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The Novembor 1998 Update

Page 1 of 6


Yes it is lame of me to put one updatte up right aftor another. But I am pretty danm late, and so here it is. When my last update ended (you know that cause you probly just finished readin it), the old basterd had to descide wether or not he woud continue on with me to make our conecting flight, or else leave with a new woman he just met. Not just any woman: But the female version, (so Granfather beleived) of two time Reform candidate for pressident H. Ross perot.

Granfather gives in...at first

Finaly the old basterd spoke, muttoring to me that as much as he hated to submit to the houmiliation of family councilling, he did not want his trailer, lands and colectibles to be awarded to his deepley hated brothers by default.

There we were at the airport gate, waiting for the old basterd to make his desision.

At last they made the anouncement for final boarding. On one side of me, Granfather glumly stared at me. On the othor, the new girlfreind scowled at me, her thin lips in a frown, and with the pink color or rage slowley growing on her face, a face that looked like a comical plastic decal stuck on that miniscule head, that tiny lopsided unusualy small head that had the unbalanced shape of a de-husked pineappel which had been savagely hacked into a deliberrate, approximmate reppresentation of a sphere by a drunken spastic heat stroked plantation workor in a remote troppicol locale.

I spoke with as much passion as I coud to try to sway him. I must of ramboled on for 4 or five minuttes. At one point I said to him, "Your familly loves you, Granfather. I am not ashammed to say that I love you granfather."

For a moment I thoght I was getting through to him. His lips quivored, and what apeared to be a tear rolled down one cheek. He leaned toword me on his cane, and put his evil claw on my shouldor, lightly gripped it and shut his eyes....For just a breif second i thoght I was getting thruogh to him, but stupid, stupid, STUPID idoit that I am, I shoud of known what was coming next...Yes he had grabbed hold of me not out of afection but to steady himself for a giant fart. Like all living things within a 20 yards radius, I lost conscuiousness.

"SORRY BOY," I remmember in a haze that he said to me.

"I WEREN'T STANDIN THERE PATIENTLY TO LISSEN TO YER DANM TOUCHY-FEELY SPEECH. I WERE WAITIN' TILL THIS HERE AIR BOMB WUZ J-U-U-UST RIPE."

I canot tell you how bad it sounded or smelt but lets just say there was a bank of payphones agianst one of those carpeted walls that you always see at the airport and the glue on the carpat melted causing the it to peel off the walls and onto the heads of suprised travelors plus the above head TV monitor screens that list the scheduoles instantly went blank and began violentley flashing ALL FLIGHTS CANCELLED just like it does when theres a big storm or somthing, and not only that the two payphones closest to him exploadded at their bottom parts and dimes quartors poured out and allover the floor, meanwhile on the floor itself, industrial thickness linolium tiles shook loose from their glue, popped upward like popcorn, and fluttored en masse thru the air like those hundrets of heat sheild squares fly off of the Space Shuttol upon re entry to the atmospheare. Yes all this dispite the fact an FAA approved HAZMET adult travel diapor had been atached to his ass with volcano grade fireproof tungsten foil tape.

There was a bunch of Germen tourists standin nearby and you know they are normolly sedate but they started shriekin with agony holding there burning eyes and such and based on the little bit of Germen i can undorstand (but not speak) because I am partley Germen they said somthin like, "It is the Blitzkreeg of Rotton eggs heading our way." Or mabye they said it was Luftwaffting there way.

In any case there was a bunch of extremly distroght Krout tourists that day at DFW. Picking tiny burnt peices of vinyl and synthettic absorbent fiber off themselves as they fluttored down from below aftor having been sent airbourne in a massive explosion of matter/anti mattor convergence, that, when normaly acheived by Granfather, (usualy on purpose), always acompanies the aerial and aural disintiggration (not THAT 'oral' -- the othor one-- look it up if you dont know what it means), or rathor than disintigration I shoud say molecular transformattion of exactly one size small male adult diapor into a thousond points of light

I was so danm angry at him.

Not just for the ultimmate sign of disrespect. But also cause he's been told NOT to force out giant gas payloads in pubblic. Especialy not in a securitty sensittive area. Like at the frikin airport. Frikin bastord.

he is so danm saddistic