Walter Miller's Homepage

Folks, plain old text just dosent get any better than this.

Octobor 1997 Updaite

Page 5 of 6


I generaly like goats becuase they are good natured. But they are basicly the dumbest animol in the barn yard. (Except of cuorse the turkey...Or else the Amazing turkey leathor Faced Man). People might argue this with me and say sheep are dumber. But when Granfather was cryin one of the goats wandered up to him and looked right in his face as to comfort him. He bent his little goaty head and rubbed the knobby mass of horn on Granpy's head as a sign of afection. Other than six legged winged creatores (and ticks, which i belleive have 8 legs), this may be the first animal ever that I saw show attraction toword Granfather.

As you know, these 2 goats never had the fake unicorn horn grow in corectly when their stupid originol owners tried to move around their horn buds.Instead there was like this ugly curly helmet of horn matterial on top. Just as i thuoght of how pitiful the goat looked (and how dumb I thought it was), he reared and butted Granfather right in the forhead with a loud sound like a basball bat hitting a watormelon. Granfather looked starteled at first but then said "I THINK THE LIL' FELLER LIKES ME."

The carny told Granfather that if he liked he coud HAVE the danm goat, and also the other one, for free: They were nothin but a pain in the ass he had to feed. Granfather was extatic and said he woud take them both.

A shadoew of horror

I must of been 7 years old and my mother was still alive and so was my Grandmothor. We drove from California to Texas where me and my brothor were dropped off to stay for a week while my folks contineud on to New Orlaens.

They had a little grey and white goat called Pansy which was very sweet natuored and i was playin with her all week. Well it all hapened so fast and one minute i was playin with her and the next minnute my evil Granmothor was standin in front of me at the kitchon table screamin so loud that the Gulf No Pest Strip which hung from the trailor cieling was waving from the vibrattions "THET THERES FRESH PORK! EAT IT, BOY, OR WE'LL EAT YOU TOMORROW!" and then i said thru my sobbing "it aint pork cause i didnt see no hogs about today," and Granfather was grumblin from the other room "HUSH UP THET OL' PILE DRIVER VOICE O'YOURS GRANNY, THE BOY AINT AS DUMB AS HE LOOKS."

The problem was that earlior in the day the goat ate somthing that belonged to Granfather, a signed photo of baseball great Enos Slaughtor that was taped on the wall. In those days the trailor sat on the ground and a goat or chickon coud just wander in. Also they used to crap everywhere. (It was a bad family sitation in those days). Well Granfather cohgt Pansy in the act and in his angor the old bastord killed it.

After 2 hours of continualy nonstop reppeating until it ended up sounding prety downwright peculior:

"IT ET MUH ENOS!"
"IT ET MUH ENOS!"
"IT ET MUH ENOS!"
"...I TELL YUH, THET GOL-DANG, CON-SARN, DAG-NAB GOAT DONE UP AN' ET MUH DANM ENOS!"

...Granfathor FINALY calmed down.

Then, while me and Grandmothor and my brother sat at the supper table he was at the coffee table in the living room watching Eight Is Enuogh atempting to Scotch tape a milion tiny soggy bits of his photo retreived from a poor animals gullet back togethor cursing. The stupid bastord ended up gettin it profesionally restored for like $85 dollors, and it STILL looked like crap. (Which is a joke on Granfather because Enos Slaughtor signed ALLOT and still his atuograph goes today for only abbout fifteen bucks.)

My brother cleaned his plate down to almost scraiping off the florol design and asked for a second helping and then a third, but for me, it was one of those childhood things you never forget, and you never forget even one detaile. I was staring downword at my dish with giant tears dropping onto the words: This Chinaware Property Of The Pennslyvania Hotel. The song Brandy was on the kitchen radio, and Granfather hummed along to it at the top of his lungs with a cigarete in his teeth "BRANDY: YOUR A FINE GIRL..." while punctuatting the tune with sporadic comments like: "GOLDANG FRIGGIN GOAT"; and also: "DAMN THIS TAPE ROLL: I AINT GOT NO FINGERNAILS THIS WEEK"; and even once or twice glancing up at the TV show: "BOY, EIGHT SURE WAS ENOUGH, CAUSE THESE HERE YOUNGER BRADFORD CHILDREN SURE ARE BUTT UGLY LOOKIN CRITTERS."

Meanwhile my brothor was not emotionaly scarred at all. (Except mabye by my Grandmothors awful cooking). In fact after supper him and the old bastord went off to the train yards to vandalize the tank cars with a pot of white paint. Do you know how the back of tank cars have those stencilled words on them?

CAUTION: DO NOT BUMP

Well Granfather and my brothor hopped the fence and changed all the letters on the tankcars that were "B" to "H" so it said DONOT HUMP. That is a fine way for the old fool to infleunce a small boy.

I will never forget that day. i am remminded of it each time I pass the kitchon because the repaired mutillated baseball photo is still there.

Whisky and Whine

And what can i say abbout Brandy. Its a fine song. What a good song--But not for me. Each time i hear it its too many bad memmoreis.

After the final day of the carnival, we colected the $161, and piled Granfather in the back of Juniors pickup truck--ALONG with the 2 goats, who were now going home with us. Of course on the way home, I cant believe my ears: Granfather is taunting me. I look out the dusty streaked rear window while Granfather was singing Brandy, serranading the goats, who looked back at him confused. I screamed thru the window STOP it Granfather. Junoir rolled the windows up so we didnt have to hear it. It was hot with no air conditoining in the truck but i did not mind.

He wheeled his castored contraption foward in the truck bed all the way to the rear cab window and pressed his face mashing it on the glass. A violent rainstorm started up, soaking him and the goats who started bleating in fearfuly distourbed bewilderment. With his oily filthey hair plastored onto his mostrously putrid face Granfather looked ecxactly like that hiddeous gremlin in the The Twilight Zone Movie when the gremlin presses his face on the airliner's window in the rainstorm.

He started screaming out the part of the song which is called the bridge:

GRANPY USED TO WATCH HER EYES WHEN SHE ET MUH ENOS SLOUGHTOR
I CHASED THAT CRITTER 'ROUND THE YARD, I LUNGED AND THEN I COUGHT HER.
OH PANSY MADE A TASTY MEAL, LORD YOU KNOW JUST WHUT I MEAN
I ET HER LIVER WITH SOME FAVA BEE-E-EANS...
DOOO
-doo,
Doo-doo-doo
DOOO-doo,
Doo-doo-doo...

How revvolting