Walter Miller Homepage

Grampa always says: PAGES THAT TAKE TOO LONG TO LOAD ARE LIKE A BAD WIPE THAT FOLLOWES YOU AROUND ALL DAY

Octobor 1996 Update

Page 3 of 7


LET ME DRIVE DAMMIT, LET ME DRIVE

It was a 12 hour ride and we had a few episodes so to speak. First he leaned over an tore at the plastic sheeting with his teeth so he coud look out the window to make faces at other motorists and expectorate at them and also mash his face onto the glass. This coud cause potential accidants.

So we pulled over the side of the road to re-tape it and he got real pissed. He started shakkin violently an made the whole minivan reel.

More than once he was restrained with Granpa's Bad Boy which fortunnately we remembered to bring with us. As you know Grampa's Bad Boy is a demeaning but humaine homemade contraption made from a alunimum swimming pool skim net with emptey 2-liter pop bottels around the edge that are tightened by parachoute cord. If your fast enuogh, and you slap the thing over his head you can tighten the cord to stop the friggin flow of air to his slimy lungs and make him calm down.

We also have a heavey rubber auto bodywork mallet the doctor gave us: MAKE SHARP BRISK BLOWS TO HIS FORHEAD AND TEMPLE, the doctor told us, DONT WORRY YOU WONT HURT HIM. Dad had to use the mallet twice.

IF ONE OF THOSE BOILS JUST HAPENNS TO POP...

During the ride granfather also incessentley sang "99 bottles of beer on the Wall." When he got down to 'zero' he started singin it again, but in this variation: '99 Boils of pus on My Ass." When he finished this he started a new variatoin that was even more disguisting and i wont say what it was. On the 4th varriation dad stopped him at "91" and that was it. Dad pulled over and hit him with the mallet till he stopped.

For last 3 hours of the ride he was so antsy-pantsy we had to get some PVC pipe in a hardware store and also some equine Dramamine which is used mainly when you transport horses in a trailer. We shoved the pipe in his mouth so he coud breathe thruogh it an then taped up his whole head with duck tape and 3 black Heftey bags. Then we put 2 hooked bunjee cords around his neck TIGHT to slow down (but not totally stop) the conduet of oxegen to his evil brain.

From under the layers of black plastic for 2 hours nonstop he loudley hummed the perky Murder She Wrote theme in extremely fast double time thru the PVC pipe. Plus he spit tobacco juice and lung wads out thru the tube onto the plexyglass barrier the whole time. My stepmother who usualy has a high tollerance and sympathey for granfather held her head weeping for the whole second hour. I started crying too cause i felt bad for her and plus it annoyed me also.

Finally Dad made him stop

We pulled over on the interstate an opened the back door of the van. While still lashed to his wheelchair with a garden hose and dog chain Dad pulled him out to the shoulder of the road an tipped him onto his back. Then he took the top off a bottle of Southern Comfert Whisky (one of granfathers favorates--he says it tastes like marigold wine) an just upended it in the hole of the pipe till the glug-glug noises stopped. It was allot of whisky an granfather passed out.

I MUSTA BEEN BAD IF YOU HAD TO TAPE ME UP

Yes the old awful beast is cognoscent of the fact hes an awful beast. Once we arrived at our destonation Granfather didnt exatcly say THANKS to us afterword but he did not complaine about our treatment of him either. Granfather fully understands that sometimes he must be sedatted or propperly incarcerated or perhaps a combonation of the two when he is in the car for long trips.

RUB IT IN BOY! USE YER HANDS!

Before even unpacking the old monstor demands to go out on the beach. I had to put lotion on him first cause his leatherey yellow skin woudnt burn. I forgot to pack rubber gloves an I put the suntan lotoin on with just the tips of my pinkys cause hes so gross and bumpy to touch. Granfather screamed that I rub it in with my whole hands. I started cryin again. Later on I warshed my hands off with gasoline and salt.

Gramps Hears the Riot Act

Dad and my stepmom sit granfather down for a heart to heart to tell him that if he ruins the beach rental unit with tobaco juice and bouncing his wheelchair around on the floor or scratchin the panelling with his long horney nails or bites anything like the fourniture they woud make HIM pay for it also put him in a rest home.

DONT YOU THRAETEN ME, DAMMIT!!