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Beleivable in a sick way. Sick in a beleiveable way.
November can mean only one thing:

the Septembor 1999 Update

Page 5 of 6

The nurse returned a minnute later with her hand covoring her mouth and also swalowing hard as to try to hold back puking. In a quavery whispor she told me to please cover "it" with a paper gown and lead it down the hall to one of the restrooms so they coud get a sample in the plastic cup ontop of the toilet.

He is a horroble disgousting man

The restroom opened up right onto the main waiting room and so everyone coud hear Granfather in there. Actualy, everyone in the whole danm Medical Biulding coud hear him.

"COME ON MISTER HAPPY," he shouted thru the door, "DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

I got up and poundad on the door and yelled "Stop that, Granfather!", and he hollored back that no one told him exactley what KIND of sample he was suposed to leave.

But he did know. He is just ghastley and shocking and dispikcoble. He does it on purpoce.

"I'M JEST TRYIN TO ENBARASS YOU IN PUBLIC AGINN," he barked thru the door. "DO ME A FAVOR, AN' ASK ALL THE FOLKS THAR IN THE WAITIN' ROOM IF I DONE DID MY JOB....HEE-HEE-HEE."

But somthin did happan in there we didnt count on. There was a loud grunting noise folowed by an awfull explosion. Sudenly Granfather beggan to scream at me in a panicked voice.

Yes he was upset. He sounded sincear and spoke delliberatly in a severe tone.

"BOY...BWAH!," he howled.

"GIT A LEAD LINED BAG FROM THE CAR! HOP TO IT, YOU DUMBASS!"

Oh, crap this woud not be good. Granfather had just made an unexpectad SUPRISE dump. They are smaller than his normal dumps, and do not look particulorly threatening howevor the SUPRISE dump was among the worst kind he makes.

They canot be alowed to go in the toilet because they are caustic and will eat straight thruogh porcelain. They must go into speciel airtight lead lined bags that we get for free from the State Agriculturol Office and then broght to an authorized radioactive disposal facilitty by a licensed Haz-Met truck. Blue Cross will not pay for any of this.

I went out to the car and got the heavy titannium steel suitcase that holds the speciel kit we keep in the trunk with custom gloves, a plutonium dipping ladle, and flouresent "DANGER/CUIDOSO" stickers.

The door swung open and a thick billowey cloud of greyish green acrid gas floated out, actualy shot out due to a suddin loss of airpressure in the room outside the door.

The old basterd was knelt ovor the bowl meditatively and with a look of concern. It was a rare serrious moment for him.

" SHE LOOKS LIKE A HARMLESS TOOTSY ROLL. BUT SHE'S A WILDCAT. SHE'LL RUIN YER WHOLE PLUMBIN' SYSTEM.

"COURSE, I DON'T CARE, CAUSE IT AIN'T MAH PLUMBIN' SYSTEM."

Then I had to (Yuck), take the freakin ladle and fish the danm thing out of the loo. I cannot begin to explian the sence of enbarassment, the shame, the disgrace, the raw humilliation, the uttor mortiffication that I felt, to experience this display in front of strangers in the waiting room, to have Granfather there, in those circumstances, kneeling with that paper gown on, howevor revealing everything that was not suposed to be revealled, and acting and saying the things he was. Did you evor have the feeling that you wanted the floor to open up and swallouw you. Well that was one of those times for me.

I broght the lead bag out to the car, locked it in its speciel metal cooler, and chucked it into the trunk. When I arived back inside, I coud hear the old basterd's grunting, croaking voice reverberrating in from down the hall. Back in the waiting room, I found that Granfather was still knelt on the tiles of the bathrroom floor, but now he was verbally adressing the teriffied people who were either too brave or too sick to of not run out of the friggin place screamin there freakin lungs out.

"I JEST WANNA SAY SOMTHIN TO ALL Y'ALL HERE WAITIN' TO SEE THE DOCTOR," the old basterd began in a pompous tone, "I WUZ JEST KIDDIN' AROUND WITH THET "MISTER HAPPY" STUFF A MINUTE AGO."

"I WOUDN'T WANT Y'ALL TO THINK I'M SOME SORTA WEIRDO, NOW."

WARNING

...the next few parragraphs of this page are kinda disgousting. I apollogize.

After pontifficating for a few minutes, as well as flushing twice, the old basterd remainned knelt pensively over the john.

"What are you lookin at?", I asked.

