Walter Miller Homepage

"He Does! He Does!" said Sam I Am, "He smells wourse than green eggs an ham!"

Mid Oct 96 AUTUNM EXTRA Update

Page 3 of 6


NO! NOT THE ONION SUOP!

What middle America saladbar of tired old greens, sappey instotutoinal condomints and gluey dressings is compleate without the obligotory and omnipresent French onion soup? My beastly ancestor heaved into the alunimum cylendor of brown liqoid up to his shoulders smacking and slourping his way to the bottom in just 90 seconds including the bread and cheese blobbs that you always find in there.

The manager of the place was one of these guys with no sence of humor. He called the cops and also went in the back an got a shotgun. After all this is rural Texas and if your asked to leave cause you made a scene you better get your ass the hell out of there unless you want buckshot in it.

Fortunatly no one got shot

We were able to drag him outside and we oppologized and I started cryin cause every foray in public with my family always becoms a houmiliatin embarasment. I cant begin to tell you what its like to live like this where at any moment your an outcast. He pourposly made long snot strings come out his nose as we dragged him. He can do it at will.

How he avoided arrest

When the cops came granfather was makin his evil snicker an both cops reckonized him from busting him for varoius prior disturbances. All the police in nearby counties have a special radio code: If they say: "Theres a 666 in progress" they know its a granfather-related crime. Thats how well known the old savage is in these parts. Its called a '666' as thats the mark of the beast.

He finaly calmed down but he was scarier that ever cause he started growling. He narrowed his wicked lemen-yellow eyes--they have slender verticol pupils like a damn crocodial. If he was the Munstors or the Adams Familys pet theyd have him put to sleep.

One of the cops, a woman just wacked him twice with the club in full veiw of us all just for the hell of it for no reason ecxept out of frustration. It was odd as no one sprang to granfathers defense or even said a thing. But a minute later he speaks up:

ILL MAKE YOU COPS A PLEE-BARGAIN

They told him you cant cop a plea till you get to court but they listend to granfathers idea. I dont remember the exact words he said but it was to the effect that hed just consumed about a bushel and a pecks worth of French Onoin Soup an that he had major gas plus diarhea coming in the next 3 to 24 hours and he coud do it THERE in the county building or do it at home: IT WAS THIER CHOICE.

Then he went into this errudite English-accented and rathor prissy, lisping drop-dead James Mason imitation that may of been from a James Bond film: "Please beg your Majestey to heed my words that there will be an explosion the likes of which the world has never known."

The cops thouht about it, and then one of them said dammit, the old monstor had the Hershy squirts in their jail once before an there was no way theyd let him back in there without floatin a public works bond first to pay for damages. As I mentoined many times in this website granfathers special brand of toxic Shine-Ola can etch porcelian and disolve hard grout plus it will burn the hairs in your nose from a mile away and if you do inhaile it it will get in your bloodstream an destroy either the HDL or the LDL whichever the GOOD chollestorol is--I cant remember.

AH-SO YOUNG WEEDHOPPOR. YOU HAVE CHOSEN WISELY said granfather in this somewhat offensive Charley Chan voice. Then he told the cops that for future offenses to modify the "six six six" to a "666-two" when number 2, or seriuos crapping is involved in the crime. Then he made the hideous laugh. His laugh is so bonechilling it set off 4 car alarms in the parkin lot.

The cops wrote him a $300 sumons which is a hellof a lot of cash where we live and he cruelly tossed it over to Dad an said somthing mean like hes retired an on a pension an cant pay it. The next week we got slapped with a lawsuit for for unspecifeid damages from the restorant.

Mandatory Counciling

At the arrainment the judge agread to dismiss the criminol part of the case if we got family therapy. By this time my folks headed back to Califonia. But dad had me some good ideas that just may help us: Maybe we coud use these police reports plus other complaints and testimoneis to have granfather comitted to a mental instotution.

Heres our chance to lock him up