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WARNING: Objects smell closer than they appear

The Novembor 1998 Update

Page 2 of 6


Granfather just stood there shuddoring in his evil demonic tortured hyena giggle. Also he said somthin extremly rude to the asphixiated Aryans in there native tounge but i coudnt undorstand it, but I think it might of been somthin to the efect that he too is descended from the Germens and even in spite of that he hopes they enjoy his giant fart becuase, somehow, perhapps not individauly but instead mabye historically he was prettey sure they sure as hell deserved it.

I pulled him aside and into the little lobby area of the mens' room, so that danm female troll coudnt folow us. But in any case she stood there lookin in at us angrily. If youve ben to DFW you know the little men's room lobby area i mean. I felt like tossing the skinny old toad onto the Koaola(R) Baby Changing Station table and closing him up inside it into the wall.

"Granfather," i said to him, "You just MET this womon. She may posibbly be out just for your money."

The old basterd got imediatly deffensive wrinkling up his bruised, half-rotton banged-up Bosc-pear colored lumpy face and countored me, sayin that she had more money than him.

Besides, (he said), he was sure he coud (in his words, and i am not makin this up), "score with this babe" withuot too much of a probblem. And that I had bettor back off and NOW, because if I ruined his rommantic chances with this tiny-headed curriosity hed personolony disembowel me right then and there with an airport food court spork. You know what a spork is: that blunt eatting implemment. He then explianed the probbable inevitability of how his evening might posibbly progress

"BOYS YOUR AGE GOT TO BUY A WOMAN TEN OR 12 DRINKS FIRST, FOR TO LOOSEN THEM UP," Granfather hissed in an awfull smelling whisper.

"BOYS MY AGE, HELL: A CUP O'HERBAL TEA THET SHE ALREADY GOT IN HER DANM CUPBOARD USUALY DOES IT."

So i returned home without Granfather. As we finaly parted he started to give me some B.S. line abbout how he is old enuogh as a "seasoned, mature adult" to make his own descisions. I said to him, that I didnt give a crap -- as long as he shows up for court mandated familly counseling in 3 days as prescribbed by law unless he didnt want to see his old seasoned ass sittin in a jail cell.

Yes the evil sonoffobbich liar: at first he said he wasnt going to go with the estrogin-enhanced Perot, but the way it ended up, then he said he was.

Back at work

Meanwhile, at Cyberblop, The Outside Consultents had alredy been there for a few days beffore I arived. These were the outside consultents which were hired by Corporate who were suposed to evalluate the whole Cyberblop project.

Their presence there had everyone on egde. I think it was there extreme almost cultlike optimmism. Imagine if you will, two extremly freindly people who always act as if they are on an initial job interveiw. Or bettor yet, those maniacaly vivacious audeince whipper-uppers wearing the head sets and throwing T-shirts into the crowd that you see at the AOL booth at Internet World that act as if the only reasen why they were there is because they were fired from Up With People! for being too gregarriously hyper. Mabye it was that they were so danm ecxited about Cyberblop while most of us here, alredy shellshocked from multipple re-orgs and layoffs, no longor gave a crap.

Plus they were extremmely creepy looking.

It was a man and a womon. They had emoticon faces, you know, those e-mail smile faces. Plastic non-humen ASCII faces frozon into a permanent cooky cutter smile with the heads happilly cocked at a 90 degree angol. The man looked like this:

:v)

...and the womon like this:

=;)

...and yes it was frozon into a permanint wink. They were The Emoticon Twins.

Here is a breakdown of the effect of these peoplle on the chain of command.

  • First: My Boss: the anoying perky little toadfaced lady who had a particulorly short emotional fuse to begin with, plus she is a bundol of nerves who allways bursts into tears at the slightest problem. It does help that she dosent know a danm thing about computers. Now the reallity of her uselessness was on the verge of being expoased.

  • Her boss: The Nose Picker. You remmember him from my past updates. He is stompin arround the ofice real angry. He keeps thinkin he is being groomed to go higher in the organnization than where he is. He even changed his look; (he dyed his hair yellow on top and now wears those goofy New Media eyeglass fraimes). But for cryin out loud he just GOT a prommotion to V.P. so what the hell more does he want? This is unrelated, but the othor day I saw him taka leak in the bathroom and he left withuot even washin his danm hands.

  • The next levol up: His boss, The Lady Who Screams and Everyone. She had originaly been transfered in from Corporate's Widget Division up in Chigaco. And while she may know her Widgets, she does not know the web, and has no danm business running a web department. She has a repputation of being somone who gets stuff done. But truth be told however, alls this person realy knows how to do is scream, and have peoplle obey her out of fear. Plus lateley she is screamin more at men than at women, even men who are higher up than her. The men know that they are not alowed to scream back. You can be danm sure she knows this too.

  • The top of the heap: The Generel Manager Anothor Re-Tread from Corporate. The head of the whole Cyberblop project. Useless. Stupid. Does not know a laptop from an Etch-A-Sketch. Cannot discern a personal computer from an ATM machene. Thinks he is actualy surfing the Internet when he is using the customer kiosk in front of the Sunglass Hut down at the Mall, mashing his fat finger on the touch screen tryin to locate the danm fancy cigar store on Fashion Level "B". Which he dosent even know how to do. 'Nuff said.

  • My personal opinnion on things