"BESIDE MAH PURTY REFLECTION IN THIS HEAH BOWL? LOOKY THAR, BWAH: CHECK OUT THEM TWO PEAS THAR ON THE INSIDE TRACK."

Well i did and to my shock (but not suprise, cause his "Suprise" dump will cause this), but the peas indeed were orbiting vigourously agianst the stream. Yes, agianst the stream. Corn and peas will do this, I'm afraid. What the hell else can i say. Granfather's creations and abillities are unique in the anals of digestive history.

Time to see the doctor

It was time now for the old basterd to see his new PCP which in HMO lingo stands for Primary Care Phisycian howevor in the case of the old basterd you might as well change that first word to "Primate".

He teetered and loped on his simian legs down the hall back to the exam room, scamporing on his bare feet like a deranged chimp in a paper gown who was tryin to excape unnoticed from the research lab. To look at him and make a guess upon your first inpression, Granfathers appearence is genuinely not human. You may think I am makin some of this stuff up but I am not. It is all almost 100% true. Also the whole time he was loudly singin a parody of the fammous 1960's ballad "Give Peace a Chance" but repplaced the word "Peace" with "Peas" in honor of his defiantly swirling and opposively counterclockwize orbiting items i mentioned before. He is a horoble, repulsive, disgusting man.

A womon doctor

Granfather was shocked to see that his new docter was not a man. Also there was a new nurse there too, and this was a man.

Granfather in many ways has led a very sheltered life and was not used to this revercal of rolls. The old basterd was full of all kindof insults for them both.

Howevor, the doctor and nurse did seem to be two of the toughest peoplle whove ever exanimed him. They both had been breifed on the basterd, and his medicol file, which towors over 4 feet high, was in plain view on a heavy duty wheeled dolley nearby, which means that they had read up on the beast enuough to be prepared.

The doctor thumbed thruogh a sampling of the findings, mumbled a few of them outloud and did her best to conceal her shock and suprise.

"Hyper-fermentative gastrology...Advanced flatulent teratology... Liquid-strontium-based urine...Extreme methane and radon leakage out of cranial fissures....Lab study from 1993 confirms that muscular tissue is biologicaly identical and microscopically indistinguishable down to the molecular level to rancid beef jerky."

The nurse, who seemed to be the curious type, took a cigaret lighter out of his pocket and lit it near the top of the old basterd's skull. Imediatly a blue flame leapt to life, and burned like a pilot light for a few seconds right above Granp's hairline.

"YUH DIDN'T B'LEEVE IT, EH?," beamed the basterd in an evil glow, "THET THAR LEAKAGE IS HALF AN' HALF. IF IT WERE PURE METHANE, YOU WOUDN'T HAVE NO EYEBROWS RIGHT NOW."

At last they put the files down. As the nurse held his arms and the doctor reluctantly began to examine the disgousting creature, Granfather remarked on the the gold cross the doctor was wearin arround her neck.

"THET LOOKS LIKE THE ONE AGENT SCULLY WEARS," he said. "BETCHA YER GONNA FEEL LIKE AGENT SCULLY AFTER POKIN' ROUND ME FER A WHILE."

Yes, Granfather prides himself on bein a true X-File, at least medicaly. He is also a cruel mean basterd and a liar. Cause just after this, and right when the doctor was lookin into his crusty ears, he hapened to ask if (like Agent Sculley) the doctor was part Irish and she said yes. And then Granfather said, "HMMM, MEDICINE, RELIGION AND THE IRISH: THIS REMINDS ME OF A JOKE."

He is so tactless, and insensitive. Yes right aftor this Granfather told a very insulting joke. And this was just minnutes aftor he promised me he woud NOT make fun of religion no more.

I will not satisfy the old basterd and recount the telling of the joke here. In fact I was tryin hard not to liston to the joke and so I didnt get it all but in any case I will say that the joke itself involved a proctollogist from Dublin, a country parish priest, a hostage negotiation, a terrorist with bad hemmorroids, and punchline that ends: '"The Ass is Mended. Go in Peace."

Nobody luaghed exept him. Granfather as you know canot smile. He is either phisicaly incapabel of it or is pure evil to the point that a smile wont ever happen. He can demonicaly grin, scornfully smirk snigger and simper, contemptuously chortle, mockingly guffaw and indeed laugh with hatred and devilish derision. But whenevor the actual lauaghing happens he is truly frowning. Yes Granfather frowns when he luaghs and theres nothin funny about it.

Our fears are reallized