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November can mean only one thing:

the Septembor 1999 Update

Page 4 of 6

The only time Granfather stopped howling was when I took the turnoff and there on the side of the highway was a billbord with this prettey model on it who was embracing a handsome man. Grampy froze and silently staired agaipe out the window at it, his grisly head and neck folowing and craining as we drove past, his jaw dropped and a thread of drool hangin pendoulously from his slimey lower lip.

"Granfather, I think I know what your problem is," I said. "You're lonesome, like me."

I cleared my throaght and treid to have a conversation with him. It is difocult and akword to say these things, howevor too many people in families far less disfunctional than ours even make the effort to say the things that need to be said.

My voice quavoring, I said again, "Granfather, I am lonesome too. I dont say this nearley enuogh as i shoud. But I care for you. I love you."

This was met with more silence as I looked in the rearview mirrer to see him glowering at me in a solid burning unblinkingly reptillian eyed stare, mouth still agaipe, but this time with more of a look of supprize on his face than distracted stupor.

As he slowly began to speak in a deliberate allmost metallic tone I saw his evil fangs, razor sharp and silver yellowish green unsheath themselves and sparkle wildly in the puddy wet purplish brown gums where set like poison daggers they glinted and gnashed at me with a pure blood hatred, "ONE...MORE...WORD. ...AN' I'LL TEAR YER DANM KIDNEYS OUT THRU YER NOSE WITH MAH BARE TEETH."

When we pulled in the parkin lot of the HMO I acidentaly drove the car over the barrier that if you back up over it you get SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE. Thak God I did not. But in any case my misteak meant that when we got inside i had to pay $2 to park where in the opossite lot i coud of parked for free. I know, I am a jerk. But Granfather didnt haveto be so mean about it by screamming, "YOU DUMBASS!

"THE DAY YOU WUZ BORNED YOU FELL OUT THE STUPID TREE AND DONE HIT EVERY BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN!"

Then when we got inside the HMO waitting room he sat there grunting and farting. Also he harassed the othor peoplle in the waiting room just like last time. I felt bad but one lady I guess sort of deserved it. The waiting room had this Take-And-Share magozine rack where people bring there own magizines to the HMO to keep costs down. (Every small bit helps I supose).

Anyway the old basterd was reading The Heritage Foundation newslettor which for som reason was sittin there in the Take-and-Share muttoring softly to himself all sorts of anoying comments that evereyone coud over hear him sayin, like, "BOY, THET GARY BAUER SURE GOT OLD REAL FAST," and also, "BILL BENNETT'S GITTIN' PUFFY, I'D SAY," and also, "ARIANA HUFFINGTON: WHAT A TOMATO!"

So this middel aged lady also sittin there across from the old basterd who had old capped teeth with orange lipstick on them and who was wearin this fake leoperd with a matching pillbox hat outfit and had a snooty voice, actualy starts chastizing Granfather for reading it.

"How did that get in the take-and-share," she said.

Boy, the old basterd went ballistic. He screammed, "THIS IS AMERICA! I KIN READ WHATEVER I WANT!"

The lady (I coudnt beleive her nerve), said in a firm but snooty way that the Heritage Foundaton is religoius, and they shoudnt never, ever have religoius material in the HMO.

Well, if you are reading this, mabye there are good arguments on both sides of the isseu but I do NOT want to get involved. In any case Granfather said to her, "WHUT WOULD YOU DO IF I TOLE YOU I WAS THE DEVIL, AND JUST READIN' THIS HERE TO GIT A JUMP ON THE COMPETITION?"

The lady gave him a blank fearfull stare in return and mumbolled somthing about her not beleiving in God.

Granfather hollored back, "I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD NEITHER: I'M THE DEVIL!", and then right aftor this, did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where Eliane's boyfriend David Putty has his face painted like a New Jersy Devil Hockey Fan, and starts screamin at the poor priest in the taxi cab, 'I'm the devil!!! Yaaaah!!'?

Well thats what the old basterd was doin. He kept it up till the lady ran out of there white as a ghost lookin like she was so scared she was gonna crap in her leoperd pants or somthin.

By this time the old basterd was called in. I escourted his scraggly ass into the exam room. A nurse opened the door just in time to see a conpletely naked monster writhing in my arms as I settoled his disgousting sqiurming body onto the crinkley white paper that was layed on the naugohyde table and just like youve seen so many times beffore in that trite scene in so many movies she recoiled in horror loudley droppin with a scream of fear a tray of metol instruments that clattored on the liloneum.

I still held the basterd an inch or two above the crinkley paper which already had brown puddols of muck pooling on its surface. (He leaks and oozes. What the hell can i say). Granfather nonetheless crumpled his face up into a fake cry and wept loudley, "I CAIN'T HEPP I'M SO HIDEOUS! BWAH-HAH-HAAAAH!"

As soon as the nurse ran out of the room Granps made an evil grin. "SCAIRED THE HELL OUT' THET SKIRT. I LUV WHEN THET HAPPENS."

I treid to chastize him

I am learning in therapy to be more asertive. I am a person with allot of emmotional problems and also imaturrity and one of the things I am workin on is how to stand up for myself. Anyway, Granfather cannot help his terrifying personol apearance, and so this is not what I chastized him about. I was howevor upset about him scairin the lady in the waiting room, and I told him so. Granfather is NOT suposed to make a scene. Also sayin that he is the 'devil' is disrespectfull and mean.

"YER RIGHT, BOY. LEMME APPOLOGIZE. FROM NOW ON I PROMISE: NO MORE RELIGIOUS JOKES."

Granfather also said that he was gointo say his prayers tonight when it was time to go to bed. This astounded me. Granfather has not realy had much exposure to religion in his life. Howevor, as the story goes, on his mother's side of the familly there were some Tennessee snake handlers and one time when the old basterd was abbout 11 years old they visited them. But the ocasion ended badly when little Granfather got up in the middol of the night to "play" with the serpents and they bit him allover his repulsive body. The next morning all the snakes were dead from bein poisoned thanks to Granpy's toxic bloodstream. Boy were those snake handlors pissed.

The nurse returns.