This site is very much "A Guy Thing" but plentey of women like us too. We have that speciel 'Three Stooges' appeal.
Page 5 of 5
The plumbor came first to make an estimmate. Like i said he seemed to regret it bacause it apears that he just wanted to show up merely to ogle us. Yes there are plenty of people in the vincinnity who want to come by and see our place, but they cannot because Granfather will shoot at them.
But the old coot did do somthing i give him credit for. The plumbor was saying stuff like "Waal, Gentolmen, there's nothin' I kin do here," and started to leave, obviuosly satisfied (and if not a little nauseatted) with the freak show we call home.
But instead of lettin him go, Granfather threatenned the plumber with wasting his time. He told him bluntly if he didnt give him an estimate RIGHT THEN for fixin the well pump he woud spring from the wheelchair faster than Evil Kenivil in that rocketship back in '74 and RIP A NEW ONE OUT FER YUH, WITH MUH TEETH which is a favvorite threat for him. So the man shook with terror and agread to get to work right away. And not only that but for 20% off.
Then they made me go out and get cofee. They HAVE a coffe pot there but ran out and no one wanted the old dusty can of Instant they had from day one. I sugested they just throw out the Instant and then, just for sugesting it to those cheap bastords, i got yelled at AGAIN.
Then some big wise ass there whose spot i parked in anounced that GUESS WHO, (Yes, you guesed it: ME) had to go out and get coffee for the whole group. And instead of goin to the Mini Mart at the Exxon that you can WALK to, (which I sugested) they descided that they all want the damn flavored coffees at the donut place.
Then i had to get 24 cofees all preppared in diferent ways and ONE TEA. (there is always ONE rebellious agitattor who has to have TEA).
And they had NO Postum which is what i drink and when I asked to use the restroom they pointed to the little yellow barrier that said PISO MOJADO which means Wet Floor. They coudnt TELL me the bathroom wasnt working but had to cavvalierly POINT to it like I was an annimol. (It took along time to drive there and i had to pee even beffore i left the office and seeing the sign that said 'PISO' on it made me want to go more. You know how it is.)
The on the way back there was a long line of cars and i got held up with five whole changes of the light just to make one danm turn to get out back on the freeway because of the traffic. When i got back to the ofice got yelled at AGAIN for being late. I was acused of lazy-assing around. Stupid job.
"I JEST WANT YOU TO KNOW," he said to me, "THET I SUCKED DOWN ALL THEM TASTY QUINTERO SHORTIES AND NOW BEGUN ON THEM OTHOR SMOKES."
i coud NOT belleive he called just to say this. It is a toll call too. But the old bastord just loves to annoy me. I said Granfather, "I dont CARE about your danm cigars plus im at work." He harshly snapped at me sayin that when i "growed up" I woud get to a point in my life where i would put a good cigar on a par with an avverage woman but since i never had neithor i woudnt know what the hell he is talkin about.
"LEMME TELL YUH WHUT, BOY," he screamed in an unexplianed manniacol rage, "I'M A STAUNCH ANTI-COMMUNIST, BUT, FER JEST ONE BOX O'THESE HERE HAVANA COHAIBOS, MISTER FEE-DEL CASTRO COUD BEND OVER AN' I'D KISS HIM WHERE THE SUN DONT SHINE RIGHT IN THET BIG OLE SOCCOR STADIUM IN FRONT O'THE WORLD ON LENIN'S BIRTHDAY."
Later on my counselor told me that Granfather was probly trying to reach out to me for male bonding but at that time, I angrilly slammed the phone down. An he called me BACK hollering more so i went to unplugg the phone but unplugged the token ring by misteak. Then i got yelled at more, this time from the iconnoclast who had ordered the tea.
Granfather said to me "HMMM! NICE THICK WIENER CASING ON THIS HERE DAWGIE!" I saw him sink his hiddeous gross teeth in and it made a popping noise as he punctoured the clear covoring of the saussage. Thruough his awful openned mouth chewing I saw a peice of peelback label and the UPC symbol dancing around in his jaws. It wasnt a wiener casing at all: It was the heavey plastic wrap that the salami came in.
Then the plumbor said to me:
Grannfather was smoking and between the biuld up of gas from his new diet and the foolish idea to throw a lit cigar in there the whole bowl just exploaded into smithoreens. In 30 years of plumbing he said he never saw aneything like it. Garak, one of our chickens, was killed in the blast.
And all we had now instaed of a toilat was just a friggin hole in the floor. I looked out the living room window and saw the beast on the porch stare back at me with an evil look on his ghastley face. He pulled his fists close to his chest, stuck his elboews out proudley and waved them up and down and sang in a clucking voice
That night in front of the TV as Granfather watched the Television Movie Event Unwed Father with Brian Auston Green granfather remmarked to me, while pointing to the newly atached cone of days past "ID FERGOT HOW NICE AN' LOUD THIS HERE TV IS WHEN I WEARS MUH TRUSTY CARDBOARD ANIMOL CONE.
"I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT, LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT...
GO BACK TO THE MAIN UPDATE MENU: And remembor folks it maybe until Friday Oct. 24 that ALL 300 or so of my files are up. Thanks for undorstanding me in this very busy time of my life.