I took some mascara and painted a moustashe and a tiny goatee on his chin in the shape of a pointy upsidedown triangle so he looked like Lenin. The carnie had a few fake Russian militery medals too and I pinned them to the hairy thatch of the old geezer's bucking heaving scraggley torso. The first peopple who came into the tent were realy grossed out. Granfather grinned at them and said "IT SHURE IS MORE UGLIER'N YOU'D THOUGHT, AIN'T IT?"

I tried to tell the custommers in my best fake Russain accent: "Politburou ees steel not sure eef Vladimir is truly MAN, or else dat MONKEY we sent up."

Granfather tries to play the part

Unfortunnatly that meant abbusing many of the people who paid good cash to see him, (and forgetting to do his Slovic accent).

"SOMEONE GIT OFF THERE ASS AN' GIT ME SOME BORSCHT AN' PUT SOME WHISKY--UH, I MEAN, PUT SOME VODKA IN IT, GARRLDANGIT" he yelled. And later when a little kid tried to take his picture Granfather snarled shakking violently and made him cry. "I WAS BURIED 30 YEARS!" he screamed. "BUT IN THE FUTURE WE WILL BURY YOU!!"

Also he was laying a few realy bad farts. They were the silent kind and Granfather gave me a sad look at one point and wistfulley said somthing to me like, "I DONT KNOW WHUT IT IS BOY. MUH INTESTINOLS JEST AIN'T GOT NO 'PERCUSSION' TODAY." i said to him IT DOSENT MATTER Granfather, it smells like a mastodon or somthin crawled up his ass and died so hes more than makking up for it. An old womon fained, and the resin glue keeping the fake head on the Two Headed Calve melted from the intense stench and it fell off. Good thing no one saw or else they woud of got there money back.

At the reqeust of the womon taking tickets for the freak tent, i got some foam core and a majic marker and made two signs and put them on two easels one on eithor side of the old bastords rolling cage. One of them said:

THE AMMAZING VLADOMIER SUFFERS

From a painfull condition rellated

To obbsorbing 30 years of Methaine

Thrue the skinn in the wild Swamps

of East Kazzakastan.WE ARE SORRY

The other sign said: NO PIPE OR CIGAR SMOKING IN THIS TENT PLAESE.

Across the midway there was one of those shooting games where you pay to sprey a wator gun into a clowns mouth to fill up a balloon. Well the thruogh the open flap of the tent Granfather, even from his upside down possition was able to shoot a stream of tobbacco juice in a perfect arc over the heads of passersby and into the moulth of the second clown on the left. He popped the baloon each time. The old bastord kept spoiling the game for the customors.

The carny steps in

He told granfather to STOP IT or else he'd call the KGB on him. Granfather yelled back and there was a big argeument between them. I had to calm them both down.

I see someon I know!!! You wont beleive it